Page 70 of The Story of Me
He shakes his head. “She’s never been his bird, George. Don’t believe any of that ranting and raving she was doing earlier.” He turns and looks me. “There’s been no one since you, no one. Tamara’s only ever been a fuckpiece.” I raise my eyebrows at his term. “Don’t look like that. She’s used him as much as he’s used her over the years, so don’t go feeling sorry for her.” I pull my legs underneath me, cover myself with a throw and turn towards him.
“How was she using him?”
He takes in a deep breath and shrugs. “In the early days, she was trying to make it as a model and Cam knew lots of people, mixed in the right circles. He needed a bird for certain events; she needed to be seen in the right places. He wasn’t looking for anything serious and neither was she.” He drains his drink. “Then she started going a bit wonky, got on the gear and things started to change.” I nod as I listen to Benny’s version of what Cam had told me last night. “The thing with Cam, George, is that he’s ruthless in business, but underneath it all, he’s got a good heart. He’s a nice bloke, until you cross him, or fuck with what’s his. You’ve seen it first hand. I don’t need to tell you how he can switch.” He lifts his big body off the sofa and goes and fetches the bottle of bourbon, comes back, sits down and tops up his glass.
“He realised she was in trouble with the gear she was shoving up her nose. She was calling him at all hours, turning up at the club off her tits. She was so skinny. She looked a right sight, so he paid for her rehab and stayed away from her for a few years.” He rubs over his stubbly chin with his big hand. “He’s done nothing but work these last couple of years, George, got all of his businesses mostly legit.”
I smile and raise my eyebrows at Benny. “Mostly legit?”
He winks at me. “Come on, George. This is Cam. He’s got contacts. He needs something doing, he doesn’t always uses legitimate means to get it done. You’re a Layton. You know how it works.”
“Actually, Ben, I had no ideas what my dad did for a living until I met Cam.”
“You’re fuckin’ kiddin’ me?”
I shake my head. “Na, when I was growing up, I just thought my dad earned a lot of money from his car fronts and the building company. I knew we were better off than most coz we had a nice house and niceholidays. I had no idea where the money was coming from and it wasn’t till I was with Cam that the penny dropped and I asked my mum about it.”
He nods. “Well, your dad’s very protective of his family. I s’pose he thought the less you knew the better. Your dad and Cam sort of remind me a bit of each other.”
“Well, that’s a little bit worrying.” We both laugh.
“I mean in the way they go about their business, George. They’re both fair and they look after the people around them, but you mess with them and theirs, then they will fuck you up.” I take a long sip on my wine. I’ve never seen that side of my dad, or my brother for that matter.
“Anyway,” he carries on, “she turns up at the club opening in Ibiza in August. She looks good, healthy. He takes her home that night, and when he gets up in the morning, she’s gone, along with his wallet and his nice new Cartier watch.” He stares down into his glass as if he’s thinking about something. “He’s fucked off, but don’t say too much. Then the next thing we know, she’s claiming that she’s up the duff and the baby’s his.” He bites down on his bottom lip and shakes his head. “I don’t know, George. She’s so adamant that it’s his kid and he’s adamant that there’s no way that it can be. I really don’t think he’d lie. He’s said all along that he’ll step up if the kid’s his.” He lets out a long breath.
“Can I ask you something, Ben, honestly?”
“Knock yourself out, George. Can’t promise I’ll answer though.”
“If I wasn’t in the picture, if I wasn’t around, would he be with her? Would he settle down with Tamara and the baby?” He laughs, a big loud belly laugh. It’s infectious and I smile as I say, “What’s funny? What ya laughing at?”
“You are fuckin’ kiddin me, right?” He raises his eyebrows as he looks at me, his forehead forming lots of lines. “He can’t fuckin’ stand her, George. When she nicked his money, his watch and that, that was it for him; he washed his hands of her, but because of the baby, until he knows for sure, he’ll do what he can.” I don’t want to be relieved at this news, but I sort of am. “In all honesty, George, even if this kid ain’t his, he’ll still do the right thing by her. He’ll end up setting her up somewhere and making sure her and the kid are taken care of. That’s just the type of bloke he is.” He drains his glass again and looks at me for a minute. “He’s never loved anyone the way he loves you, George. You must know that?”
I shake my head. “But I don’t know if he can ever trust me or forgive for what happened before.” He laces his fingers together behind his head and leans back.
“You’re here, ain’t ya? He swore to me he’d never get involved again after what happened all them years ago, and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure that I’m happy that you are here now.” I admire his honesty, but my stomach still lurches and my heart hurts at his words.
“I won’t hurt him, Ben. I promise I won’t hurt him.” I can feel my lips tremble, but I keep going, “If you think I should walk away and leave him and Tamara to sort their shit out, if you think he’ll be happier with her, then I’ll go, Ben. I’ll walk away.” I look down at my empty wine glass. “This time I’ll do the right thing.” I wipe my running nose on the bottom of Cam’s T-shirt and think about how my mother would flip out if she had seen me do that.
Benny lets out a big long huff. “He loves ya, George, like you wouldn’t believe, but what you did before,” he nods as he looks at me, “when you left him before and I came and got ya that time, I thought that was it. I really thought he’d end up topping himself.”
I get up and go to the fridge to top up my wine glass and I mean top it up. I even take a swig as I stand at the fridge and then top it up some more. I have a feeling this story is going to be hard to listen to. Ben waits for me to get comfortable before continuing, “When you left that day, it took us a good hour to try and calm him down. In the end, Robbie asked the doctor to give him something. Then we had him locked in his room for two weeks, just till we were sure he wouldn’t go and get straight on the piss again or the Charlie… Or,” he looks at me for a few seconds, “come looking for you.”
“Me?”
He nods slowly. “He had it in his head that when you were there at the flat that day he was fucked up, that he heard you tell Robbie that you loved him. Cam I mean, he reckons he heard you say that you loved him, but you just hadn’t realised it until then.” Oh, God. I sip my wine and stare down at my glass. “He was convinced if he could just see ya, talk to ya, that you’d come back to him.” He sips his drink. “He wasconvinced that you’d eventually see sense and come walking through the door.” I remember the conversation clearly. I remember the whole day. I think it was the day that I first realised that I might, quite possibly be in love with two men.
“He didn’t imagine it, Ben. I did say it. I did tell Robbie that I loved Cam.”
He raises his eyebrows again, then frowns. “So why did you leave him? Why’d you go back to Maca?”
I know he’ll never understand this, but we’re being honest here so I give it my best shot at explaining. “Because I couldn’tnotbe with Sean. I had to be with him, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t love Cam. I know it doesn’t make sense, Ben, but that’s all I’ve got, and the thing is, even after all these years, even while I was happily married and in love with my husband, I still loved Cam.”
Benny shakes his head. “Fucking women, I don’t know. I can’t fathom you out. You baffle me, the lot of ya.”
I smile. “You married, Ben?”
He shakes his head. “Not any more. I was for a coupla years. Didn’t work out.”
