Page 95 of Storm of Desire
"I shouldn't have said it. You caught me at a weakmoment."
Yes, you damned well shouldhave.
But it wasn't her he was angryat.
"Please. I need to know the truth,Árja."
"Ten years ago," she whispered, looking down into her curled hands. "I fled thedrekicourt. I'd finally reached my majority, and it's expected that a... adrekifemale will begin to consider certain alliances. Sirius wanted to mate with me, but he wasn't the only one. And, I don't know what came over me. My mother is powerful. She murdered my father—or arranged for him to be murdered, and then she blamed my elder brother for his death, so she could claim my father's throne in Rurik's stead. She drove my younger brother, Marduk, away from court, when he became another rallying point for those still loyal to my father. It was just me, and I was alone and on the verge of adulthood, and I felt trapped." She looked up suddenly. "I wanted to see the world. I wanted to know what my purpose in it was. And I wanted freedom. Choices. A life away from my mother and all the pressure to mate. And so Ifled.
"I spent weeks on the Continent. All these places, all these cities, all these people.... I was too frightened to enter the cities, for it was so new to me. So I watched, and when I couldn't meld with the mortal world I flew north, and there was this land, this beautiful land full of glaciers and rivers and forests. So alien to my homeland, and yet so familiar. And I was hungry and curious, and that was where I metyou."
"I remember," he said softly. He hadn't known she was so young, or so inexperienced. She'd never been like the women he knew—she'd always been arrogant, and demanding, and capricious—and yet he could see the uncertainty in her eyesnow.
"You were the first man I'd ever kissed," she admitted. "And you were kind, and fascinating, and... I made up my mind I wanted to lie with you. I wanted you to be my first, mychoice, but you had these ideas about marriage. In thedrekiworld, sometimes we mate for breeding purposes, and sometimes simply for the joy in taking a lover. But it is rare that twodrekipromise each other forever, for we live such long lives." She looked away. "It was only afterward I realized that for you, marriage meant forever. And I could not give youforever."
She bowed herhead.
Haakon couldn'tbreathe.
"I never wanted to hurt you," she whispered. "I loved you. But I amdrekiand you mortal, and I could hear the passing thunder of wings on the horizon as my mother'sdrekihunted for me. I could hear them coming closer. Every day for that last year, I would watch the horizon. I knew lingering there meant offering you a death sentence, but I couldn't bring myself to leave. Just one more day in your arms, one more week..." She closed her eyes. "It was my younger cousin, Andri, who found me, thank all the gods. Of all thedreki, he's always been my ally, and he warned me the queen knew where I was. Sirius was coming for me, he said. I didn't darelinger."
He didn't know what to say. "That last afternoon, you came tome."
And we madelove.
She'd been frantic with need, dragging him into the barn, where she pushed him onto the straw and had her way with him. Once. Twice. Three times. She'd told him she loved him, but that hadn't been all she'd been saying. He realized itnow.
"I was saying goodbye," Árdís whispered. "And then it started raining. Adrekistorm on the horizon. I knew I didn't have much time. I had to flee before they came looking for me and foundyou."
"So you let me believe you'd been stolen away by adreki?" he rasped, feeling the weight of all those years of guilt and grief. "I heard you scream. I saw it—you—fly away. Do you know what that feltlike?"
"It was the only way I could be certain you wouldn't follow me!" she cried desperately. "I wanted you to grieve for me. I wanted you to be free to live another life, to be free to marry again." The words sounded as though they were ripped from her. "And I hated that thought, but I didn't want you to be unhappy. You always wanted children. You wanted a wife, a home, and I could not give you that. So I tried to make it clear I was gone from your life. I never dreamed you'd not stop looking forme."
"You were my wife," he said hoarsely. "I could never stop looking for you. Not when a chance you lived mightexist."
Tears flooded down her face. "I never wanted to hurtyou."
But you did.He stared at her with clenchedfists.
"Do you think it has been easy for me? To live such a life with you, and then to throw it all away out of fear? To bury myself in my mother's court and live a half-life,knowingwhat it could have been? I should never have left court the first time, for then I wouldn't understand what I have been missing." A breath tore through her. "And here I am again, dragging you back into my life. Putting you at risk. I shouldn't have asked you to help me. It'sselfish."
"That was my decision tomake."
"You don't understand. It's worse now, because I've dared to flee again. If she gets her hands onyou—"
"I'm aware of the risks," he snapped. "And it's my choice whether I take it. I would risk my very life foryou—"
"Well, Iwon't!"
"Not even for a chance of happiness?" He stepped closer. "You don't know that she will capture us. You don't know she cannot be defeated." He went to his knees in front ofher.
"No!" Árdís shook her head desperately. "No. I won't allow it. I can't lose you. Not like that. I can face forever, knowing you lived a long and happy life. I could bear it, ifonly—"
His mouth met hers, capturing the words, even as he claimed her face between hishands.
Seven years he'd thought her gone. The loss had nearly brokenhim.
But for Árdís, it had been a sacrifice she'd made, knowing he lived. A loss she could bear, as long as he drew breath out theresomewhere.
