Page 44 of Soulbound
"Why not? Know your enemy and all...."
"I know my mother," he said coldly, "perhaps better than any of you do. I don't need her bloody diary to understand her strengths, or weaknesses, or what she plans to do—"
"I'm not asking you to understand her strengths and weaknesses. Take it," Lady Eberhardt said, pushing the diary toward him. "And promise me you'll read it. Within the week."
Frustration itched beneath his skin. He didn't want to do this. Plunging himself into his mother's youthful mind would be like drenching himself with poison, and besides, there was little point. "Why?"
"That's an answer I hope you can tell me."
He glared at her. There were few things in life that had so utterly foiled him. Lady E was one of them. Not only did she not fear him, but she seemed to treat him like... like she treated his brother, Bishop. I could make her fear me.... But no. Sebastian looked down at the diary. That was arrogance speaking. Not himself.
"Perhaps the more interesting question is, why are you so against reading Morgana's diary? There's nothing to be frightened of, Sebastian. Just odd musings and the ramblings of a young woman with a vindictive outlook on life. What can her diary do to you?"
Sebastian turned away toward the window, feeling restless. "She put me in a fucking collar that made me little more than her slave. I was thirteen."
"She could have loved you and nurtured your talents," Lady E continued, "but she feared you instead. Her fear is the reason you suffered, and you need to understand that. Bishop claims we don't have the time to help you overcome all your... issues of trust... but I think it's important. Especially when it is certain you will face your mother again, and she knows how to manipulate your emotions."
Sebastian stared through the window, rocked by the knowledge. It hurt. But more than that, it sounded like the truth. "She wasn't... wasn't always cruel," he finally admitted, in a careful voice. "Perhaps that's the hardest thing to deal with. Sometimes I remember when I was a small child, and she bought me a new book, or kissed my cheek. She did that once. I mean, she was never a perfect mother, but she knew I liked chocolates, and books, and sometimes she would smile at me...."
"Few people truly are rotten through and through." Lady Eberhardt sighed. "Your mother does come close, but that is my own prejudices showing." Her lips thinned. "And if I were being truly honest with myself I could perhaps admit I bear some blame for the path she took. I was arrogant and heavy-handed as her master, and I never did trust her. All I ever did was counsel your father against her."
"That doesn't sound like a mistake."
Lady E smiled bitterly. "Perhaps it doesn't. But what if all your mother ever needed was for someone to love her? To accept her? A female mentor who could teach her a better way? She never truly trusted men, but perhaps a woman could have reached her. I failed in that. And I never truly realized until I held that journal in my hands. Sorcery is about understanding yourself intimately. One cannot wield immense power with blatant disregard to their own desires or weaknesses. All it ever does is end in someone dying."
He stared at the journal as though it were a mistake.
"Nobody likes to see truth in the mirror," she muttered. "But if you want to become a sorcerer, then you need to understand what drives you. Read the journal, Sebastian. It might enlighten you in ways you never expected."
"Why are you telling me this?"
Lady E's gnarled hands curled around her staff. "Like I said, Morgana made the wrong choices for the wrong reasons." Heaving herself to her feet, she strode toward him.
"And you think I'm about to make the same wrong choices," he realized.
"I understand you have suffered. I do understand that. But what I see is a young man who walls himself away, keeping everyone at arm's length. In a way you have more in common with Adrian than you realize." Reaching up, she patted his cheek, and for a moment the feel of her warm, cupped hand on his skin almost took his feet out from under him. How long since anyone besides Cleo had offered simple human comfort?
How long since he had trusted it?
"We all have our crosses to bear. Even Adrian. Even me." Those black eyes stared deeply into his soul. "You're not alone, and you're not the first to feel the weight of your past. But you're also no longer a child. The choices you make now could hurt people. They could hurt you. If I'm being honest, I could be staring at your mother right now, as much as you hate the notion."
He slowly, carefully, curled his hand over hers. He trusted Lady E, he realized, or at least he trusted her as far as he could ever trust anyone. "That could be the worst thing you've ever said to me."
"If that's the worst thing I've ever said to you, then you have little to complain about." One eyebrow arched. "Or perhaps it's a horrible notion because you know there is some truth behind it."
Patting his cheek, she stepped back and picked up the journal for him. "Read it. It might prove enlightening, even if you find it distasteful. To understand yourself, you need to understand your mother and what swayed her from her path."
"I'll consider it," he replied, as she handed him the book.
"And you need to stop avoiding your wife."
This time his cheeks burned with heat. "That's really none of your business."
Another snort, as she turned for the door. "I didn't think you were a coward, but time will tell."
Curse her. He had to get out of here. "Tell Bishop I'll be back by lunchtime. I'm going for a walk."
"To clear your head?"
