Page 52 of The Story of Me
Anxiety builds in my chest as I think about the claims and the relentless press attention and speculation. Sean’s been dead a year now and I wonder if they will finally leave me alone. I’m not famous. I was married to someone that was; that’s all. I really don’t understand why anyone would be interested in me.
Lennon’s phone rings and it reminds me that mine has been switched off since I got into the back of the car taking me to the airport. Cam started to call me. I ignored him three times before I just switched it off. I turn it back on and it bleeps continuously as it lights up, alerting me to twenty-seven missed calls, nine voicemails and twelve text messages, but attention is taken from them to the conversation Lennon is having on his phone.
“Well your source is wrong.” I turn to look at him.
“No, I can’t confirm that.” His eyes are staring straight ahead and I just know that the call is about me when he turns and looks out the window.
“I’m confirming nothing, Jules.”
“Nope, nothing to say about that either, any more questions?”
“Then please call the office not my mobile. I’m on holiday.” He frowns as he listens to what’s being said on the other end of the line and his eyes suddenly turn and meet mine. “Fuck off, Jules.” He ends the call just as my phone rings. It’s Cam and my heart pounds so hard I can feel it reverberate through the leather seats of the car.
“You gonna get that?” Lennon asks. I shake my head and silence my phone. I look back at Len, who’s staring at me, but through me, and I get this horrible, icy cold sensation run up my spine. “I’m gonna ask you this once and I want you to be honest with me, George. I can’t put this right if you tell me lies.” I nod and I have a horrible feeling I know what’s coming. “Did you spend Saturday night at a hotel with Cameron King?” I want to throw up. The press and the fans are going to crucify me over this and I did nothing wrong, did I?
I nod as Jimmie takes a hold of my hand. I swallow, but my mouth is so dry I almost choke.
“It’s not what you think. Nothing happened. We talked. I bumped into him at a club and we were worried about being photographed together so we went back to my hotel, but we just talked, nothing else, Len. I swear. I wouldn’t have done that, not on Saturday night.” I don’t want to cry, but I can feel tears stinging the backs of my eyes. I try to blink them away and fail. I swipe angrily with the back of my hand and try to control the trembling of my bottom lip. “They’re gonna hate me for this. The whole fucking world is gonna hate me, but I swear to God, we talked and I cried a lot.” Jimmie remains silent but hands me a tissue.
“Why the fuck was he in Australia? Why were you both at the same club? Do you realise how bad this looks? For fuck’s sake, George, I don’t know how I’m gonna make this one go away.” I cry silently as I look down at my lap.
“She went to the opening of the club Jodie’s been working on. She wanted to stay home, but I told her to go. She went with Jackson and Brooke.” Jimmie squeezes my hand tighter as she speaks. I couldn’t love her more in that moment, my beautiful, loyal best friend. She knows me well enough to know there’s every chance I did arrange to meet Cam, that I did spend the anniversary of my husband’s death having wild sex with another man, but without hesitation, she’s got my back and she’s defending me. I’m so lucky to have her in my life. Despite the gravity of my situation, I manage a little smile.
I look back towards Lennon. “It turns out that Cam is majority shareholder in the club that Jodie’s been working on. I couldn’t believe it when I saw him there. We chatted for a while at the club, but we knew there were a lot of press about so we managed to get out of the back doors without being seen, and because I was leaving early the next morning, we went to my hotel. I didn’t want any more to drink. I’d already had too much and Cam was worried about photographers so we just went to my room.” I shrug. “We talked. I cried. We talked some more. I got my plane back to England the next morning and here I am.” Len rakes his hand through his hair. As he lets out a long breath, he shakes his head.
“You don’t make things easy on yourself, do ya, Porge?” I shrug and my bottom lip starts to wobble again.
“Seems to me, don’t matter what I do, someone’s always out to make me look bad. The press are always looking to dig some kind of dirt on me and Sean, and if they can’t find anything, then they’ll just make things up anyway.”
I wipe at my tears again. I’ve not even made it to my mum’s front door and already, everything that I achieved in the past eight weeks has been wiped away. I feel deflated and defeated and on the verge of an anxiety attack. The press are never going to leave me alone. They’re never going to just let me get on with my life. I need to accept that this is it. This is my reality and it’s fucking shit.
* * *
I manage to stop my tears before we pull up outside my parents’ house. Luckily, I have a great suntan, so I don’t need any makeup and I can blame my red eyes on jet lag. Lennon has spent the last fifteen minutes on the phone, talking to I assume, the press and solicitors. Jim uses her key to let us in, and the instant I take a breath in, I know I’m home. Funny how your parents’ house always smells the same, and to me, that smell means home. We tiptoe quietly down the hallway and find Mum, Dad, Ash and Marley all sitting at the kitchen bench top having a cup of tea. I’ve missed my parents. I’ve missed them a lot, but it’s Marley I can’t wait to get a cuddle from.
“Hope there’s biscuits to go with that tea?” My dad throws his head back and laughs, instantly reminding me of Cam. I push the little stab of emotion away from my chest and watch my brother’s reaction. He closes his eyes for a long moment while my mum squeals and cries and jumps down from her stool. I watch as Marley smiles at Ash and quietly says “You knew about this, didn’t ya?” and I can’t help but smile as she nods and he reaches out and takes her hand, kisses it and says, “Thank you.” I get kisses and cuddles from my mum and dad, then Ash.
“Look at ya, you sexy suntanned whorebag. You look like a fucking super model all brown and skinny. I wanna snog the face off ya. I’ve missed ya so much, ya bitch.” She gives me a big wet sloppy kiss. “Do noteverleave us again.”
I shake my head. “I don’t plan to.” Although with all that’s just happened in the car, that’s probably not entirely the truth. I turn and look at my brother. I can see his eyes shining with tears. I shake my head. It’s the sob that’s trying to escape that I’m saying no to, but it doesn’t listen as I step into his waiting arms.
“Little sister Georgia, you’ve made me cry, you cow.” I laugh.
“Big brother Marley, you’ve mademecry, you wanker.”
“Language, Georgia, honestly, I hope you didn’t swear like that in front of Kathy and John.” I turn and look at my mum.
“When was the last time you visited Aus, Mum? Every other word is fuck this and fuck that. They even say shit and wanker on the radio.”
“Well, regardless, I don’t want the rest of the family thinking you wasn’t brought up the right way.” I smile and give my mum a one-armed cuddle; the other is around Marley, who doesn’t seem to want to let me go.
“I’ve missed ya, Mum. I’ve missed all of ya so much. It’s good to be home.”
We all make our way into the front room and drink tea and eat chocolate biscuits and have a general catch up. Len, Ash and Jimmie head off around three to collect their kids from school; before he leaves, Lennon tells me he’s done what he can, but an Australian paper has printed pictures of Cam and I together taken in the club and has run with a story that we left together to go back to my hotel room, from where we didn’t emerge until the next morning. The story then turns into complete bullshit by saying we then flew back to England together on my private jet. The problem I now have is explaining to my parents and my brothers what I was doing with Cam on Saturday night before the story makes the papers over here tomorrow morning.
Bailey arrives just after Lennon leaves and as I have the members of my family who this story is going to piss of the most all together. I decide now is as good a time as any to try and explain it.
My dad and brothers are all drinking bourbon and my mum has poured me and her a wine. I really don’t feel like a drink, but I take a long sip from the glass and instantly feel my head spin. I’ve had no food of any substance since the half a burger I ate Saturday night. If I was still in Australia it would be late Monday night by now, meaning I’ve not eaten for two days. My mum’s in the kitchen clanging about as she unloads the dishwasher so I call her in to sit down.
