Page 34 of Any Girl But You
Morgan pats Zoey’s hand that’s resting across the seat. “Anytime, Zoey. I mean that. We could all use a little more fun.”
Frankie grins at Zoey. “This was great. Let’s plan something again soon.” She glances at me. “Take your time, Quinn. I’ll be making out with my girlfriend.”
When she wiggles her eyebrows, I groan.
Once Zoey and I step out in the alley, our steps become slower. The night is cool. A trail of goosebumps skitters across my skin, and I cross my arms over myself.
“I think my cheeks are burning from smiling so much,” Zoey says as she digs out her keys from her cross-body bag. “You have no idea how much tonight meant to me. How much…this all means to me.”
Her eyes dip on that part, and I feel the words to my core. I know what she’s saying. Our friendship, our time together, our…whatever this is. What is this? To me, it’s more than friends. I don’t go to bed thinking about friends and wake up this excited to see friends. I don’t spend an evening getting close so I can smell her hair and my skin sparking when she touches me and zinging with electricity every time she grabs my hand withfriends.
I’ve never been more than friends with someone. And it’s not what I want. I don’t think. No, I’m pretty sure. Maybe. Do I?
Her keys are in the lock, but she doesn’t twist. She’s just standing there, and even though there’s a chill in the air, and I can see goosebumps flush up her skin, I turn warm. Everything in me heats. My eyes dip to her mouth and back to her eyes. She’s looking at me, and I think she’s looking at me in that way, but hell…I don’t know. And I hate, hate, hate not knowing. This is my wheelhouse. I’m a master at this. But yet, this all feels so totally different than any other time I’ve been alone like this with a woman.
“I propose we add a new playlist to Alexa tomorrow,” I say, but I don’t want to talk. I want to stop looking at those lips and taste them. I want to swipe my thumb on that powdery soft cheek, and tug on her bottom lip, and feel how she responds.
Her gaze drops to my mouth and stares for two seconds too long. It’s all I need. I’m scared and this is stupid, but right now, I don’t care. I don’t wait, I don’t ask, I don’t think. I don’twantto think. My hand grips the back of her neck. I pull her into me, and brush my lips against hers.
She doesn’t even hesitate. Not for a second. She presses her mouth back into mine, her perfect, sweet, beautiful mouth, with a much firmer kiss than I ever thought would come from someone as sweet as Zoey.
Hands grip my hips, and she pushes me against her, and my pulse thuds hard against my throat. She moves against my lips, parts me with her tongue, and swipes gently. I want more. I want it all. My hands move to her sides, my thumbs graze her stomach, my chest rises. And… Shit.Shit!What am I doing?
I tear myself away. Her head flinches and her eyes dash between mine.
“I’m… Oh God. I didn’t…” I say, but I’m flustered and my mind is watery. I’m underwater, in a daze. My pulse is thudding so hard against my chest, but my brain moves in slow motion. “I’m so sorry. Oh Christ, please don’t…” Please don’t what? What do I want to say? Please don’t let me ruin our friendship by doing something stupid. Please don’t fall in love. Please don’tnotfall in love. Jesus, I’m spinning.
“Ack!” Zoey throws her arms around me, her peppy energy bounces from the bricks outside her building. “This was so much fun! Okay, tomorrow. Nineties music only. Maybe some Gaga, too, ’cause, well, she’s the queen obviously.”
My lips are warm and red and still tingling from the kiss, and Zoey is acting like nothing just happened. She’s acting likeher knees didn’t buckle the way mine did, that the light hitting her isn’t hitting me, like we didn’t just share a phenomenal kiss. What in the hell is happening?
She cracks open the door. “Thank you for tonight. Gosh, we have to do this again. I’ll check the band schedule and see the next time they’ll be in town.”
Okay, well, this meant nothing to her. Just a nightcap. And I should be relieved. Why am I not relieved? I push away the urge to cry and instead flash a wide smile. “Definitely. Okay, tomorrow, Gaga. I hear you and I raise you a Chappell Roan.”
Zoey steps inside her loft and flicks on the light.
And everything inside of me drops. Like a lightning bolt has cut through me, splitting me in half, making me crash to the ground. Sprawled across Zoey’s table are the letters from her ex. Whatever kept her from reading the letters before changed.She read them. She read them, and didn’t say a single thing about it. And whatever it was clearly made her happy.Thisbrought out this energy-filled side of her tonight.
My throat feels tight.
For the first time in my life, I understand what some women in my past felt when I thought I was clear that I only wanted to hook up, but they wanted more. The sadness, the hurt in their eyes, the ickiness they said they felt. I never understood it, because I always thought we were on the same page. I never lied about who I am or what I want.
But now, I get it. I want to cry. Instead, I smile at Zoey. It’s not her fault. I didn’t know that under her kitten facade, a tiger lurked. That’s on me, not her. She’s been honest with me since the beginning. And she knows how I am. Maybe she thought by kissing me back she could sow some sort of wild kissing oat, since I told her about my inability to feel intimacy with physicality. That it would be no big deal, that I’d be into it, that I was the safe one she could experiment with. She couldn’t haveknown that she unlocked something in me that I didn’t know existed.
I spin on my heels. “Good night,” I say and turn before I can look at her again.
This should comfort me. Why am I so upset? I should be relieved. Maybe we’re cut from the same cloth, and she didn’t realize this about herself. And how cool would it be to have a sex buddy that lives so close, that I can call anytime I want. I should be damn near elated. But as the stairs creak beneath my feet, every step down, my heart sinks further and further.
Thisis why I don’t do emotions, or love, or anything. It’s too hard. Zoey told me from the beginning that she wasn’t over her ex. She didn’t lie or withhold. I’ve slept with plenty of rebounds. Hell, that’s almost my go-to. The fresher the rebound, the quicker the fuck, the knowledge they were never over their ex was my infinite get-out-of-jail-free card. Rebounds let me off the hook. No guilt, no shame, everyone’s happy.
But this time, it’s different. Everything feels terrible. By the time I hit the bottom step, I burst into tears.
EIGHTEEN
ZOEY
Oh my gosh…that just happened. I swipe my finger against my lip, and yep. One hundred percent I am not hallucinating, that really just happened.
