Page 35 of From London, With Love
One more day, she whispered to herself.One more day without milk of poppy or wine. You are strong enough. You do not need it.
The same cursed mantra she repeated to herself daily.
Speaking of Edward with Mina this morning had felt both somehow cathartic and also left a hollow, gaping wound within her.
But there was never a day she forgot him. Never a moment where she wouldn’t see something and think, “oh, he would have loved those little toy soldiers” or “he would have been terribly bored at this banquet.”
He filled her life, even seven years after his loss. And those memories were the brightest weapons against her ongoing fight to restrain herself from succumbing to a fugue. She lost those thoughts, those memories, when she was dull with poppy. He deserved better than a mother who floated through her life without emotion.
It didn’t make it any easier.
She sat through several meetings and endured a formal dinner with the council as they made plans to deal with the Scandinavian summit that was due to occur in May.
“You’ve been quiet,” Gideon murmured as he lounged in the chair at her side. “You’ve recovered from yesterday’s ordeal?”
“Too much on my mind. The past. The future.” She sighed. “Mechanical birds plummeting out of the sky toward me.”
“My queen worries too much.”
“Don’t we all?” She tried to make light of it.
He surveyed the council. “Perhaps, for once, we should enjoy what we have? One night where duty and obligation does not weigh heavily upon us. I am sure your subjects would not begrudge you one night.”
“It is not my subjects who would begrudge it.”
He met her gaze. “You hold yourself to high standards, I know. But you should be a little kinder upon yourself.”
Alexandra sighed. “How many of my people suffered whilst I was forced to play my role beneath the prince consort’s nose? How many of my people died because I dared not defy him too often?”
“Were you in control of the empire at that time?”
She scowled. “I was queen.”
Gideon shook his head. “You were upon the throne, surrounded by an entire court of bloodthirsty predators. Your husband brooked little refusal to go along with his whims. I saw the way you would look at him when you dared to defy him. I saw your tremble, even as you held your head high and refused to look away. And I knew that defiance would cost you. We all knew it. Do you think I do not judge myself culpable for not doing something more to prevent such cruelties?”
“He would have killed you had you spoken out,” she pointed out.
“I know. But perhaps one voice rising in defiance would have allowed others the same bravery.” Gideon stared into the distance. “I often wonder if my silence cost you and the realm far more than I can ever know. And I will never allow my silence to fail you ever again.”
“Your silence allows us to sit here now, tonight, knowing that he is dead and buried and we can now give our people the safety and freedom they are owed.”
Gideon smiled, “And does my queen argue so vociferously against her own doubts?”
No, she did not. But she’d felt every death during those years as if she’d ordered it herself. “I don’t know why I argue with you. You always have a way of making me want to agree with you.”
“Then don’t argue with me,” he pointed out, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “Just agree. You should be kinder to yourself, my queen. I know you wish to destroy every draconian law your husband ever created, but it will not happen today. Or tomorrow. Or even within the year. Inch by inch, we take this country back to the promise it once had.”
“We?” she asked, a little flirtatiously.
Gideon’s lashes obscured his eyes. “We. For the council stands at your side, prepared to do your every bidding.”
Alexandra smuggled a secret little smile. For she understood he wasn’t speaking of the council at all. “Perhaps you are right then. Perhaps I should allow myself this one night of freedom. What would you suggest?”
“Chess,” he said immediately. “I may even allow you to win.”
“Allow?” How dared he?
Gideon laughed under his breath. “I’m going to pay for that, am I not?”
