Page 30 of Four Simple Rules
That changes today. As soon as I can peel myself out of Blake’s bed and warmth.
I groan, stretching my hand out. My entire body stiffens when the sheets beneath my fingertips come back cold and wanting.
I open an eye, fighting against the bright sunlight streaming through her window. At least back in the day, I ensured her blinds were closed when I returned home to dress for school.
My eyes shift around the room and lock on the things Blake collected throughout high school. The photos she took behind our houses. The birds on the branches in their nest. The leaves gently blow in the wind as the sun peeks through, setting for the night.
I was there for each of those photographs. Standing beside her as she zoomed and crouched fifty times, attempting to get the perfect shot. I remember the excitement shining in her eyes when we walked back from her shoot in silence.
I heave a breath, forcing myself to sit up in Blake’s bed. Maybe coming in here last night was a mistake, but the desperation clawing at my soul to be near her took hold. And no one can tell that bastard to simmer down.
A clicking noise on the other side of the room draws my eyes to the lone figure sitting cross-legged on the floor. Her blonde hair rests in a nest of craziness on the top of her head, sticking out everywhere. A tight shirt hugs her upper half, and mid-length athletic shorts hug her thighs. A newer camera hangs from her neck, dangling as she picks through colorful cylinders. The same cylinders I decorated after she left with the thought that one day, she’d find them hiding in our secret spot.
I guess today’s the day.
A piece of paper crinkles in her hands as her hazel eyes scan the paper through her thick glasses perched on the tip of her nose. Swallowing hard, she throws it aside and opens a new container filled to the brim with letters.
“You found the rest?” I ask, leaning my head on my arm.
Her eyes jerk to mine, and my heart stops at the moisture building behind those gorgeous hazel eyes—ones I could investigate for eternity.
Sitting on the edge of the girl I love’s bed without her, my stomach in knots. I did this. I ran her out because I was too insecure and stupid to see what I was doing to her—the only person who truly cared about me.
She’s gone.
The guilt gnaws at my insides, chipping away at my soul piece by piece. If I ever see Blake again, I’ll never be able to make up for what I did. Not that words mean anything, anyway.
A month ago, I said those dreaded words.“Um, who are you?”What was I thinking? God, I’m an asshole—all to gain cool points with my friends and stay in with the baseball crowd. One false move, and I’m off the team. Or that’s what it feels like. Now, I don’t know where my head is. All I know is I need to get away from my dad. Far the fuck away. So does my mom. He’s getting more volatile by the day. His violence is escalating. One day, he’s going to explode and kill us both.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I wipe the tears streaming down my face. Blake’s house is void of life. Like it always has been. When her brother and mother died, her house grew colder—emptier. Now, with Blake gone, it’s like a ghost town. Some nights, I don’t even know if her father comes home from work, which works to my advantage. The longer I can hide in Blake’s room without him noticing, the better. He’s always been a workaholic, even more now that he has no one to come home to.
My heart aches inside my chest. I long to hear Blake’s sweet, soothing voice talking me down off the edge. I want to touch her. Fucking hold her again in my arms and smell the sugary vanilla body wash she loves to use.
But I lost that right a month ago when I uttered those terrible words. She’s not coming back. Her number no longer works. Her social media disappeared overnight. She’s gone—a ghost. There’s nothing I can do that will bring her back. Fuck!
My fingers pull at the ends of my hair. Why did I do this? Why did I have to be such an asshole? All I had to do was talk to her privately for a minute, and then none of this would have happened. Instead, I was a jackass.
I heave a breath, trying to slow my frantic heart beating erratically against my lungs. Someway, I need to get all these feelings bubbling inside me out. They’re building and building, ready to explode if I don’t act.
My eyes dance across her room, taking in everything she left behind. When my eyes land on the desk across the room, an idea sparks in my mind. Shuffling to her small desk, I rifle through the contents. Finally, a piece of paper and a pink pen comes into view, and I pull them out. The words come fast and easily, pouring out onto the page with every ounce of feeling festering inside.
Dear Blake.
I miss you. I love you, too. I was an idiot to ever tell you that you couldn’t love me. I know you could. You’re the sunshine in the rain. The person I looked forward to seeing.
I took advantage of our friendship. I made it one-sided. If I could go back in time and change everything, I would. Having you here is more important than anything. You’re more important than my friends…my future. Hell, you were my future.
I’ll love you for a million years. No matter the distance. If I ever see you again… I won’t let you go.
I know I was your first, Tulip. But you were my first, too… And I’ll hold that close forever…
Love, Jesse.
I fold the paper into a small square, shoving it into my pocket. Tonight, I will buy another cylinder to bury and place it in the tree. For the next year, I will bury my feelings in our spot, never giving up hope that she’ll come back here and one day read my biggest regrets, fears, and loves.
“I was your first?” she whispers, with tears rolling down her cheeks. “I…” Her lips roll together as her eyes dart over the page again, rereading my most intimate words. I could never show Blake my vulnerable side. Not in person, at least.
“You were,” I rasp, sitting up and throwing my legs over the edge of the bed. My fingers rub my chest, soothing the ache forming over my heart.
