Page 3 of The Mech Who Loved Me
Perry's mouth pursed thoughtfully, but she didn't prod. It was one of the reasons Ava liked hersomuch.
"I had this idea of how my life was going to work out," Ava continued. "After Doctor Hague kidnapped me and destroyed my life, it took me such a long time to find my place at the Nighthawks. The work in the laboratories fascinates me and I'm perfectly suited for it, but... I wanted more. I keep trying to find my footing, to find a place where I belong, and I thought Byrnes was it. I like him. He makes me feel safe and normal, and he never looks at me as though he can't wait to escape me when I prattle on about odd things like autopsies, or a new species of orchid, or... all of the things ladies shouldn't speak of in polite circumstances. He was a friend when I needed one very, very much, and I kept thinking he would probably be the only man who might marry me." She looked down at her clasped hands. That dream was well and truly dashed, but she couldn't find it in herself to begrudge Ingrid her happiness. When Ingrid walked into Byrnes's life, all she'd ever done was open Ava's eyes to the truth: Byrnes was one of her dearestfriends.
And thatwasall.
"After Hague, it took me a long time to find my place in the world too," Perry said softly, staring out over thegardens.
They both fellsilent.
Nothing more needed to be said in regard to Hague. The scientist had been obsessed with creating the perfect biomechanical heart to implant in people. Unfortunately, he'd needed to experiment on real humans to perfect his transplant process, and he'd chosen young women whom he'd kidnapped right off the streets. Not all of themsurvived.
Perry was the one who got away years before Ava was ever taken, but they both shared the same nightmares. Ava had been one of his later victims, one of only two who survived the process. Six months of hell. She closed her eyes, taking in a shallowbreath.
He wasdeadnow.
Perry's husband, Garrett, had killed him, finally setting Perry free from the nightmares that haunted her. But Ava sometimes felt as though he would always exist in her own life, a dark cloud hovering on her every horizon. "I just... I don't know where my life is heading. I enjoy my work. It's challenging and I have value here. But I feel like I want more, and it's difficult to watch others who've found thatmore. And it's so horribly selfish of me tobegrudge—"
"It's not selfish," Perry corrected, patting Ava's hand. "It's human. And it's honest. Why shouldn't you want more? And I know you don't wish Ingrid and Byrnes ill, you're simply focusing on what youdon'thave when you look at them. You'll find someone, Ava. Ipromiseyou."
She sighed. "You make itsoundeasy."
"It is easy, in the end. I never dared admit what Garrett meant to me. I never dared hope for marriage, or children, or even love, because I knew until Hague was dead, I would never get that chance. Don't stop believing, Ava. There's someone out there for you. Someone who will love you exactly the way you are, autopsies, rare plant obsession,andall."
"Well, I wish he would make himself known sometime soon," Ava said. "I'm nearly thirty, and the closest I've come to a kiss is my ex-fiancé, which was more of a swift peck against the cheek. I shall, however, draw the line if I'm nearly forty and still in the same direstraits."
Sunlight gleamed in Perry's golden hair as the other woman laughed. She'd stopped dying it black after Hague died and her true identity was revealed. Marriage and babies had softened her in other ways, and though she was the daughter of an earl, she'd decided to stay on at the Nighthawks. She was no longer the quiet, insulated hunter she'd once been, but nor had she returned to ranks of the aristocratic Echelon. Instead it seemed as though Perry had found some sort of middle ground, and flourishedthere.
Ava longed for that kind of self-acceptance. "I don't know where my place is anymore. Or where my future might lie. I just feel lost, Perry, and it's more than merely wanting a happy future for myself. Every day just seemsthesame."
"Then maybe you need to change something in your life? It seems from what you've said marriage is a goal. Not specifically marriage toByrnes."
Ava paused. "I guess I cannot see anyone else wanting tomarryme."
Paul's face flashed into her mind. He'd been her childhood friend growing up, and had promised many things when he'd proposed to her. Three days later, Hague kidnapped her out of her carriage on her way to Paul's house for adinner.
Nightmares aside, by the time she escaped from Hague, all she'd wanted to do was return to her normal, smalllittlelife.
Except it wasn'tthesame.
Paul had been downright shocked to see her again. Especially since he was betrothed to someone else. Ava had never felt smaller than she did in that moment, and she'd wished them well, and meant it, but... he could have waited just a little longer. It hadn't even beenayear.
"Mmm." She curled a frond of the nearest fern around her finger, letting the feathery tip caress her skin. "I think I am going to bury my desire for marriage. I just don't think it's ever going tohappen."
After all, if Byrnes didn't want me, then whowould?
"Don't lock yourself away," Perrywarned.
"I won't." This time her smile at the other woman was genuine. "I have too many good friends who won't allow me todoso."
"I'm sure there's someone out there who is looking for a woman, one justlikeyou."
"You have to say that. You're my friend. But the only gentlemen I know are those I work with." Ava screwed up her nose. "Yes, none of the Nighthawks are squeamish, but none of them interest me evenvaguely."
"What about that big fellow inside? He kept looking at you today—at least often enough Inoticedit."
A frown drew her brows down. Big fellow? The ceremony had been small, the guests a carefully picked handful of Nighthawks Byrnes knew, the Company of Rogues of course, and Ingrid's adopted family. Who else could look at her like—? "Kincaid," she suddenlyblurted.
"Tall, savage-lookingmech?"
