Page 5 of Conviction
What if he has? What if he’s gotten a blowjob from her? What if she loves it? What if she loveshim? What if she’s had his babies?
I don’t care.
I do, I care too much.
Fuck!
I need to shut my brain down. This is why I try and stay away from coke, it makes me think. It makes me think far too much. I need a drink. I need to get up to our room, watch some randoms fuck when I tell them to, and I need to get drunk. I need to drink until my brain shuts the fuck up and I can go to sleep and not dream... not dream of any of them. Not her, not my mum and not Miles.
A few photographers are hanging about outside the hotel, and I take a couple of deep breaths and get my racing thoughts under control as we stop and pose, letting them earn their money. I need to shut her down. I need to shut down all thoughts of her and fuck them off out of my brain. It’s been fifteen years... fifteen fucking years, and I seriously need to get a grip. I hate that she can still do this. I’m Conner Reed. I’m living the dream, and yet a single thought, a distant memory of a little blue-eyed, blonde-haired girl from Surrey can bring me to my knees.
Well. Fuck. Her.
Tonight, I’m not gonna let that happen. I’m gonna focus on the here and now and just how great my fucking life is. I’m buzzing from the coke, the last show of the tour and the fact that I’ve just blown my load in the back of the limo. I’ve had a good night so far, so let’s pay it forward and give the paps the picture they need to pay their rent with this week. They’re wankers most of them, but at the end of the day, it’s their job, and I’m happy to help out anyone that’s just trying to make a living.
The lovely Lara’s still with us, and for some reason, which probably seems entirely logical in Jet’s weird but beautiful mind, he’s now carrying her monkey style toward the lifts that’ll take us up to our penthouse, and the guests we invited to join us earlier. And then I see her, and my buzz and my good mood vanish in an instant.
Amanda Vale. Women like her are the reason I don’t do return rides. I made the mistake of fucking her twice. She now assumes there’s something between us, and that I just need to come to my senses and realise it. Yeah, right! What she needs to do is take the hint that I’m not interested, then fuck off and leave me alone. I don’t do relationships. The problem is, she’s a personal assistant to our manager, Lawson, and her dad’s a significant shareholder in our record label, which all means she’s around – a lot.
She’s older than me, about forty I reckon. She’s beautiful don’t get me wrong. She’s stunning and keeps herself in good shape, but none of that matters. Becauseshe’snother. None of them areher,and that’s why none ofthemmatter.
“Oh dear, stalker alert at two o’clock,” Jet says quietly from beside me as Lara sucks on his neck, her arms and legs wrapped around him as he continues to carry her like a baby monkey clinging to his chest.
“Yeah, I see. Don’t make eye contact.” We both keep looking straight ahead, aiming for the lift thats only destination is to our room.
“Reed,” she calls out.
“Fuck,” Jet and I both whisper together. We turn at the same time and face Amanda.
“Well, looky here, it’s Miss Mandy. You coming up to play with us sweetie?” Jet asks her. She knows what he’s asking. Amanda is aware of the kind of games we like to play, especially after a show. She’s seen what goes on and knows how we operate, even joining us once. I watch as her eyes move from me to Jet, to Lara and back to Jet again.
“I actually wondered if you fancied going for something to eat, Reed.” Her eyes move back to mine. Fuck, I don’t want to be an arsehole, but there’s no way I’m going anywhere with her.
“Sorry Amanda, I’ve already got plans,” I tell her.
“But you’re more than welcome to join us if you want,” Jet adds.
“Will I have your undivided attention if I do, Reed?”
I shake my head before she’s even finished speaking. “You know that’s not how we operate, Amanda. Now if you don’t mind, it’s been a long tour, and now it’s over I’m gonna go and have some fun before I fly home tomorrow.” We turn and head back toward the lift and leave her standing there. I feel bad, but I shouldn’t. We had a quick fuck in an office at the studios one drunken night and then she joined Jet and me for a foursome with some other girl, whose name I don’t remember. Although technically, I just watched and directed the three of them in action, until the very last minute when I came in the mouth of the unnamed girl, pissing Amanda off big time. That was about three months ago, and despite me telling her from the start there was nothing more than sex between us, since then, she’s continuously tried ways to be alone with me. She’s invited me out for drinks, lunch, coffee, and dinner. She’s tried them all. I’ve refused each and every offer, and yet here she is, still trying, still not giving up. She’s persistent, I’ll give her that.
I step out of theshower and grab a towel off the rack and wrap it around my hips. I grab another and rub my hair dry with it while wandering into the bedroom. I sit on the bed and stare down at the carpet, mentally preparing myself for tonight’s events. We invited two couples and two girls back to join us. Plus, we’ve now added Lara to the mix.
The buzz from the coke I had earlier is wearing off and if the truth be told, I’d quite happily go straight to bed right now, but if I do that I’ll start to think, and the first and probably the last thing I’ll think about isher. I get the usual stab of pain in my gut and chest, the instant I allow her image to enter my head.
The night she didn’t show up, my life changed forever. That night, changed the course I thought my life was set on. Her not showing resulted in my brother’s death and me going to prison. Ultimately, all of those things had led me to Jet and the band, but I’d give it all up in a heartbeat if it meant I got my brother back and for the accident to never have happened. I look up toward the door as it rattles and Jet calls my name.
“Reed. Dude, hope you’re not in there getting all depressed. Get out here and have some fun. Stop thinking and come join us.”
I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly. It hurts. I don’t know why but by keeping my breaths short and shallow, it helps keeps the pain away. When I breathe deep, it’s like I let go of the tightness in my chest a little, which in turn, lets the ache and the pain out, or is it in? Either way, all these years later and it still hurts just as much.
“Reed, you hearing me?”
“Yeah man, I’ll be out in a minute. Go get them warmed up and wet. Put on a porno or something. Yeah, put on some gay porn. I wanna see how the bloke with the muscles reacts. Let’s see how far we can push him tonight.”
“You’re an evil, twisted genius, Conner Reed. I fucking love you. Don’t be too long.”
Twisted, now ain’t that the truth. I’d moved on from my days of just liking to take charge in the bedroom.
