Page 4 of The Story of Us
That year, that holiday, it’s still one of my best ever. My lips and the skin around them felt permanently bruised and sore from all the kissing we did; Sean never did speak to my Dad, he didn’t have to, the fact that we held each other’s hand every second we were together made it perfectly clear what was going on between us. It did though prompt my Mum and Dad to sit the pair of us down and give us the ‘We trust you and hope that you will be respectful of each other and your bodies… and aside from all that, it’s actually illegal for you to be having sex and you could go to jail’ talk. We sat there mortified, Sean squeezing my hand so tight I thought it was going to break. Then he did the most amazingly beautiful thing, he let my Mum finish her speech about me being a good girl, bought up the right way and knowing right from wrong and waiting until I was older before taking things too far. I seriously wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Why did we have to have this conversation now, in front of Sean? Sean took my hand that he was holding and kissed the back of it. He cleared his throat before saying.
“Frank, Bernie… I know we’re young but I need you to know, that from the first moment I laid eyes on your daughter, I’ve been a little bit in love with her, I’ve wanted to tell her for a while now but I wanted to be respectful of you and the boys. You’ve all been so good to me, you treat me better than my own parents so I wanted to do this right, I wanted to wait until Gia was old enough and until you were comfortable with us having a relationship but I can’t wait anymore, I love her and I want to be able to hold her hand and kiss her.”
Shit. Don’t say anymore in front of them.
“We are too young to be thinking about anything more than that, but, I… we, we just want to be together and for you all to be happy about it.”
Fucking hell, I’ve never died so many times during one afternoon. Where are my brothers and Jimmie when you need rescuing, I bet my parents told them to stay out the way, does that mean everyone is going to know about this little chat? Fucking hell.
“Well… Sean… as long as you respect my daughter, I don’t think that we’ll have a problem. Would you like a beer son, you must need one after that little speech?”
My parents treated me differently for the rest of that holiday, almost like a grown up. They allowed Jimmie and I to drink wine at dinner, my Mum asked my opinion on her outfits and told me to try my hair in different styles, she spoke to me like I was her friend, not just her daughter. My Dad took on a more fatherly demeanour around Sean and spoke to him about his plans after he finished his fifth year, legally he could leave school if he wanted but our school went right up to sixth form and Sean and Marley were both staying on. I don’t think either of them really wanted to study anymore but if they left the education system they would be expected to get full time jobs and this would leave them no time for their music. They had been lucky so far, the money they made with the band meant that they hadn’t even had to get a parttime job and as their popularity grew they were getting bookings for Friday and Saturday nights and now had a regular Sunday lunch time spot at a pub not too far from where we lived. So as wages for a group of students went, they were doing okay.
CHAPTER 3
Returning to school that September, I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life, after we’d gotten back from Portugal, Sean and I were inseparable. Luckily he was always at our house anyway, all that was different was that now when the band practised, I got a kiss every ten minutes between rehearsals, when Sean came and sat next to me after practise, he would hold my hand, he never stopped paying me attention and I never stopped enjoying it. We were very rarely alone together though, my parents must have drummed it into my brother’s heads that under no circumstances were we to be left by ourselves and it was comical at times, the lengths they’d go to. Even if Marley was going to the toilet, he would send Sean to fetch something, just so we weren’t left alone, even if it was only going to be for five minutes. What could we possibly get up to in five minutes? Well lots it turned out, Sean was a typical sixteen year old boy and he had needs and despite only being fourteen, he stirred something in me that I have to admit, at times, terrified me. I wanted sex, I really wanted to have sex with him, I have no idea if it was raging hormones caused by my age or if it was just him, Sean, what he did to me, what he caused me to feel but I was totally convinced that the feelings I had, meant that I must surely be a whore, a slut but I didn’t care, I just wanted him.
I spoke to Jimmie about all of this but she wasn’t quite getting the passion I felt; she and Marley were turning into more like best friends than boyfriend and girlfriend, there was something going on with her but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what, she never spoke about other boys and she was at our house as much as she always was but things just weren’t happening between her and Marls and it didn’t seem to bother her when he spoke about other girls, or when he kissed other girls like I had seen him do when the band came off stage. My Dad had fixed them up with a transit van so they could get from gig to gig with all their equipment; despite working at one of my Dad’s car showrooms in the day, Lennon was now pretty much managing the boys, he took and arranged all the bookings, managed the money and as the only one amongst us with a full license, he also did all the driving.
