Page 58 of The Story of Me
I open my eyes and look at him. “Will you please stop swearing. You’re giving my arse a headache.”
He stutters for a few seconds, not sure what to come back with. “How can your arse get a headache?”
“Easy, it just has to listen to you keep moaning.”
He shakes his head at me. “I’m gonna order some food. What d’ya fancy?”
“You,” I reply, and I instantly feel his cock twitch underneath me. My insides squirm and I feel my cheeks burn. He closes his eyes and drops his forehead down to rest on mine. “Kitten,” he whispers, “we need to talk before we even think about going there.” I feel a sharp stab of pain in my chest at his rejection. That bitch Karma got me again.
“Okay, well, let’s order food. Then we can talk. Then we can have lots and lots of sex.” He stares at me. He doesn’t smile. He doesn’t do his usual headshake. He just stares. “What are you thinking?” I ask him quietly,
“That I wish things were different.”
My eyes sting with tears and I don’t really know why. I try not to let my bottom lip tremble as I ask, “Different how?”
He shrugs. “The timing always seems to be wrong for us, George.” The words instantly remind me of Dire Straits’ “Romeo and Juliet”. That was mine and Sean’s song. We made it part of our wedding vows. It was a part of us, who we were, and here I am with Cam and he’s just accidently quoted a line from it, and now I’m totally confused about my feelings. A big fat tear plops onto my cheek.
“Is loving each other gonna be enough, d’ya think, Kitten? It wasn’t before.”
I let my tears fall as I try to be as honest with him as possible. “I didn’t know that I loved you before.”
“And what makes you so sure now. How d’ya know you’re not just settling for second best?”
I shake my head. “It’s not like that, Cam, and it’s never been like that. I was so blinkered back then. I’m a different person now.” I watch as he bites down on the inside of his lip.
“I wish I could be sure. If I take a chance and I’m wrong, it’ll kill me, Kitten. It’ll fucking kill me.”
I shake my head and sob as I say to him, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me. I’m yours but you have to let go of the past and accept me with all of my faults.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“Then you have to let me go.”
“I can’t. I’ve tried for over twelve years. I’ve never come close, not even for a day, not since the very first night I set eyes on you.”
“Then what do we do?”
“We fight. We give it everything and we try and make this work.” He’s moved his head back so he can see me.
I nod. “That’s not a problem. You’ve seen me fight; my brothers taught me. You’ve got a gun. With my right hook and your shooting skills, our problems won’t stand a chance.”
“It’s not gonna be easy.”
“Nothing worth fighting for ever is.” My belly gives a loud rumbling sound. “Let’s eat. Then we can talk some more.” I climb out of his lap and curl into the corner of a large red leather sofa. Cam reaches down the side and puts a soft, cream-coloured fur throw over me and gets up.
“Chinese okay?” he calls over his shoulder.
“Oh, yes, please, I’ve missed an English Chinese. I didn’t like the Chinese I had in Australia very much. They didn’t even sell chips or curry sauce.”
He shakes his head as he walks away from me, goes into the kitchen area and starts to rummage through a drawer. I take the opportunity to look around the room. It’s all sleek and modern in shades of red and cream, with the odd splash of black and a bit of chrome. The level that we’re on is completely open plan and consists of a living, dining and kitchen area. There’s a flight of stairs to my left and a huge floor-to-ceiling window in front of me that stretches across one whole side of the apartment. I’d really like to get up and look out at the view, but my legs still feel shaky and I still have adrenalin coursing through me, triggered by our intense little conversation.
This whole situation is giving my emotions whiplash as I crash into guilt, after bouncing off lust, then drown in sorrow. Every time I feel one thing, I’m floored by the way I’m catapulted into feeling another. I need someone to tell me it’s okay. I want someone to go ahead and say to me, “You know what, Georgia, it’s time. Grab this relationship with both hands and be happy. You’ve been through enough. It’s about time you had something good happen in your life,” but I’m not sure that I’m entitled to hear that from anyone. Do I deserve to be happy? Do I deserve to be in love or to be loved? I’m not sure that I do. I want to believe it, but I need to hear it from someone else. I need some time with Ash and Jimmie so they can help me out with this. There’s no doubt about my feelings for Cam. I’m sure of them. It’s more to do with living with myself and the guilt that being with him would bring me that I’m confused about.
I watch him as he walks back towards where I’m sitting, menu in one hand, phone in the other, his eyes on me. Every single cell I’m made from is affected by his presence. He calms me, but he makes my heart race. I want to run far away, but I want to wrap myself around him. He sets my belly on fire and gives myskin goose bumps. He sits down next to me, his outer thigh pressed against mine. He stretches his long legs out and puts them up on the coffee table, crossing them at the ankles.
“What would you like to order?” I feel lightheaded and it has nothing to do with the lack of food in my stomach. When we were together, Cam and I had the best sex. We’ve made slow, beautiful love together and we’ve fucked hard and fast. I don’t think there was ever a time when I didn’t experience multiple orgasms thanks to his expert cock, fingers and tongue, but sitting here, now, fully dressed, with just the outside of our legs touching, I’m actually throbbing. My cheeks are burning both from arousal and embarrassment. I have no idea where it’s come from, but suddenly, I’m on the edge of an orgasm and I have no idea what has brought me to this state.
“Kitten, you okay?” I turn and look at him and saying nothing, I just move and straddle his lap. Raking my hands through his hair, I kiss him hard on the mouth and grind myself against him. He doesn’t kiss me back at first, but as I feel him grow hard through his jeans, I moan into his mouth.
