Page 51 of Saving Ren
“Not even a little bit. Does that matter?”
My head feels like it’s underwater, my chest feels like someone’s sitting on it, and my stomach? My stomach chooses that moment to rumble really loudly.
I wince and turn my head to look at him through just one eye. He’s grinning, and I’m hit with so many thoughts and feelings, my head spins.
“Answer that later. Let me feed you while you think about it.” It’s an order, not a question, but before I can let him do that, I feel I need to clarify something.
“Gabe, total honesty? I’ve been with one man since I was eighteen, I’ve never cheated on him, or even considered an affair, so please don’t think that this,” I again gesture between us, “that me waking up in another man’s bed is normal behaviour for me.”
He reaches out and tucks a wayward strand of hair behind my ear. The gesture should feel nice, really nice. Instead, it makes my stomach churn with nerves.
“Ren, if I thought for one second that waking up with anyone other than your husband was your normal MO, I would’ve fucked you in an alley Friday night and forgotten your name by Saturday morning.”
That comment leaves me wondering if that’s how he usually spends his Friday nights.
Out of nowhere, what was mentally too much, hits me physically. My skin prickles and panic bubbles inside me.
“I’m not ready for this. I need time,” I pant out, my voice creeping higher. “I can’t jump out of a twenty-four-year marriage straight into your bed. I need to talk to my boys; I need to process what’s happened. He hit me. When I was already down on the floor. . .” My legs and hands feel numb, and my breathing doesn’t seem to have any kind of rhythm.
“Twenty-six years we’ve been together, married for twenty-four. We’ve been a team, inseparable. He’s been my world, then out of nowhere, he did this.” I randomly gesture with my hands towards my face and body. “And the worst part is, I don’t know why. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. . .” My breath catches at the pain in my ribs as Gabe pulls me into his lap, wraps his arms around me, and holds me against him. While rocking me like a baby, he lets me cry.
* * *
In the bright winter sunshine,I sit out on Gabe’s balcony and drink my coffee. After I finally stopped crying and pulled myself together, he insisted that I eat, but after a close inspection of the contents of his fridge, he realised there was little in there to create breakfast or any other kind of meal with. He’s now at the supermarket rectifying that.
Gabe’s house is set on a hill above the beach. It sits high enough that the traffic noise from the cars passing along the esplanade doesn’t drown out the sound of the waves, which calm me enough to make the call I’ve been dreading.
With one hand wrapped around my coffee cup, the other presses my phone to my ear while I wait for my husband to pick up.
“Where the fuck are you?” Is how he greets me.
“Doesn’t matter where I am, I just need you to know that I won’t be coming home. I also need. . . no, Iwantyou to stop calling me. There is nothing for us to discuss. All future correspondence should be made through our solicitors. You’ll be hearing from mine sometime next week.”
“Stop talking shit, tell me where you are, and I’ll come pick you up.”
Jay’s voice sounds raspy, the way it does when he hasn’t had enough sleep, for a split second, I worry about him. I put it down to habit, andnotbecause I actually give a fuck about how he’s sleeping.
“Jay, you really need to listen to me, what you did to me Friday night. . . what you’vebeendoing to me for. . .” I’m pulled up short of delivering what I want to say by the tears that are once again threatening to fall. I’ve given this man enough of me, I gave him almost everything, and the very small piece I’ve managed to hold on to will not be spilled in tears that he gets to hear.
“It’s over, Jay. We’re done.”
“You don’t mean that, Lauren. You’re pissed, I get it. Just come home and we’ll talk.”
“I don’t want to talk, Jay, I don’t want. . .”
“For fucks sake, why has it always got to be like this with you? You pitch a bitch fit at the slightest thing, then turn it all around and blame me. Then you wonder why I lose my shit.”
I don’t know why I’m shocked at the way he’s flipped so easily, but I am.
“I’m going now.”
“I’ll fucking find you.”
“You ever come near me again, and I’ll press charges, Jay. The only reason I haven’t done it yet is because of our boys.” An alarm sounds somewhere in the house, and I watch as Gabe’s gate slides open; a few seconds later his black truck turns onto the drive.
“And what exactly do you plan on telling the boys? Ryder knows you’ve not been home all weekend. I called him, looking for you.”
I stand and lean against the balcony as Gabe climbs from his truck looking up at me. Leaning over, I hold my phone against my chest and my finger against my lips hoping he’ll understand I need him to be quiet. I get a chin lift, followed by a quick nod as he pulls a couple of bags from inside the car.
