Page 17 of My Dirty Father In Law
“Fuck yeah, like in that show,” my friend nods. “What’s it called? Fiancé for Hire? Fiancé Below Deck?”
“90 Day Fiancé,” I say in a tight tone. “And yes, Juliette would have gotten a K-1 if she’d married Harry.”
“Oh, I get it,” Chris says, realization dawning in his voice. “So you’re fucking her for now, but it’s all going bye-bye, right? Yeah, illegal immigration is all over the news right now, and you don’t want to be fucking someone who’s here illegally. So she’s a goner, right? No worries though. You have a fucking private plane. You can fly to France to visit.”
I stare at my drink again, my shoulders sagging.
“No, not exactly.”
“What is it then?” my friend queries. “Did you sell the plane? No worries, bud, just fly commercial. It’s depressing what with the tasteless food, but I hear that shit’s improved a lot. Singapore Airlines has the hottest chicks too,” he smirks. “Trust me, I’ve fucked so many of their stewardesses that I have first-hand knowledge. Oh, and they love butt sex too.”
But I don’t even react to Chris’s foul language. Instead, I stare straight ahead.
“No, I twisted Juliette’s arm. I said I’d get her a visa if she got pregnant with the next Lewis baby. Now that Harry’s gone, it’s the only way to continue my family line.”
“Yeah, but pregnant how?” my friend asks, perplexed. “Did you son freeze his sperm? Dude, that’s fucking smart.”
“No, he didn’t. I said I’d knock her up myself in order to continue the line. That’s why I’m such a fucktard.”
Chris whistles.
“Yeah, you kind of are. But you have the upper hand, my friend. You’re getting sex from a sexy young thing, and using her body until she’s streaming with semen. Then, you’ll kick her out on her ass, right? Give her a load of money as a thank you, and then it’s back to France she goes.”
I jerk to stare at my friend.
“No, it’s not back to France. I’m genuinely trying to knock her up. It’s for my family line”
My friend whistles, his look disbelieving.
“Really? Wow. Just wow. You know what I’m going to say because I’ve told you before, but you are way too caught up in that Lewis and Clark shit, bud. Seriously. I’ve known you for years, and I know “continuing the line” is important to you, but this scheme takes the cake. I mean, I’m sorry bro, but your forebears wouldn’t care about this shit. Hell, no one cares about this shit anymore. It’s antiquated and obscene. We’re not the lord of the manor trying to breed sons on every sexy lady in waiting. Seriously, my dude. Babies are conceived in test tubes these days, so it doesn’t fucking matter.”
“No, it does,” I say in a throaty tone. “The Lewis line is an esteemed one that goes back generations. We can’t just end because Harry’s dead. I want to knock Juliette up. I have to. The line won’t end, at least not on my watch.”
“Okay, I get it,” Chris says with a pointed look. “But what if it does? Would that be so bad? I mean, carbon footprint and all that. People don’t have kids anymore by choice because they want to save the planet. Their DNA is dying with them, and it’s seen as honorable and noble. So what if it happens to you too?”
I grind my teeth.
“They can do whatever the fuck they want, but that’s not going to happen to the Lewises,” I growl.
But Chris is serious, and he holds up a hand.
“Seriously bro, you need to take it easy with this shit. First of all, because you’re not even descended from Meriwether Lewis himself. That dude had no kids. You’re descended from his sister, so the bloodline is indirect and somewhat diluted from the get go.”
“Shut the fuck up,” I growl. But Chris isn’t intimidated and continues to speak.
“Not only that, but Meriwether himself was mentally unstable. I mean, don’t get me wrong because he was the Governor of the Louisiana Territory and an avid explorer who will go down in the annals of history. But he’s not exactly a Disney hero.”
“I didn’t say he was. Besides, that movie was about Pocahontas, and not Sacajawea,” I interject immediately. “Wrong person.”
Chris holds up a big hand.
“Okay, fine. But you get my drift. Meriwether was a bold adventurer, but he was also messed up in the head. I mean, that dude ended up committing suicide, he was so fucked-up.”
“Maybe,” I acknowledge, “but the suicide is still contested. He could have been murdered.”
Chris shrugs before taking a sip of his drink.
“Okay, but all I’m saying is that Meriwether Lewis was a mixed pot, and that he wasn’t some god without faults. All of those dudes were complicated people, including George Washington and Thomas Jefferson. They weren’t just patriots and politicians. They were also enslavers, who saw nothing wrong with what they were doing. Hell, doesn’t Jefferson have a slew of African-American descendants because he took one of his slaves as a mistress? From what I’ve heard, it was pretty common back then for plantation owners to have a second Black family.”
