Page 81 of Saving Ren
“Long story short. She turns up at the place I was living in Elwood, tells me she’s pregnant and that the baby’s mine. I didn’t believe her at first, but she had paperwork. Positive pregnancy test from her doctor, her first ultrasound images with all the dates on, then she invites me to go with her to the next ultrasound.”
“Did you go?”
“Yep. I was fucking clueless, knew nothing about babies or pregnancy, so had this weird idea in my head that I’d just know by looking at the ultrasound whether the baby was mine. Plus, I wanted to get the dates verified. The weird thing is, even though the ultrasound image looked very little like a baby, as soon as I heard her heart beating, saw the image on the monitor, I knew. I just knew she was mine.”
“So, you got married.”
“No, not right away. I moved Lena into the spare room at my place, promised to support her, but told her straight, other than sharing a baby, there would benorelationship between us. There was just nothing there for me, and I wanted her to have more than that. She deserved to be with someone who loved her.”
He pauses again, but I have no questions, so he keeps on going.
“Out of nowhere, when she was about six-months pregnant, Lena tells me she has feelings for me, and if I’m not prepared to fully commit, she’s moving to Perth to be closer to her parents and the rest of her family.”
He stares at me for a long few moments in silence, but I’m not sure if he’s looking at or through me.
“I’ve fucked up a lot in my life, Ren. Done a lot of shit I’m not proud of, but there was no way I was going to fuck up being a parent to my little girl, so I panicked and did what I thought was the right thing. I married Lena a week before Ava was born.
“I didn't love her. I'm not even sure I liked her much, and there was absolutely no physical attraction, on my part at least. This wasn’t a problem while she was pregnant or for the first month after Ava was born, but as time went on and it became apparent thatfor meour marriage was in name only, Lena became more and more pissed off and repeatedly made threats about taking my daughter away from me.
“When Ava was two months old, I came home from work to pick up some drawings that I’d left behind that morning and caught her in bed with a bloke. I’d moved her into my room once Ava was born because it was bigger, I moved to the spare room, and that’s where they were fucking. While my daughter slept in her crib downstairs, Lena fucked some random in the bed I slept in.”
“Why? Although, I s’pose really, nowhere was a good place.”
“I think I fucked with her head. . . I don’t know. She needed some attention. Something she wasn’t getting from me, so she got it where she could.”
“What did you do?”
“I threw the fucker out.”
“Lena?” My voice rises in shock that he would do that.
“No, the bloke. I was pissed off with Lena, though. Not because she was fucking someone else, but that she did it in our house while our daughter was present. At least I was discreet.” My mouth drops open at that comment, but he keeps on talking.
“I felt like the whole thing had been a waste of everyone’s time and energy. I just didn’t get why she wanted to be with me, knowing I didn’t love or find her attractive. So, I moved out and left her in the flat. We eventually talked, came to a joint custody arrangement, and got divorced just over a year later.”
“Soyouwere unfaithful?”
He frowns in confusion, and I wonder if I misheard him. “You said you were discreet. . .”
He drains the contents of his bottle, sets it down, and opens another.
“I wasn’t faithful, no. But I never fucked anyone in the home we shared, and never with anyone she knew.”
My stomach churns, and what feels like acid burns in my chest at his admission. I set my glass down, not wanting any more wine.
“I was twenty-two, twenty-three when Ava was born, and like I said, I was a dick. I’m not proud of how I handled things, Ren, and I’m not making excuses, but I think me and Lena both went about things badly.”
I don’t have a response to what he’s just confessed. My brain feels overloaded with information. Instead, I reach for the towel he set beside me earlier.
“I’m getting cold. I think I’m gonna go in and get showered.”
“Don’t do that, Ren. Don’t walk away after I just spilled my guts.”
Pulling the towel around me, I stand on shaky legs, unsure if it’s the result of my orgasm, the wine, or his confession.
“I need some time, Gabe. You’ve just told me you cheated on your wife, the mother of your child. I need some time to process that.”
“No, I’m not giving you that. I know it was all kinds of fucked up, but that was then, that was my relationship with Lena, this is now, and it’s definitelynotmy relationship with you, or how it will ever be with us.”
