Page 88 of Spiralling Skywards
Missing him camein waves. At times, it lapped at the edge of my consciousness, a small tickle against my skin that I barely noticed. Other times, it would be like a tsunami, potent and destructive, washing away every resolve I made to be strong. But I stayed afloat. The moments of feeling like I was drowning, being sucked further and further under, were gradually replaced with the knowledge that each and every day, I was somehow managing to keep my head above water.
I was surviving. I would survive, but in the beginning it was hard.
The day after he walked out the door with my heart, he moved in across the road. I’d called in sick and told work I would be taking the rest of the week off for some personal time.
Dripping wet from a shower, I was standing in my bedroom with a towel wrapped around myself when I realised his car was parked in its designated spot. How had I let it slip my mind that he’d rented a place directly opposite mine? Probably because I’d honestly assumed he’d either go back to Australia with Olivia or move in somewhere with her.
I stood and imagined a million scenarios in which he would walk across the road, knock at my door, and tell me it was all a big mistake.
But he didn’t. Because it wasn’t.
I spent the day like a sad and lonely stalker, watching from my bedroom window as delivery after delivery of furniture and the larger electrical items we’d gone out and purchased together on Sunday arrived.
Sunday.
Today was only Tuesday, but oh so much had changed.
I didn’t see him once. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to. I thought I did, but I didn’t want to experience the reaction seeing him might cause.
He was going to be living opposite me for at least the next six months. I was going to have to get used to it. And then an awful thought occurred to me, what if she was moving in with him? What if the pair of them were going to be shacked up over the road? Sleeping in the bedroom that faced mine.Ourbedroom. Inourbed.
I didn’t cry.
I just felt sick and had a headache, then my phone buzzed from where it was lying on my bed.
Will:Hey, heard ur not feeling 2 fresh. Want me 2 bring you anything? W x
I hadn’t seen him since all the commotion Sunday night. I’d ignored his texts about needing to talk. I didn’t really want to talk to him then, but I also didn’t want things to be awkward between us. Sasha had Pilates that night, and she usually went for a drink afterwards. Without thinking too much about it, I text him back.
Me:There’s nothing that I need, thanks. Maybe we need to talk tho?
I cringed as I sent the message. I was happy that I’d been brave enough to do it but absolutely dreading his response.
Will:Shit, Sunshine, u obvs know what was said on Sunday. I didn’t want it 2 b like this. I wanted 2 talk face 2 face.
I felt bad then. I shouldn’t have, though. He was the one who had admitted to everyone but me how he felt, and I was a little pissed off about that.
I decided to take the bull by the horns. Confronting Will had to be a lot healthier than hiding behind my bedroom window and watching the man who owned my heart construct a love nest across the road for him and his pregnant wife to share.
Me:You wanna come over now?
I closed my eyes and tapped the phone against my chin a few times before finally hitting send.
Will:On my way. X
His reply was instant.
I quickly dressed and put on some make-up. I wasn’t trying to impress Will, but I also didn’t want to terrify the poor man. I’d woken in the middle of the night having a moment. I think I cried for a solid half hour before falling back asleep, and despite my shower, my eyes were still a little puffy and my skin a tad blotchy. So, yeah, a little help was required.
I’d just flicked the kettle on when I heard Will call from the front.
“You decent, Sunshine?”
“No. totally naked, whatever you do, don’t come in.”
Both Will and Luke had keys to our place. My brother usually just walked in unannounced, but Will always made his presence known. I’d given him my usual response out of habit, but knowing what I now did about his feelings for me, I was blushing scarlet and wishing that I’d just kept my big mouth shut.
I put tea bags into the two mugs I’d just got out, knowing that he was behind me and watching my every move. Composing myself as best I could, I turned to face him.
