Page 47 of Running Into You
“Of course, you can,” she says, completely undeterred. “You just finished telling me that you don’t have plans.”
“Yeah, but…” He looks at me now. Really looks at me. His expression is one of panic and his eyebrows raise slightly as if to ask, what the fuck do I do now? It feels so good to have him look at me again. I have no idea how to communicate everything I want to him, so I give him a small nod, hoping it tells him that whatever he decides will be fine. He returns the nod, still looking into my eyes. “I will see you both then.”
I watch him disappear into the stairwell, finally dropping my grocery bags once he’s out of sight. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to center myself. When I open them, I see Maggie staring at me. I’d forgotten she was there.
“Is everything okay?” she asks, walking toward me.
Tell her everything is fine. I take another deep breath. Make up something about a stressful week. Another deep breath that doesn’t quite reach my lungs. My breathing isn’t working, but I keep trying as I feel my eyes start to fill. I’m vaguely aware of Maggie taking my keys from me and moving my things into my apartment as I stand here struggling for breath. She gently guides me to my couch and once I’m there, the tears come. I feel the hot tears cascade down my already flushed face in steady streams. Maggie is beside me, rubbing my back and telling me to let it out.
I do let it out. As soon as I’m able to form words, they all come tumbling out of me. Not just about Josh and the fight. I tell her about my mother calling out of the blue. I tell her about Kurt and how he made me feel like I wasn’t capable of loving anyone. Everything I’ve pushed down over the past six years just forces its way out.
Everything except my greatest fear. The thing I’ve never voiced out loud, not even to my therapist.
Maggie doesn’t say anything, aside from some gentle encouragement. She sits here with her arm around me and just lets me break down.
I’m not sure how much time has passed when the tears dry up and my breathing regulates. I feel drained in every sense of the word. I look up at Maggie and see that she’s been crying, too. This isn’t surprising. I’ve seen her cry at laundry detergent commercials. Still, I feel bad for being the cause of her tears.
“I’m sorry,” I say weakly.
“No, honey. I’m sorry that you’ve been keeping all this to yourself. Never apologize for sharing your feelings with me. That’s what I’m here for. You can’t keep all that inside. It’s bad for your skin.” I smile at that, and she continues. “I’m not going to analyze everything you just said, but I am going to touch on some of the high notes. First, Kurt was wrong. You have to know that. He manipulated you into thinking that because you didn’t love him, you couldn’t love anyone. Motherfucker could have saved everyone the trouble by looking in the mirror and realizing he was unworthy of love.”
“I’m telling Mark you said that.”
“Right now, I don’t fucking care.” She leans back and crosses her toned arms across her chest. She’d look tougher if her eyes weren’t red from crying. “Second, I know your mom is a sore spot for you. You haven’t told me much about her, but it’s obvious there is some scar tissue there. Whatever you choose, whether it’s to see her or not, it’s your choice. She doesn’t hold the power in your relationship anymore.” I nod my head, knowing she’s right. “Finally, Josh. It’s obvious you both care about each other very much. There is a magnetic field between you that is more than physical. Maybe that’s why he was so upset when you didn’t tell Rilla about him. Either way, you two need to communicate. I never would have forced the whole dinner invite if I’d known you two were not talking. We can cancel if you want to.”
“No.” I sigh and slump against the couch. “He said he’d go, cancelling would just make it worse. Besides, maybe it will get us talking again.” I miss talking to him more than anything.
“If you’re sure,” she says with a smile. “So that means I can do your hair and makeup and pick out something hot for you to wear, right?”
“If you can rid me of red, puffy eyes, I will wear a crochet bikini.”
Chapter 28
Josh
Can you over brush your teeth? I’m standing in my bathroom brushing my teeth for the third time today. I read somewhere that brushing too often weakens tooth enamel, but don’t they tell you to brush after meals? I check my watch for the umpteenth time and see that it’s just after six.
I can still cancel. I wonder if that’s what Betty wants me to do. I agreed to meet them for dinner because it was the easiest way to escape our awkward hallway reunion. Maggie doesn’t strike me as the type to take “no” for an answer. Maybe agreeing to go had something to do with how badly I wanted to see Betty again. Even if we haven’t been talking, just seeing her today added years to my life. So why am I brushing my teeth again and trying to talk myself out of going? Because I’m not sure if she really wants me there.
I spit the toothpaste into the sink and rinse. Without overthinking it, I send her the text that I drafted when I’d gotten home earlier today.
Me:Hey. Sorry about this afternoon. I can say I’m sick. I hear dengue fever is back.
The little text dots appear immediately, and I hold my breath.
Betty:If there isn’t already a cure, Maggie will discover one in time to get you there.
Me:I believe it.
Betty:It’s raining pretty hard. Do you want to share an Uber?
Me:I do. Thanks.
I take the fact that she wants to share a ride with me as a good indication that she’s not upset I’m going, and I celebrate the win by grabbing myself a beer from the fridge. I’m not one to drink my feelings away, but I can’t deny that I’m nervous to see her and I’m hoping the beer will take the edge off.
It had been a hard week. Work was fine, in fact, I stayed late every day to put off coming home. I’d joined a gym as well and have been frequently taking out my frustrations in the well-stocked weight room. I miss my runs with Betty, but I’ve been trying to give her what she needs, and right now I think that’s space.
I spent a lot of time thinking about her this week and have concluded that I came on too strong. She told me she didn’t want a relationship, and I immediately assigned myself the role of her boyfriend. I’m not saying that I’m not upset that she didn’t want the same things I did, but I understand that it’s not her fault. I spent years in a relationship with someone who wanted me to mold myself into something I’m not and I’ll be damned if I try to do the same thing to Betty. She’s perfect exactly as she is.
