Page 48 of The Story of Me
“Big brother Marley?”
“Little sister Georgia?”
“D’ya know how much I love you? D’ya know how much Sean loved you? D’ya know how much he would hate for you to be feeling like this? Life goes on, Marls. Whether we like it or not, whether we want it to or not, we have no say in that fact. Sean’s dead. Beau’s dead, something else we can’t change, and nobody knows that more than me, Marls. But what we do have a say in is the way we go on living. Do we live half a life, grieving, mourning, and feeling guilty for every breath we get to take and Sean and Beau don’t? Or do we make every day count?” He doesn’t say a word, but I can hear the occasional sniff and my heart aches so badly to be near him. “I’ve spent the past year doing that, Marls, and it’s achieved absolutely nothing. I’ve almost ripped our family apart with my selfish actions and behaviour, and I’ve run away from life and reality once again. I’ve moved all the way to the other side of the world to try and outrun my past, the pain and the guilt. It doesn’t work, and it catches up with me wherever I am. I’m just finally coming to terms with that. I left all of you behind, trying to pick up the pieces and it’s achieved nothing, got me nowhere.” I wipe my tears away on the tissues Cam passed to me, and I take a sip of my water. “If I’m ever gonna live again, Marls, then I need you to do the same. I can’t go on living if you’re not. How guilty d’ya think I would feel if you were to curl up in a ball and give up while I try and put my life back together? I need to grow up, stop behaving like the princess you all treat me like, and I need to start giving back to all of you. I need all of you to move on with me. I need you to hold my hand and show me the way. I can’t do it without you, Marls.” I don’t know where the words are coming from. I just know they need to be said and I know they need to be acted upon.
I listen to my brother’s sobs, and I lose control of my own. Cam takes my free hand and gives it a squeeze, pulling me into his chest, holding me tightly, making me feel so much better than I deserve.
I hear Marley clear his throat.
“I can do that, George. If you can do it, then I fucking well can, but we need you back here. We miss ya, Porge; we all miss ya.” I want to tell him I’m leaving in the morning, but I don’t want to spoil the surprise.
“I’ll be home by Christmas, I promise.”
“Good, then we can have a proper Christmas, all of us together.” He’s quiet for a few seconds. “Porge?”
“What?”
“I’m sorry if I’ve been a wanker in the past. I’m sorry I’ve been a wanker tonight. It’s just… it’s just been an emotional few days, what with the band splitting, the anniversary and you not being around. I’ve missed ya, and I’m sorry. I just want ya to know I’m sorry this happened to you, that your life ended up this way.” I make a choking sound as I fight to keep another sob down. “I’m gonna go, George; let me know when you’re gonna be home. Love ya.”
“I will do. Love ya, too, Marls.” I end the call and Cam instantly pulls me onto his lap and holds me while I cry.
“I’m so sorry,” I eventually whisper.
“For what?” he asks.
“Everything; everything I’ve put you through.”
He kisses the top of my head. “Me, too, Kitten; me, too.”
We’re both quiet for a few minutes. I let the sound of his strong heart beating in my ear soothe me. My eyes feel heavy but it’s gotten so late, I’m worried if I fall asleep now, I won’t wake up in time for my car to take me to the airport.
After a long period of silence, Cam asks, “What are we doing here, Kitten? Where are we gonna go with this?” I shift so I can see his face.
“Where would you like it to go? Can we start over? Is that possible?”
He shakes his head. Looking down at where his thumb is brushing over my knuckles, he says very quietly, “No, I don’t think we can, Kitten.” My heart feels like it’s being crushed, squeezed so tight; it’s painful. Well, serves me right. After everything I’ve put Cam through over the years, I really can’t blame him. “We can’t start over. We’ve shared too much to put it all behind us, but we can try and move forward, deal with all the shit from the past and try to find a way, but I can’t promise anything.” My heart speeds up as I process what he’s telling me.
I desperately want him to look up and make eye contact, but he keeps looking down at our joined hands. “You hurt me, Kitten. I don’t hurt for anyone, but you hurt me and you fucking broke me, and I don’t know if I can take a chance on you doing that to me again.”
“I won’t… I promise I won’t,” I blurt out. “I did love you, Cam. I think I’m still in love with you now.”
He nods his head a little bit. “Then I need you to show me, Kitten. I need you to prove it. I need to know that you’re not just using me as a quick fix again.” He finally looks up and meets my gaze. “I can’t run the risk of having you walk away from me again. I need to know for sure that you’re in it for the long haul this time.” I’m nodding as he speaks. I can do that. I can prove all of those things to him. “I have a lot of shit going on right now… And I don’t think you’re ready to even attempt moving on.” My stomach drops again.
“Did you not just hear everything I said to Marley. I’m ready. It’s time. I need to carry on with my life.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t want you toneedto carry on with your life. I want you towantto carry on with your life and I want you towantme in it.” He pauses and looks up at the ceiling. “I don’t want to feel used, Kitten. I won’t be used. I won’t ever let that happen again.” He leans in and kisses my forehead. “We both have a lot going on in our lives. Let’s get back to England and catch up in a couple of weeks, but like I said, I’m not promising anything.”
I nod. There’s not a lot else I can do. I gave up my rights to call the shots where Cam’s concerned the night I fell through Lennon’s front door and straight back into Sean’s arms twelve long years ago. I don’t know what he’s read in my expression, but he lets out a long sigh.
“I want you, Kitten, believe me, I want you so fucking bad, but I just want you to be sure. Take a step back and think about it, because when we’re together, neither of us ever seem to think straight.” He tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. “Take some time to think about why you want to be with me. I don’t want to be just someone to help you through until the next love of your life comes along. I want the next love of your life to beme.” He traces the cupid’s bow of my lips with the pad of his thumb. “I know I’ll never replace him. I know I’ll never be able to give you back what you’ve lost. If I could, I would. Believe me. I really would, but I know that we have something that you didn’t have with him. If everything you had with him was so fucking perfect, then the world wouldn’t crackle whenever we get near each other. I’m not disputing that you loved him, but I am disputing that given the chance, you wouldn’t have felt even more for me.”
“I’ve already admitted that I think I was in love with you.”
“Not good enough, Kitten. I want you to know for sure that youarein love with me. Then and only then will I consider getting more involved. I can’t allow it to be any other way.” He sits forward on the edge of the sofa but turns his head towards me. “Being here with you tonight and not touching you has nearly killed me. I’m aching for ya, Kitten. I wanna kiss ya, lick ya, taste and fuck ya. I wanna bury myself inside ya, feel that tight little cunt of yours throb and pulse around my cock when you come. I want to hear those little noises you make when I flick my tongue over your clit, but I know, if I so much as kiss you, we won’t be making it out of this room for at least a week. And I know, that I will be wanting you by my side and in my bed every morning and every night till the day I die. Until you decide that’s what you want too, I’ve got to keep my hands off you.” My mouth is dry. I want to say so much. I want to promise him that I’m his; that I’ll be his forever; that I’ve done nothingbutthink about what I feel for him for years, especially in the last few weeks. But I don’t think he’s ready to believe me, and if it’s proof that he wants, if he wants me to show him what he means to him, then that’s what I’ll do. I’ll find a way to show him, I’ll find a way to make him understand, that’s the very least I owe him.
Chapter Thirteen
Kitten
