Page 76 of The Story of Me
“I’m so scared. I love you and I’m so scared. What if we can’t do this? What if we don’t make it? What then? What will I do?” He wraps his big, strong arms around me and pulls me in tightly to his chest. I can hear his heart pounding, big and strong and I just love the sound and the sensation of it against my cheek and my ear.
“Whatever’s brought this on, Kitten? We’ve got this. I’ve told you; we’ve got this, and if you haven’t yet, well, then I’ve got this enough for both of us.” We stand and sway gently from side to side for a few long minutes. Cam kisses my head and my hair. He gently strokes his fingertips up and down my back and gradually I calm myself down. I don’t know where all of that just came from, but I’m so grateful to Cam. He’s here with his strong arms, holding me together as I fall apart once again.
“What happened?” he asks eventually.
I shrug. “Just feeling a bit overwhelmed, I think.” He kisses my temple.
“Don’t be. We’ve got this.” I nod. “Come into the office with me. I want to show you something.” He takes my hand and we walk down the hallway towards the front door, but stop and turn left into a doorway I hadn’t noticed before. It leads to a large, spacious home office, much bigger than the other office. There’s a whole wall of flat screen monitors, which seem to be showing CCTV images from the various clubs Cam owns. The whole room is white: walls, desk, chair, bookcase and sofa, all white. I let go of his hand and head over to the big office chair. I push off with my toes, then pull my knees up to my chest as the chair twirls. I launch myself again and look up at the ceiling as everything spins. When I eventually feel sick and let the chair come to a halt, my eyes land on Cam. He’s wearing a plain white T-shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans; his feet are bare and it’s his bare feet that are suddenly making me squirm. Feet are probably the least sexy part of the body, but looking at his bare feet is just doing something to me. His arms and legs are crossed as he leans against his desk beside me.
“Are you finished?” I nod. “Good.” He moves over to the chair and moves me so he can sit in it, then he pulls me down so I’m sitting between his open legs. He moves the mouse around on the desk and the computer screen comes to life. Houses. He’s been in here looking at houses. “Any of these you fancy taking a closer look at, Kitten?” I turn and look at him,
“Cam…”
He shakes his head. “It’s not up for discussion. We’re buying a house. I bought this place purely for the convenience, but it’s not a home. A home is what me and you are gonna make.” He pulls me so I’m sitting across his lap. “We’re gonna buy one of these and turn it into our home, together.” He kisses me gently on the mouth. “These are all close to your mum and dad. I assumed that’s where you’d want to be, but we can look elsewhere if you prefer?” His eyes look from the screen to my face. I don’t know what to say, how to answer. “I love the fuck out of ya, Kitten. This is happening. I’m not waiting. You need to get your head around that.” He strokes his fingers up and down my arm. “Would you like stables? I know you had horses before.”
I suddenly feel hot and panicky, short of breath and dizzy. This is too much. It’s too much and it’s too soon. I did this with Sean. It was only two years ago that I was moving into a new house with Sean. Cam’s house. Just two years ago, I moved into a house that Cam bought formethat I ended up moving into with my husband. Now my husband’s dead and here I am, looking to buy a new home, start a new life with Cam. My life is a seriously fucked-up mess and it’s all of my own doing.
He gently brushes his knuckles over my cheek as I look up at him. “Stop, Kitten. Stop overthinking and stop panicking. I can feel how hard your heart’s pounding. I know what you’re thinking and you need to stop.” I open my mouth but no words come out.
I’ve experienced so many anxiety attacks this past year and I know that I am right at the beginning of one now. For me they start with a feeling of being too hot. Then my heart rate increases and I can’t speak or catch my breath. Then I get this strange sensation that starts in my toes and travels up my body. It’s sort of like a combination of pins and needles and ice travelling through my veins and that sensation is already starting in my toes now.
“Kitten, I know this is hard, moving on, moving forward. It’s always hard, but we’ve got this. I’ll be right there with you, every step, Kitten, every step of the way.”
A strange noise escapes my chest. It’s sort of a combination of a gasp and a sob and Cam pulls me into him, kissing my head and my hair, stroking my back and my arms.
“Fuck, Kitten, I hate that you’re hurting like this. If I could bring them back for you, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’d gladly take their place so you didn’t have to feel like this.”
I let out a sob and cling to him. I don’t deserve this man. He’s just told me he would die to make me happy. How do I respond to that? I breathe into his chest, and when the feeling disappears from my toes, my breathing has calmed and my ability to speak has returned. I whisper hoarsely, “I’m so lucky, Cam. I’m so lucky to have you. I don’t deserve you, but I’m so grateful and so lucky to have you in my life.”
“Kitten,” he breathes my name with his lips pressed against my head and his hot breath makes my scalp prickle, “don’t say that. Of course you deserve me. We deserve each other.” He lets out a long sigh. “We’ve got here, Kitten. We’ve arrived here, at this point, because of a lot of fucked-up circumstances.” He tilts my face up and leans back so he can look at me better. “It’s not our fault. We didn’t choose to live or for them to die. It’s just the way it’s happened, and I know it hurts and I know it’s hard, but we’ve got each other.” He brushes my tears from my cheek with his thumb. “I’ve had fifteen years to work my way through the grief and the guilt, but this is all still so new and so fresh for you, but I promise, I promise you, it does eventually become more bearable. And on the days when it’s not, and you will have them. However far down the path you are, there are still days where it all comes crashing down and feels like it’s all too much. On those days and every other day, Kitten, I’ll be there for you. Whether you need my shoulder to cry on, my arms around you or you just want me to fuck off and leave you alone, I’ll be there, with you and for you.”
My face is a mess of tears and snot bubbles. I wipe it on my sleeve as best I can and then lean in and kiss him. I kiss him with everything I am and with everything I have.
“I fucking love the fuck out of you, Tiger.” I expect a reprimand, but instead, he just wraps his arms around me tighter and holds me for a while. My breathing and my heart rate settle, all traces of my impending anxiety attack gone.
“My mum has invited you to dinner tonight.” He moves us both in the chair so we can look at each other.
“Me?” he asks with a frown.
“Yeah, you. Why? Is that a problem?” He shrugs slightly.
“What about you? Where will you be?” I can’t help but laugh out loud. He’s worried. My big, bad Tiger thinks I’m sending him to my parents, alone, for dinner.
“I’ll be there too, you div. I promised my mum I would go home today. I’ve not seen her for two months, and as soon as I got home, you turned up and whisked me away. I need to go home and get out of these clothes and I need to unpack my case.” He looks at me while rubbing his fingers up and down my arm and rocking the chair back and forth slightly.
“Move in here.”
“What?”
“Move in here. Until we can find somewhere we want to buy together, move in here. It’s safe and secure. The press will leave you alone and I get to see you every day.” It all makes sense when he says it. It sounds like the most logical thing to do, but in my head, in my head all I can see is that old tumble drier full of socks of my mum’s going around, every sock representing a different thought, feeling and emotion rolling around in my head, chest and belly. “Let’s not waste any more time, Kitten. Let’s just be together.” I smile up at him. He looks tired, his eyes glassy. They remind me of the colour of a beer bottle today; it must be the brightness of the room.
“When did you get so clever?”
He gives me a smile and a shrug. “I’ve always been this clever. You’ve just never paid enough attention.”
I smile back. “You’re probably right.” We look over each other’s faces silently for a few moments.
“Pack a case when we go to your mum’s later and we’ll go and fetch the rest of your stuff tomorrow.”
