Page 76 of Spiralling Skywards
I called insick the next morning. My head was banging, my eyes were puffy, and my throat was sore. I both looked and sounded terrible. I had told my boss it was the flu as I figured he wouldn’t pay me sick leave if I’d have told him I was suffering from a severe case of heartbreak.
There was a note from Sasha sitting on the kitchen worktop when I finally forced myself to get up and make coffee. All it said was for me to call her when I woke up. I took off my flip-flop and picked a piece of red glass out of it while I waited for the kettle to boil. “Sorry, Betty,” I apologised.
My poor lamp. My poor bedroom. My poor heart. All stomped on, smashed, and broken.
My phone vibrated in the pocket of my favourite Carnage hoodie I’d pulled on over the top of my pink pyjamas.
Will’s number was displayed on the screen. I didn’t need his sympathy or puppy-dog eyes this morning, so I set my phone down and proceeded to make my coffee.
A text message shortly followed.
Will:Hey. Hope ur doin' ok after last nite? Can we meet up 2day, I really need 2 talk 2 u?
W x
“No, Will, I’m not okay, and no I don’t wanna talk,” I said aloud.
I didn’t respond because then he’d know that I’d ignored his call, instead I sat at the breakfast bar in my kitchen and stared into my coffee cup, feeling . . . what? What was I feeling exactly? Heartbroken? Was that what I was? I hadn’t ever experienced heartbreak before, so I wasn’t sure.
I was sad and wanted to cry, but I was too angry to cry any more. He’d lied to me. Not only did he have a wife but also he’d slept with her a little over a month ago.
Twice.
Once was bad enough. The heat of the moment, old passions surfacing, and the need for closure. I sort of understood that, but twice? No. The second time would have been slower, calmer, and intimate, more about want than need.
Once or twice, it didn’t matter really. Either way, he’d lied to me.
Now there was a pregnancy, and I was done. I wanted no part in his life. Yes, it hurt. Yes, my heart was broken, whatever that meant, but it would heal. My heart may never be the same, but it would mend.
Thanks to Liam, I knew that I could enjoy sex if it was with the right person. I wasn’t about to turn into a raving nympho, but I would no longer totally shut down on a man at the merest hint of a physical relationship. I’d now behave like a normal twenty-two-year-old and hopefully enjoy a happy and healthy sex life going forward.
My phone buzzed with another text, making me jump.
Liam:Can we meet up 2day? We need 2 talk Sarah. I love you! ~Liam x
I thought about ignoring his message, I thought about calling him but I thought mostly about crying and then I realised I was. I typed out a message through my tears.
Me:No. We can’t meet up 2day or any other day. We’re done. Plz don’t contact me again, I have nothing to say to u.
No sign off. No kiss.
Liam:We r so far from done. If I call, will u answer? I’m in the city all day but I want to c u 2nite.
I didn’t want to play this game. He was just making things harder all round. My phone buzzed again and my stomach churned.
Liam:Plz, Sarah. Talk 2 me.
In my head I could hear him say the words, “Talktome, pretty girl.” The thought of his accent making the beat of my broken heart pick up speed.
I couldn’t talk to him, couldn’t risk for his voice, accent, or words to slip around my heart and my head. I wouldn’t allow them to affect me and make me doubt my choices.
Was this how it was for her? Was this what my mum was up against with my dad? Did she try to resist? Did she attempt to keep away from him? What was it he said that made her allow him to keep coming back time and time again for so many years? For the first time ever in my life, I wished I had my mum to talk to. I wished that she was around so I could ask her for advice on this. I needed her to tell me hownotto make the same mistakes she had. I needed her to guide me through the traps so I wouldn’t fall into them and end up like her.
I couldn’t.
I wouldn’t allow it.
I was stronger. I wasn’t like her.
