Page 153 of Becoming Us
You ruined the whole night over a little thing. Everything always has to be about you. The Noah Show.
We got to the hotel and took the elevator in silence. The door clicked shut behind us.
You suck the air out of every room you’re in.
“I’m going to the bathroom.” My voice cracked on the last word, and I clamped my jaw tight, barely holding it in. I wasn’t alone yet. I couldn’t fall apart. Not in front of him. I wasn’t supposed to still be like this. I was supposed to be strong. Supposed to be healed. Fixed.
Broken. Can’t be fixed?—
“Noah—”
“I’ll just be a minute, okay?”
Before I could reach the door, his hand closed around my wrist, firm but still tender, pulling me to him. “Don’t go in there. Stay here with me.”
“Let me go, Atty. Just one minute.”
You ruin everything you touch. Just like her. You’ll end up just like her.
He cupped my face in both hands, pressing his forehead to mine. “No. I’m not going anywhere.”
What a fucking disappointment you turned out to be.
“Atty, please.” If he didn’t let me go now, it was going to break loose.
“No.”
My vision blurred. The pressure in my chest turned crushing.
I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t hold it in.
“I don’t care how many times you’ve told yourself this, but you’re not alone,” he said. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for all of it. So, if you need to break, go ahead. I’ve got you. I’m not leaving. Not now, not ever. You’re not alone.”
He said it again. Over and over.
You’re not alone.
His heartbeat thudded steady against my ear, and with each repetition, something inside me cracked—breaking free from the tight grip I’d kept on it for years.
My breath hitched against his chest, fists twisting in his shirt, aching from how tightly I held on. Still, he didn’t let go.
Then it hit—the first sob, raw and violent, tearing its way out of me and shaking my entire body as I collapsed into him.
He wrapped his arms around me. “I’m here. It’s okay. I’m here.”
Another sob. And another.
I clenched my teeth and fell apart in his hold, as I finally stood inside the fucking feelings. As I let myself feel the full intensity of it. The sadness that had lived in my chest for so long it had become part of me. Always tethered to her and her words. Always making me feel like my pain wasn’t worth seeing. Like it wasn’t worth anything.
“I’m here, baby. I’m not going anywhere,” he said again as we dropped slowly to our knees. He cradled me close, holding me through each ragged sob as they kept tearing their way out of me.
He’s not supposed to see this.
I don’t want him to leave.
He’s going to leave me now.
The fear sank its claws in fast, and I couldn’t stop it. If my own mother couldn’t stand me, how could he?
