Page 198 of Becoming Us
“Do you want to be my friend? Is that what you want?”
No.
That’s not what I want.
I want everything. I want to be yours. I want you to fucking save me.
“Yeah, I do,” I lied, biting down on my cheek to keep the tears at bay.
“Then I need you to stop pulling shit like this.”
That didn’t sound like he was telling me to fuck off. Hope bloomed in my chest faster than I could wrap my head around it.
“I promise I won’t do it again.” And I meant it. I’d be good this time. I’d keep my boundaries, smother the fantasies.
“I’m not talking about what you said to me, Noah. I’m talking about how you treat yourself.”
That made me stop. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the little baggie. It was almost empty.
But that wasn’t the real problem. He just wasn’t used to parties. He didn’t get it. Plus, there were so many things he could be talking about.
“Atty, it’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is. It’s not like you’re drinking like a normal person or just trying drugs out. You do it really aggressively, and it’s hard to watch. If you want us to be friends—” He paused, my heart catching in my throat. “I can’t be your friend if this is what goes on with your life when you disappear.”
What he doesn’t see. That’s what he means.
He wants me to be the person I am when I’m with him.
He doesn’t know that this isn’t just for parties.
I stared down at my hand.
But I can quit.
I don’t need the parties. They’re just there to drown out the noise. And he’s so much better at it.
When I’m with him, I feel…
Ifeelwhen I’m with him. It doesn’t feel like I’m dead inside. Or like my soul is rotting away. I want to stand with him, in the light. I’m so fucking done with this darkness. It’s eating me alive.
“Okay,” I said. If he wanted me to give everything else up, I would. For him.
“Really?” Surprise laced his voice.
I chuckled, my chest swelling. “Okay, yeah. I’ll stop. No more parties at mine.”
“That’s good. I’m glad to hear that.” He exhaled, and I could almost picture the smile on his face. He was so good. He was everything I’d ever wanted.
“So, can we forget about it? About all of it?” I ignored the pang in my chest. Accepting this friendship was all I could ever ask of him.
“Yeah. We can forget about all of it.”
The laugh that escaped me was pure relief, followed by a stream of tears I couldn’t stop.
“Yeah? Are you going to have me at yours to play your stupid video games?”
Please save me.
