Page 90 of O Goalie Night
Because I am.
I waketo find myself alone. Beth’s side of the bed is cold and I’m scrambling before I’m even fully conscious.
A dozen worst case scenarios swirl through my mind as I stumble through the house in search of her. They all end with her being gone. When I find her getting ready for work in the kitchen, I breathe a huge sigh of relief.
She’s still here.
“Morning,” she says as she crosses the room towards me. She gives me a kiss that’s not nearly long enough to calm my frazzled nerves before going back to packing her lunch.
“Morning,” I collapse into a stool and attempt to get my heart rate under control. “I didn’t hear you get up.”
“I tried not to wake you,” she admits. “You looked like you were dead on your feet when you got home.”
So did you, I want to say but don’t.
“It’s been a rough few days,” I admit. “Have you heard from your family again?”
Beth winces as she pours coffee into her travel mug. The last time we spoke, she’d been flooded by calls and texts from her parents and sisters. Ben, of course, alertedthem of our situation and didn’t hold back voicing his disapproval.
“I have.” She doesn’t meet my eyes.
“And?”
An entire war is happening on her face as she finds her words. “And everyone is upset. Tara is hurt that I didn’t tell them about you. It’s not that I didn’t want to, of course, but she can’t keep anything to herself. Ally’s not taking sides, she’s just upset that everyone isn’t getting along. Mom and Dad seem more concerned about Ben than anything else, like usual. They’re disappointed that I upset him. They said he’s got so much on his plate, he doesn’t need to be worrying about me on top of everything. My dad even went so far as to suggest that I should move back home. Because it would be better for Ben.”
The wobble in her voice has me on my feet and moving towards her. I wrap my arms around her protectively, wishing I could shield her from everything.
“They want me to stay with him until Christmas.”
I expected as much, but it’s still a hard pill to swallow.
“What did you say?”
She laughs but there’s no humour in it. “I told them ‘Maybe I just shouldn’t come home at all.’”
I think about the years I’ve been on my own. About the family I lost to circumstances outside of my control, and the brother I might not have lost if I’d done things differently. Beth shouldn’t have to choose between me and her family.
But if her family can’t see that right now, I don’t want to be the reason she loses them. If I put a wedge between her and the people she loves most, she’ll eventually start to resent me for it.
I squeeze her tighter to me and say the words I don’t want to.
“Maybe they’re right.”
Her head snaps up, confusion on her face.
“What?”
“Not about everything, obviously. Just about staying with Ben.”
“You want me to leave?”
“Beth, I promise that is the last thing that I want.” I cup her chin and stroke her cheek. “I haven’t had a family for a long time and I don’t want to be the reason yours falls apart. You’re leaving for home in less than a week. Maybe if you stay with him, he’ll calm down enough for you to be able to get through to him.”
She doesn’t meet my eyes as she slips out of my embrace. Her arms cross over her chest as she keeps her gaze on the floor. “Maybe.”
Shit. She’s second-guessing herself and it’s because of me.
“You know I want you to stay, right?” I take her hand, desperate to hold on to her.
