Page 100 of Vivacity
As I gently steer him onto the pavement so I can move the cars, he says with another look at the Aston, ‘You drove like you were onThe Rookie. That was fire.’
I think that’s a compliment.
After a quick textto Soph to tell her all is well, I make us a midnight feast of hot chocolate and reheated sausage rolls. We eat them tucked up under a blanket on the sofa in the main living room so we can enjoy the tree while we watchArthur Christmas. We may both be shattered, but I’m aware we need some serious decompression time.
He chuckles his way through the movie, some of the colour returning to his cheeks, but I mainly sit there and watch him. I’m still a mess. That could have gone so badly wrong. A kid driving a car, for fuck’s sake. Seeing his journey pop up on the app was the most terrifying moment of my life. I can’t believe we’re here, that we got through this, that he’s emerged from his harebrained adventure unscathed—physically at least.
I suspect we’ll both bear the emotional scars for quite some time.
One thing’s for sure: I need to text Philip first thing tomorrow and plead for an emergency session. It’s weird how fast it’s become my instinct to turn to him for help, but, god knows, I can’t process a shitshow of this scale by myself.
CHAPTER 44
Ethan
Iput Jamie in my bed with me last night. No way was I letting him out of my sight. He may no longer be a flight risk, but I don’t want him feeling abandoned for a second. He slept like a log, the crash of all that emotional devastation and adrenaline wiping him out, but I lay there and stared at him for a long time. A couple of hours, maybe.
Last night crystallised a lot of things for me, but mainly that I can’t let this kid move through life for one more day without understanding what he means to me. I won’t.
I make him pancakes, which he eats at the island. He’s fixated on the PC and has already looked up several YouTube videos on how to isolate the broken parts.
‘I think I might need to replace the GPU and the motherboard,’ he says, wrinkling up his face as if he’s scared to say it out loud.
I nod. ‘That’s okay. Honestly. We can order the new parts as soon as we know for sure. I’ll sit with you while you work it out, if you want.’
He spears a piece of pancake and dunks it in the maple syrup that I had Davide pick up for him. ‘But you said last night that I needed to be taught a lesson.’
He says it so forlornly, so resignedly, that the pain of hearing it almost brings me to my knees. I flinch.
‘I shouldn’t have said that. It was very cruel of me. It’s no excuse, but I was absolutely gutted for you, and I lashed out instead, and I’m thoroughly ashamed of myself. I regret it so much. You were right to be angry and hurt.’
The nod he gives me is small, but if what I just said in any way landed with him then I’m grateful. Soph was correct last night. My dad never wasted a moment validating me or apologising to me or ruminating on his many, many failings. And it strikes me that, if fucking up as a parent is a very human crime, making it your kid’s fault is downright evil.
‘I mean it.’ I take a sip of my coffee and twist my body so I’m facing him. ‘Everyone makes mistakes, and my humiliating you over a simple error was absolutely not okay. You need to know that you can mess up and it’ll still be okay. I’m your dad. If you can’t count on having me on your side, then who can you count on? Except for your mum. She’s amazing, and I’ve always been grateful that you have her.’
His face softens. ‘Yeah, she is.’
‘But having one great parent doesn’t make it okay to have one shoddy one, and I’m going to do better, I promise.’ I make myself press on. There’s a balance, I think, in being a parent. I’ve already proven how damaging it can be to erect walls, but, while vulnerability is important, I can’t totally fall apart. It’s crucial that he knows I’m strong enough to handle my own shit. He needs a parent who thinks they’re a victim just as much as he needs a parent who’s totally walled off, which is not at all.
I should know.
I have one of each.
‘I need you to hear me, mate. Every single problem we’ve had has been down to me, not you. I have a lot of issues from my own childhood, and I’ve never really tackled them. But I’m doing a lotof work on myself now, and it’s helping. Most of the time,’ I add sheepishly, and he gives me a small grin. ‘Grandpa was a nasty piece of work when I was little, a really tricky character, which I think you know, but it’s taken me a long time to work out that that’s on him, and none of it was my fault.’ I swallow, attempting to lodge the giant lump in my throat. ‘So that’s why I’m going to work so hard to make sure you know none ofmyshit isyourfault. Absolutely none of it. And I’ll do better. I promise.’
He stares at me, eyes wide, face open and trusting. ‘Okay.’ He stuffs an enormous piece of pancake in his mouth. His inability to hold a grudge is staggering, and I know we have a long road ahead, but I have no idea what I’ve done to deserve this level of openness from him given my track record. I clear my throat.
‘I don’t want to get heavy, and we should go and run those tests on your PC when you’ve finished your pancakes, but I wanted to say this, so it’s out in the open. Grandpa really messed me up, and I think I’ve been so worried that I’d mess you up that I’ve tried to stay away too much. You have such a fantastic mother, so I think I leant on that, but I’ve been scared to get close because I didn’t think I deserved you, really. I thought I was too broken to be any good to you.’
He stares at me, growing visibly alarmed, and I press on. ‘I know now that I’m not broken, that I’m strong enough to be the dad you deserve, and I’m going to prove it to you every day. And I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart for not being around as much as you might have liked, and I need you to know that none of it was to do with how much I love you. Because I love you more than anyone else in the world.’ I lean over and ruffle his already tousled hair. ‘Do you hear me?’
‘Yeah,’ he says with all the enthusiasm any teenage boy would muster in the face of emotional diarrhoea from a parent figure.
I chuckle. ‘It’s okay. Sorry for getting weird. But I’m going to show you. We have a lot to catch up on, don’t we?’
‘I suppose.’ He wriggles. ‘Can we go to the driving range this afternoon?’
I sit up straighter. ‘Absolutely. Did you bring that new driver your mum got you?’
