Page 67 of Spiralling Skywards: Fading
I was devastated that Liam missed the birth. Devastated, pissed off, angry. Between dealing with that and my grandad’s death, I was a mess, and during the night after the twin’s birth, I barely stopped crying long enough to think straight.
I felt so torn. I wanted to be happy that our twins were delivered safely, and despite being early and small, they were doing well, but I was also heartbroken at losing the man who had raised me.
I’d just been helped back into bed by the nurse after seeing the babies in the special care unit, when Liam walked into my room around lunchtime the following day.
Maggie was sitting in the chair next to my bed and stood the instant she saw him. She smacked him so hard around the face thatIsaw stars.
“Youshould’ve been here.Sheis your wife.Theyare your children, your family.Yourfucking priority. I’m so disappointed in you right now. You do realise that you’re turning into him, don’t you? And just like Dad, you’re gonna lose it all if you don’t make some changes.”
Liam didn’t move. His eyes remained fixed on his sister as she spoke, and he dropped his head to stare at the floor when she left the room.
He finally looked up and met my gaze. My heart broke for him, for me, for us. But overriding the heartbreak, was anger.
“I don’t want you here.” His eyes widened, and he opened his mouth to speak. “I need you to go. You should be with Carter, he needs you; I don’t.”
“Sarah, please. I’m so—”
“No. Not this time. I don’t want to hear it this time. One of the most important people in my life died yesterday, and then I gave birth to twins. I did all of that without you here. I didn’t need you then, and I certainly don’t need you now, so you can fuck off.”
“I wanna see my babies.”
“You can see them. I’d never stop you from doing that. I just don’t want to be around you right now.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I need your sorrys even less than I need you right now. You manage to forget I exist and put me at the bottom of your priority pile most of the time, so let’s just keep up with that tradition shall we?”
I watched him push his hands down deep into the pocket of his jeans as he stared once again at the floor in front of him. His hair had grown, his usual stubble was a full-on beard, and I wanted nothing more than to reach out to him. I wanted him to hold me. To love me. I knew that if I did reach out for him, he would do both of those things, but I let my anger get the better of me and pushed him away.
When he looked up at me he was crying.
“You’ve broken my heart,” I told him. My words coming out on a sob.
“I know. I fucking know, pretty girl, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
I shook my head. “You don’t, though. You have no fucking idea.”
We stared at each other, both of us crying, and for the first time ever, I contemplated what life might be like as a single mother to three small boys. I allowed the word “divorce” to worm its way into my brain and thought about all that it would entail for me and for my children.
“I’m gonna go and see the babies, and then I’ll be back.”
“I don’t want you back.”
“I don’t care. I should’ve been by your side through all of this. I wasn’t, but I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.”
***
I was allowed out of the hospital after a week, meaning that I was able to attend my grandad’s funeral. The twins were ten days old, but were still in the hospital, so Liam, Carter, Lori, Maggie, and me were all staying with my nan. And because they were likely to remain in hospital for a few weeks yet, we’d decided to move Christmas to Nan’s house, too. The twins were gaining weight and breathing on their own but both of them still had feeding tubes.
It was hard, so hard. Liam and I were barely speaking. True to his word, he hadn’t left my side, but I was still struggling to forgive him.
I felt the same way about my brother, too. He’d offered his apologies, but I saw them as nothing but hollow platitudes and had nothing to say to him, either.
Nan wasn’t doing so great either and had us all worried. She’d once had to bury her only child, and now she had to bury her husband. I couldn’t imagine ever having to do either, and I didn’t want to. It was that thought that helped me make up my mind to try to sort out the mess that was my marriage. I knew I had to let go of some of the hurt, anger, and resentment and allow Liam back in. He was trying his hardest to make amends, but until then, I’d shut him down at every attempt. The anger was eating me up.
I felt like I was living under a cloud or in a fog. My emotions were a tumultuous mess. I was mourning, I was angry, and I had a cocktail of post-pregnancy hormones pumping through my system. Because I didn’t know how I should be dealing with it all, I simply put a lid on it. I shut it all down and decided to deal with it when I was able to think straight, when I wasn’t so angry, and when I didn’t feel like bursting into tears every thirty seconds.
Liam passed me a cup of tea as I leant against the doorframe of Nan’s kitchen. I took it, but my eyes didn’t stray from Carter, who was playing outside trying to catch snowflakes in his mouth, as Maggie helped him build a snowman.
