Page 99 of The Story of Me
“I grew it for you.” Now I feel even worse. “I know how much you hate it when it’s stubbly, so I thought if I didn’t shave the whole time I was away, it should be past that stage by the time I got home.” I’m about to say thanks for thinking of me when he continues, “Good job I grew it really. Lessened the blow of your right hook and saved my cheek from being clawed through down to the bone by your nails.” I tilt my head back slightly so I can look at him.
“If you didn’t stick your dick in random women’s mouths, none of this would’ve happened.”
He shakes his head at me. “If you hadn’t have jumped into a taxi and performed your usual running away trick instead of staying and listening to what I had to say in Sydney, then I would’ve been sticking my dick in your mouth and not some random woman’s.”
I close my eyes. I don’t want to argue. I’m exhausted. The last thing I want to do is argue with the man I love. The man I’ve missed so much.
“Why’d you go running to him?”
“What?” I don’t know what he’s talking about. I didn’t run to anyone.
“You got Benny to drop you off athisold place. Why’d you go there?” I reach up and touch his face.
“It was the only place I could think of where I could be alone. I didn’t stay though.” I brush my thumb over his split and swollen lip. “As soon as I stepped inside and shut the door behind me, I knew it was wrong. I… It felt disrespectful to both of you. I shouldn’t have gone there. I’m sorry.” He strokes the back of my arm with his fingertips.
“It hurt. When I heard that’s where you’d gone, it hurt.”
I’m an emotional mess tonight and my voice trembles as I try to explain. “I didn’t go there to be closer to him. I don’t have to go there for that. I went there because it was the only place where I thought I might stand a chance of being left alone. Like I said, the press were waiting at our house and I thought they would be waiting here, too.” I shrug slightly. “I always carry the security swipes and keys for the loft on me, so I just thought I would go there, calm down and give myself time to think, but as soon as I stepped inside the front door, I knew it was wrong.” I feel his chest move as he seems to take in a deep breath.
“Benny’s right,” he says and kisses the top of my head.
“About what?” I ask and look back up at him.
“I am a prick. He’s dead. I’m alive, but I still get jealous.” It hurts my heart to hear those words, for more than one reason.
“You don’t need to be jealous, Cam.” He rubs his hand over his beard and shrugs.
“But I am.” I sit up in the middle of the bed and lean across to turn on the lamp, the one on the side that Cam sleeps, not the one I tried to use as a weapon earlier.
Cam sits up and leans his back against the headboard. We have been lying on the bare mattress with no pillows, just the duvet over us.
“Why are you jealous? I love you. You must know that.” His tongue flicks out and over the split in his lip, and despite the sex we’ve just had, my insides are clenching again right now as I watch his tongue in action. “Cam, do you understand? Do you realise what you mean to me?”
He closes his eyes for a few seconds. “But he meant more.”
Blood rushes through my ears making a whooshing sound, and my heart rate accelerates. All caused by the frustration I feel at the inadequacy of my explanation. I’ve spent hours going over this in my own head and I still don’t have an answer, other than I have spent most of my life being in love with two men.
“His name’s Sean, Cam. Please don’t keep saying ‘him’. If you died, would you like me to refer to you like that?”
He shrugs. “Now you’re defending him.”
I raise my eyebrows as I look at him. “Now you’re being childish.”
He nods. “Yeah, I probably am, but I’m also being honest, and that’s just how I feel.” I don’t know how to answer. “You love him,” he states.
“Of course I love him. I’ll always love him, but that doesn’t take away from what I feel for you. If you died, would you want me to just stop loving you?” He raises his eyebrows.
“That’s twice you’ve mentioned me dying in the past five minutes, Kitten.”
Anger starts to bubble in my chest. “I’m just trying to explain how it is. I’ve never lied to you about my feelings for Sean, never, not even when we first met. Where’s all this coming from?”
He rakes his hand through his hair, shrugs, then sighs, “I don’t know, Kitten. Like I said, I’m a prick.”
I straddle his lap and wrap my arms around his neck. “Well, I love you, regardless.” He pulls his knees up and I lean back on them.
“Yeah, but as you clearly demonstrated earlier, you are a complete and utter raving lunatic. What the fuck were you trying to do to the sheets?” God, did I really do all of that? I cover my burning cheeks with the palms of my hands. “You’ve got some serious issues, Kitten. You do realise that, don’t you?” I nod my head.
“I’m so sorry for attacking you. That was wrong. I just… I’m a passionate person. What can I say?” I talk through my hands, which are still covering my face.
