Page 11 of Loving Wild
“You know I’m sorry, right? I’ve never been more sorry for anything in my life.”
My eyes dart over his face as I wonder what exactly he’s sorry for.
Again, he reads me so well.
“I’m sorry that you had to deal with my past yesterday, that I put you in the position I did with Karen McAlister . . .”
“We all have a past, Gabe. What happened between you and Karen, what your step-mum did to you, it’s the past, it can’t be changed. Like you told me before, it’s part of your story, part of what makes you the person you are.”
That earns me a small smile.
“I did say that didn’t I?”
I nod again.
There’s a long moment of silence as we just stare at each other before Gabe closes his eyes.
“He came to our house, Ren. He came to our home, and while I fucked about taking a shower, he kicked the shit out of you. If I hadn’t been drinking, I would’ve been the one who went down to the car . . .”
“And if you’d have gone out and left me here on my own, he probably would’ve broken in. We’re dealing with someone who’s . . . with . . . I don’t know. I don’t know what his problem is, but he’s not the man I married. He’s unrecognisable as the man I spent over twenty-five years of my life with. His hatred for me is out of control. If it wasn’t last night, he’d have gotten me again somewhere, at some time.”
“But he got youhere, atourhome, while I was in the fucking shower.”
“Yeah, he did, and you were, and I hate that, but you know what I hate more?” I pause but don’t give him a chance to answer. “I hate that you left me.” My jaw trembles as I fight the tightness in my chest, the emotion clogging my throat, the tears burning my eyes, and I carry the fuck on.
“You told me you wouldn’t hurt me like he did. You promised you wouldn’t leave me. You said, whatever I wanted, whatever I needed, that’s what I would get from you . . .”
“Ren . . .” He shakes his head as he says my name, but I hold my hand up to silence him.
“All I needed last night was you. Not your words, just your arms around me, just to know you were there, your presence.” Needing another moment to gulp in air, I pause and breathe deeply. “I listened to everything you had to tell me yesterday, you gave me total honesty and all the ugly that went with it, and I listened. It fucking hurt, but for you, I listened to you tell me about your past. I listened, held you, reassured you, and was there, but when I needed the same, you made it all about you.Yourguilt,yourinability to deal like a grown-up, and you left.”
“And I’m so fucking sorry. Tell me what I can do to fix this, and it’s yours, I’ll do it.”
“Total honesty, Gabe, I don’t want to have totellyou. I want you toknow. I want . . .” I trail off because I’m not exactly sure what it is I want from him or how to explain it.
“I’ve spent so long feeling alone like I had no one to turn to, no one to ask for help, and if I have to go back to that, that’s okay, I’ll deal with it. But if you’re gonna be there for me, and all that entails, then I need to know that you’re one hundred per cent all in. That you’re not gonna take off and leave me when shit gets hard to handle. If I give you that trust, I need to know you’ll hold on to it carefully, tightly, and never set it down. I need . . .”
“I thought it was blood,” he states, interrupting me. “I held the back of your head, and it was wet, and I thought it was . . . I thought you were bleeding, and it went through my mind then, what if she bleeds to death? What if she dies, right here in my arms, all because I drank too much to drive and then took a shower? What if you died before . . .?” He makes a sound that’s somewhere between a snort and a laugh before continuing. “I was trying to deal with that, the whole time we waited for the ambulance, while we were at the hospital, then when we came back, I was trying to process all the ways I’d let you down, and then when you told me what he’d done, it wasn’t just about the guilt. It was the anger, Ren.”
Now it’s his jaw that trembles,hisdark blue eyes that shine with tears.
“I just didn’t know what to do with the anger. I didn’t want to start throwing things around and scare you like I did the other day, but I needed to do something, so I left. I got in the car, and I went looking for him. By the time I worked out I wasn’t going to find him, I’d calmed down enough to feel ashamed for leaving you, but I was still too angry to come home.”
“So you got drunk instead,” I interrupt.
“Apparently,” he says with another small smile.
I don’t return his smile, instead, I raise my brows before narrowing my eyes, and glaring at him. He instantly stops smiling, making me want to smile.
I’m fucked, such a pushover for this man.
“I wasn’t expecting you to be here when I got back. I was such a prick, I thought you might have left me.”
“Maybe that’s not a bad idea. Some time apart might . . .”
“No,” he leans in and grabs my hand as he says the word. “No time apart, that’s not what we need. If this has taught me one thing, it’s that I don’t want to lose you.”
His hand goes to his jaw as he’s speaking, and when he stops, he moves it from side to side.