It was Christmas eve of 1982 when I finally worked out what was going on with Jimmie; the band were booked at a local pub, it was a ticket only event and was a complete sell out, we arrived early as the place would be filling up by seven and the boys wanted to have a sound check as they’d never played at this venue before and this was probably going to be their biggest crowd yet, over two hundred tickets had been sold according to Len, and the boys wanted to impress. Not that they wouldn’t, they were great and getting better with every show, growing in confidence so much that almost fifty per cent of their songs were originals, written by Marley and Sean mostly, they still did covers, The Clash, The Jam, The Undertones, The Specials being among their favourites as well as some old classics by The Who, Beatles and Kinks, whatever they played, they sounded great and I loved watching Sean up on the stage, especially when his eyes would lock with mine and everyone else would just melt away, me and him, that’s all there was, that’s all that mattered.
The boys were having a run through of their set when I realised I was cold, the hall at the back of the pub was big and the heating hadn’t been put on yet so I went to go back outside to get my jacket, as I walked down the hallway toward the emergency exit at the back of the building where the van was parked, I saw them, Lennon and my best friend Jamie. Kissing like their lives depended on it. I stood and watched for a few seconds, my best friend and my brotherand neither of them thought to tell me about it. What about Marley, did he know, is that why they had kept it quiet? This could cause so much trouble between the boys and I wished that I didn’t know about it. I watched as they broke apart but still stared into each other’s eyes, I knew that look, it’s how Sean and I looked at each other, this was more than just a kiss, this was love and I was thoroughly pissed off with the pair of them. As they turned to walk back inside, I walked toward them looking at the ground as if I had seen nothing. Lennon held the door open for me.
“Porge, where you off to?”
“Don’t call me that. I want my jacket out of the van. Is it open?”
He threw me the keys as he and Jimmie walked back inside, she didn’t look me in the eye as she passed and it hurt a little that my best friend had kept this secret from me. She knew everything about me, every look, every thought, every feeling, why wouldn’t she share this with me? He’s my brother. Did she not think I would be interested?
I grab my coat, head back inside and look around for Len, he appears through the swing doors leading from the front of the pub, carrying a tray full of drinks; he put them down on the table next to me and shouted for the boys to come down from the stage. Jim appeared at my side, then Sean, Lennon passed out beers to the boys and gave me and Jimmie a bottle of cider each.
“Here’s to Carnage! A great gig, a very merry Christmas and great things for the coming year – 1983 boys, it’s gonna be our year, I can just feel it. Cheers.”
There were kisses and hugs all round; Jimmie felt stiff and informal when she pulled me into her and I felt awkward. Sean wrapped his arms around me and kissed me like he was never going to let me go.
“Merry Christmas G. Stay close to Lennon tonight, it’s gonna get busy in here and don’t drink too much.”
He kisses my nose and looks over my face. “You okay?”
Tears sting the backs of my eyes for some reason and I feel angry with myself for getting upset so I just nod my head.
“What’s wrong? You look upset.” I shake my head and smile up at him.
“I’m just so proud of you; you sound so great up there, especially the new stuff. 1983 really could be your year you know? Will you still love me when you’re famous and your pictures are all over ‘The Face’ and ‘Smash Hits’?”
He pulls me into him tightly.
“I’ll love you forever G, wherever I am in the world, whatever I’m doing, it will always be you, I’m yours, for as long as you want me, for as long as I’m good for you, I’m all yours.”
“What does that mean? For as long as you’re good for me? What does that mean?”
There’s a hysterical edge to my voice and I hate it. Why would he say that? He looks around the room before looking back down at me.
“I just worry sometimes, I think your Mum and Dad and even your brothers would prefer it if you was with someone who wanted a proper job, who had something more solid planned for when they leave school; music is all I want G, music and you and sometimes I worry that that’s not enough.”
A tear rolls down my cheek, I never knew he felt like this, of course he’s enough, he’s everything.
“I love you Sean, no matter what, I love you, I don’t care about anything or anyone else and you will always be enough, always.”
