Page 117 of Spiralling Skywards
“Could you not have trusted my judgement though?”
“Of course I trust your judgement, but you’re in love. For the very first time, I might add. Women in love don’t always make the wisest choices. I just needed the reassurance of meeting him for myself. I won’t apologise for that.”
Anger bubbled in my belly and rose to my chest. I knew exactly what was hidden behind what Nan was saying.
“What you mean is, you were worried I’d be just like my mother and fall for a complete loser like my father, you can just come out and say it, Nan. I know it’s what you all think—that I’m just like her. I know that you’re all just waiting for me to turn into her.”
She stopped walking and turned to face me. I’d never seen her look so angry.
“I should smack your arse for that comment. You arenothinglike her, you’veneverbeen anything like her, and youneverwill be. We couldn’t be more proud of you. You and Luke. What on earth would make you say something like that?”
Nan was close to tears, which made me feel terrible for my outburst.
“Is that really what you think, that we’re all waiting for you to turn into Kate?”
I wiped a tear from under my eye. I didn’t know why I was crying, probably because I felt ashamed of myself.
My grandparents had stepped in and raised us when our own father was nowhere to be found. And they’d raised us well, supporting all our choices and decisions as we grew up. We never wanted for anything, and we always felt loved. My issues were exactly that,myissues. They had nothing to do with my family.
“No.” I sniffed. “I just get so scared sometimes, Nan.”
“Of what, sweetheart?” She reached out and took both my hands in hers.
“That I am like her. That she’s inside me somewhere, just waiting to get out.”
“No, Sarah, that won’t happen. You and Kate are like chalk and cheese. You may look exactly like her, but personality wise, you’re polar opposites. You can’t go through life thinking that way, it’s not healthy.”
I took a deep breath in, but my bottom lip still trembled when I spoke.
“Liam’s been talking about marriage and starting a family when the house is finished and we’ve settled in, but I’m scared. What if I’m a terrible mother?”
She shook her head gently and then reached out and swiped the tears from my face.
“I’ll tell you something that you probably won’t believe, but I’m going to say it anyway. Your mum was actually a really good mother at one time. She was a natural when it came to caring for Luke, but the depression got a hold of her, and we, we let her down.”
Nan’s voice began to waiver.
“We didn’t spot it, not at first. When she split up with Vinnie, we thought it was for the best, and she did seem to be doing okay for a while, but then he’d reappear and then disappear, and every time he did, he seemed to take a little piece of her with him.”
I knew exactly how that felt. I’d experienced it when Liam and I had our time apart, and we’d only been together a month. Imagine sharing your life with someone for years, having a child, and then separating, repeatedly.
“We tried to keep him away from her. Grandad did some digging and found out he was married and had two young kids, he even threatened to tell his wife if Vinnie didn’t stay away, but it didn’t work. She used to beg him to stay, but of course he had to leave, he had a wife and family to get back to, not that she knew that.”
I stopped walking.
“Wait. What? She didn’t know he was married?”
“She had no idea, not until he disappeared after she told him she was carrying you.”
“I had . . . I didn’t know. I always assumed she knew he had a wife and just didn’t care.”
“No, we’d only just found out and were going to tell her, then she told him she was pregnant, thinking that would be enough to make him settle down. It ended up doing the opposite, and he vanished. Grandad went looking for him at the house he lived in with his wife, but she hadn’t seen him either. He’d up and left both of them. Four kids, all left without a dad.”
“Shit. What a depressing story.”
“Depressing doesn’t cover it, not once you factor in the way depression took hold of her. She suffered from it all of the way through her pregnancy with you, but she attended all of her doctor’s appointments, checked in with the midwife regularly, and, despite us trying to get her to come home and live with us, she stayed at her own place.”
“I wonder why when she so obviously needed the help.”
