Page 29 of Crown of Darkness
“Your mother never loved you, Vi,” he yells. “That’s not love. It’s not even a fucking mockery of love. She gave you a crumb and you were pathetically grateful for it. And if she denied you those crumbs, then you would beg for them.”
The heat drains out of my skin and I blanch.
And maybe it’s true, because that was all I knew.
Every day in my mother’s court was a bloodied game. Would she smile at me today? Or would her face be cold and expressionless, her voice chastising? Would she seat me at her side for dinner? Or would she sentence me to the oubliette for some obscure punishment?
Every time she pressed a kiss to my hair, the lump in my throat would threaten to choke me, my heart skittering out of control. Because her love—her favor—was something that always had to be earned, and it could be torn away from me with a single wrong word.
I told myself I stopped caring.
I wouldn’t wear the gowns she insisted upon. I refused to perform her little tests. I hammered armor into shape around my battered heart and gave her a merciless little smile whenever she turned scathing words upon me, but the mortal blow she struck was etched upon my heart as a little girl.
And no armor can defend against a wound which is already taken.
“I know,” I whisper. “I know it wasn’t love.”
The only hint of love I’ve ever known before I met him was what I felt for Andraste, but even that was torn away from me.
Thiago swears under his breath. “I knew something was wrong with you. Iknewit. I could feel you holding me at bay—”
“I wasn’t trying to—”
“What?” He spins back to me. “Lie to me?”
Oh,really?“I didn’t lie. I just didn’t tell you. Rather like a certain curse you may have forgotten to mention.”
His jaw turns to granite. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I just want to understand…. I was trying to protect you. But you… You don’t trust me to stand by you?”
“I didn’t know what to do!” It all bursts out of me. “I’d just found out you were my husband of thirteenyears. But you kept me locked away in Valerian, away from everyone you thought might betray my little secret to me. So yes, I know exactly what this feels like. To know that there’s something going on, but you’re not part of it; to know that everyone around you is conspiring against you…. Yes! Iknow!
“And then the truth about us was revealed, but I couldn’t remember a fucking thing about our past. You said you loved me. I was starting to trust that it was true, and then the Morai said I was this… this monster.” I stare at him helplessly. “You were the only anchor I could hold onto. When I was in your arms, it was theonlytime I felt safe. Or… Even myself. I didn’t want to lose that. I just wanted to pretend it was all a horrible dream and it would all go away—"
“I could have protected you.”
“I didn’t… know.” My hands shake. Something wilts inside me. A dawning hope that I wasn’t aware was so fucking fragile still. “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if you would….”
Stop loving me.
His face darkens. “I am not your mother.”
“Everything I have ever loved has been taken away from me.” The knot of emotion suddenly chokes me. “I didn’t want to lose you too.”
“Vi. Mother of Night.” Thiago captures my face and breathes the curse across my temples, holding my face between his trembling hands. “Never. I would never forsake you. No matter what happens. You are my breath, my heart, my soul. I’m sorry if I ever gave you reason to doubt that. I’m sorry if you didn’t feel as though you could… trust me.”
It hurts him to say that, I think.
“I should have told you,” I whisper.
A sigh escapes him. “I should have told you about your mother’s curse. Can you forgive me?”
“If you’ll forgive me,” I whisper.
He kisses me fiercely.
And then it’s no longer enough to merely kiss. I throw myself into the embrace, hands sliding desperately up his chest. He’s still wearing his leather vest, but I can feel every hard inch of his body beneath it.
Mine. He’s mine. Forever. No matter what. Relief and desperation form a firestorm of passion within me.
