Page 83 of Conviction
“Why are you angry with me, Con?” I ask, feeling my lip tremble as I talk.Fuck him.What an arsehole.
“Why not?” He asks.
“Fuck you,” I tell him. This time I twist and buck until I break free of his hold and make my way back up to bed. I don’t remember Conner being an angry drunk. I remember his dad was, but the few times I ever remember Conner being drunk, he was always happy.
I take a quick shower and try and calm myself down. That woman has a fucking cheek coming in here and telling me that she’s fucked Conner. Why would she do that? A million images a minute rush through my mind as I imagine Conner and her together. Conner, her and Lawson together. I don’t want to feel jealous, like he said, I knew what I was getting myself into. I know he has a past and a reputation as a womaniser, and if we’re ever going to work, then I need to just accept that. He lovesme, Iknowhe loves me but, it all still hurts just the same.
I get out of the shower and head into the bedroom feeling a little calmer. Conner’s sitting on the edge of the bed, drinking JD straight from the bottle.
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough? You’re gonna make yourself sick.”
“What d’you care?”
“Now you sound like a child.”
His eyes meet mine, and we stare quietly at each other for a while.
“I’ve only fucked her, as in actually fucked her a couple of times and then I fucked her face a couple of times more.” He pats the side of the bed, and I go and sit down next to him with the towel still wrapped around me.
“There’s something you need to know, Meebs. I need you to know the things that I’ve done. I’m not a good person, there’s something wrong with me.”
I take the bottle out of his hand and put it on the bedside table. Unsure of what he’s trying to say.
“Talk to me,” I tell him. My heart’s pounding hard against my ribs, my palms are sweating, and my mouth is dry, but I need to hear this. I’d much rather hear the worst from him than pick up a newspaper or magazine one day and find out.
“After you, there was no one. I avoided sex, relationships. I avoided women as much as I could, but once the band started to make it big, they were everywhere.” He rakes his hands through his hair and lays back on the bed, his legs still hanging over the side, feet on the floor.
“I found this way to get off, without getting close to anyone.”
He turns and looks at me. “I got other people to have sex, and I’d watch, telling them what to do.”
What?
I don’t even know what that means.
What to think?
What to feel?
“I don’t understand,” I tell him.
He closes his eyes for a long moment, and I wonder for a second if he’s fallen asleep.
“Jet and I would pick up girls or couples, take them to a hotel room and get them to have sex. Jet would usually join in, I might get a blowjob, occasionally I’d fuck somebody up the arse, but mostly, mostly I’d just wank myself off as I watched them all do things to each other.”
He opens his eyes and turns to look at me, waiting for a reaction, I give none and hopefully hide the fact that my thoughts are scattered in every direction, and my stomach is twisting and tying itself into knots.
He lets out a long so slow sigh or breath as he stares at me.
“I was scared, Meebs. It’s a piss poor excuse, but I was scared. Scared of intimacy, of being touched. I didn’t want to look into anyone’s eyes. I didn’t want to feel their skin on mine.” He sits back up, still watching me.
“We’d take people back to our hotel, and I’d tell them what to do. Take off your clothes, suck him, lick her, fuck each other. I got off on giving out orders and seeing how far I could push people. That’s how I’ve conducted my sex life for pretty much the past ten years.”
My head swims. I don’t know where to even begin processing this.A slow sense of panic builds in my chest, as I wonder if I will I ever be enough for him?
“Is that what you want? You want me to do that, with other people?”
“What? No! Fuck no! I was doing all of those things because I didn’t haveyou, because I was trying to forgetyou.” He shakes his head. “It was horrible, Meebs. Horrible, empty, meaningless fucking. It was everything that we’re not.”
