Page 37 of Spiralling Skywards
I scooted backagainst the headboard with Sarah still in my arms. I held her tightly for a full ten minutes, making sure she was sound asleep before moving into a more comfortable position.
This was all my fault. I pushed her too far. I knew she was young, but I had no clue exactly how inexperienced she was. I also had no idea how much of a negative impact her parents had on her life. Her words kept playing on a loop in my head, her dad went back to his wife? Was she the product of an affair? How did that work? Did she and Luke have different dads? Fuck, my dad was an arsehole sometimes, but at least he’d been there. At least he was present, too present a lot of the time. As for my mum, I didn’t know how I would’ve managed without her growing up. Even at thirty, I still needed my mum.
Sarah had grown up without either. I wondered if she had ever met her dad, if he had ever played a part in her life. I couldn’t remember Luke mentioning him being around. This must be the reason her grandparents had stepped up. Thank fuck they had. I hated to even contemplate what might’ve happened if they hadn’t been around. Despite everything, she was lucky that Luke was a good bloke and he, along with their grandparents, had always been there for her. I wondered how young she was when all this happened, young I was guessing. No wonder Luke was so protective of her. All things considered, it came as no surprise really that they were so close, and here I was, putting her in a position where she was having to lie to him, where she knewIwas lying to him.
Fuck.
I’d made promises I didn’t know if I could keep. My move to England was supposed to be temporary, a year, maybe two. However long it took to get the new business up and running.
In the space of four weeks, this girl had me spinning, buying houses, and promising a future, a forever. I wasn’t even divorced yet. I had a wife for fuck’s sake—a wife I’d conveniently forgotten to mention to Sarah.
I’d instructed my lawyers back in Australia to serve Olivia with divorce papers on the same day I left. I’d not heard anything from her yet, but I was expecting to any day now. She could fight me all she liked, but her adultery and our two-year separation were enough grounds to end things, which was exactly what needed to happen.
I had a new life in England now. Sarah was hopefully my future, Olivia my past.
Sarah turned her head slightly in my arms, mumbled something about someone named Kylie, and then licked her lips. Suddenly feeling way too warm, I pulled off my beanie and undid my cardigan. She let out a small sigh, and I pulled her tighter into my chest, overwhelmed by what I felt for this girl. My eyes roamed her face, memorizing every detail about her eyelashes, right down to the way they fanned out except for the very corners, where they curled right up. She had the prettiest eyes when they were open, the bluest blue. The image of a tiny little girl, barely walking with strawberry blonde hair and freckles on her nose hit me out of nowhere. Sarah’s little girl.
Our little girl.
A child.
Our child.
Olivia and I had never discussed children. Not once. Not even when other people brought up the subject. She didn’t have a maternal bone in her body, and I didn’t want to bring a child into the world that would be moulded and manipulated to do her family’s bidding. Fuck that. Children were my sister’s job. I’d run the family businesses, but I wouldn’t be carrying on the family name. Yet, here I was only four weeks after meeting Sarah Carter, planning a future with her, making promises, and imagining what our children might look like.
My eyes moved from her lashes to her mouth, and I couldn’t resist the temptation, the pull, whatever it was, it overwhelmed me, drew me in and spat me out feeling eviscerated. I simply had no fight or resistance left in me, nor did I seek it out. I brushed my lips against hers and opened my arms and my heart to whatever emotions were about to come my way. She sighed at my kiss, and that was when I fell.
I thought I was prepared.
I had no fucking clue.
The ground opened up and swallowed me whole, consumed me. I fell to a place unknown to me. A place way beyond my comprehension. It was no longer about lust. My feelings had moved way, way beyond lust.
My chest tightened as I took a few moments to acknowledge that fact. I let it settle over me, I absorbed it and sucked it into my pores, I let it flow through my bloodstream and sink into my marrow.
She was inside me now, part of my DNA, and I had to fight the overwhelming need to cry as that realisation hit me and panic began to set in.
What the fuck?
I can’t do this.
This is not who I am. Not what I do.
This is not what I came here for.
I didn’t even know what ‘this’ was. I’d known her for four weeks. Four fucking weeks.
My head was screaming at me to run. Run far, far away, but my heart, my heart had my arse firmly planted on the bed with my arms tightly wrapped around the girl that was fast becoming the centre of my world, my whole fucking universe.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, it was on silent, but the vibration caused Sarah to stir but not wake. I’d never had an anxiety or panic attacks, I’d never even witnessed one, but I was pretty sure that’s what she’d had earlier, and I was pretty sure that they left the person feeling drained afterwards.
I actually didn’t mind if she’d stayed asleep all night. I would have gladly held on to her till my very last breath.
And what was scary was that the thought of holding on to her for the rest of my life didn’t scare me, whereas the thought of losing her left me terrified.
I must’ve fallen asleep too because the next thing I knew, we were lying wrapped around each other on the bed, obviously trying to keep warm as the room was freezing. I’d had all of the amenities switched on the day before, I just hadn’t physically switched on the heating. I’d been out and bought a kettle, toaster, and a coffee machine, as well as the bed and bedding, towels, and a fridge freezer, which would be delivered on Monday.
I was hoping that Sarah would come with me to pick out furniture. I looked down at her sleeping in my arms and knew that if moving my life permanently to England was what I had to do for this girl, then that was what would happen. Leaving her was no longer an option.
