Page 177 of When We Ignite
“We did,” he said softly, his shoulders slumping. “I’m sorry. You just…snuck up on me, you know?”
I looked back at him.
Ethan’s face was pained, not hopeful, just raw. “You’ve given me enough warnings. I know it’s too much, too soon—probably both. It’s not like I don’t know it’s a lost battle. I don’t expect you to say it back or feel it. And I fucking hate it, because I know it just gives you more ammunition to think I’m too immature, that I can’t handle my fucking feelings.”
The words tumbled out of him, each one heavier than the last. He rubbed his face roughly, trying to hold himself together. “And now I’m crying again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m supposed to be getting you to want to be with me, and all I’m doing is pushing you further away. And now…I’ve lost you, haven’t I?”
My heart felt so unbelievably heavy watching him. It was worse than finding him in the alley. This—this was why I kept that wall up in the first place.
“You’re never going to lose me,” I told him gently, hoping he could hear the truth in my words.
Ethan looked up at me, his blue eyes glassy with tears. “But you’re never going to love me.” There wasn’t a question in his voice, just quiet resignation.
I parted my lips to respond but found myself frozen, unable to form the words. It wasn’t true—not at all. If anything, Ethan was probably the only person I could see myself falling for. But I couldn’t let that happen, and I certainly couldn’t tell him.
What the hell was wrong with me? All I had to do was stay the fuck away from him, keep things casual, and not let him catch feelings. Now look where we were.
“You know why we can’t be together, Ethan. I can’t do this to Oliver. We can’t do this.”
“I know,” he said softly, his gaze dropping to the bed. He clicked his tongue and shook his head. “I didn’t want to ruin whatever time we have left. I’m sorry.”
I sat back down on the bed, running my hands through my hair. I had no idea how to fix this, how to comfort him, or how to make this go away.
The silence wrapped around us, heavy and oppressive, amplifying the weight of everything left unsaid.
Ethan sighed. “Do you want me to stay over at Henry’s tonight?”
I turned to face him, alarmed. “No. I don’t.”
Ethan’s heartbreak was etched all over his face, and it killed me.
I shifted closer, reaching for him. “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want, but that doesn’t mean I want you to leave.”
Ethan moved toward me hesitantly.
I wrapped my arms around him before he could say another word. “Don’t ever think you can’t come close to me, pet. Don’t ever think that. I’m always going to be here for you.”
Ethan looped his arms around my waist, his face buried against my shoulder. “I wish you weren’t so nice to me.”
“You asked me not to be an asshole,” I pointed out, trying to lighten the moment.
“I don’t particularly like that, either,” he said, his voice muffled against my shoulder. “But you’ve just been so nice lately. It makes everything feel real. Doesn’t this feel real to you? Even a little?”
The ache in my chest wouldn’t let up. “Ethan…”
It was real. Every second of it. Nothing about this was an act.God-fucking-damn it.When had I let this get so out of hand?
“Is it me, then? What am I doing wrong? Tell me so I can fix it. I don’t want to lose you.” His hands curled into my shirt, clutching at me like I was the only thing keeping him afloat.
“It’s not you, my darling. You know you’re perfect to me.”
“Then why don’t you love me?”
Another question I couldn’t answer.
I hated hurting him like this.
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