Page 21 of Loving Wild
Her head tilts to the side on the pillow. She chews on her bottom lip as she looks up at me but doesn’t respond with words.
“Lying here like you have the last couple of days, not talking to me, to Ryder or any of your girls, that’s him winning, Ren. He might be locked up, butyou’redoing this, you’relettinghim win.”
She goes to cover her face with her arm again, but I stop her by holding each of her wrists in my hands at the side of her head. I kiss her forehead, just so she knows that what I’m doing, what I’m saying, it’s coming from a good place.
“I’m here for you, we’reallhere for you, but you’ve gotta let us in, you’ve gotta let us help you through this.”
She stares back at me, her tears now spilling over, and it kills me, it fucking kills me inside to see her like this. I lean in and rest my forehead against hers and attempt to stop the flow with my thumbs.
“He pissed on me,” she chokes out. “Like I was some kind of fucking animal, he pissed on me.”
“He’s the animal, Ren. Not you, him.”
“Who does that? He loved me. I was his world for over twenty-five years, I know I was. It wasn’t a lie; Iknowhe loved me. I grew his sons inside me,ourbabies. We raised them together. How could all of that change so much he’d do something like that to me? I know they said he admitted to having a drinking problem, but he’s been drunk plenty of times in the years we were together, and he’s never done that kind of shit. It doesn’t make sense.”
I gently kiss each of her cheeks as I formulate my answer. I don’t really have one becauseI’veno idea how he could’ve done any of the things he’s done to her, but now that she’s finally opening up to me, I want to keep her talking.
“I don’t know, babe; I really don’t know. I think it’s like Ryder says, he’s possibly having some kind of mental breakdown, and the alcohol has just made it all worse. Hopefully, now he’s admitted there’s a problem and agreed to see a counsellor, he can get the help he needs.”
“I know he’s been remanded now, but what do you think will happen when it goes to court? Will he go to prison for this?”
“That’s what Freddie’s pushing for, but honestly, babe, I just don’t know. He’s a first-time offender. If he makes bail, attends all the meetings he’s agreed to, stays away from us and keeps out of trouble until it goes to court, he might get ten years, he might walk away on a good behaviour bond.”
She closes her eyes and exhales sharply, and I’m not sure which end of the sentencing arc has caused that reaction.
“If they give him ten years, how soon will he get out? Will he get help in prison? What if he comes out worse?”
“Ren, this is why you shouldn’t just keep laying here going over all this shit. You’re gonna make yourself sick. Let’s not worry about the court case or the sentencing until it happens. Today, let’s just get you out of this bed, in the shower, and out of this room.”
“I don’t want any visitors, not yet. I just need today, just today, to get my head straight again,” she says after a while.
“No visitors, I promise.”
She’s silent again as she stares up at the ceiling. I feel the sob roll through her right before her face crumbles.
“I was finally findingmeagain, finding my way back to the person I used to be before he convinced me I was a worthless piece of shit, and now he’s taken it all away. He’s made me feel less than human, and then you . . . the other morning, the way you looked at my bruises . . .” she heaves out her words and almost chokes on her sobs as all I can do is stare down at her in confusion. “You looked disgusted.”
“Ren, no. No fucking way. If I looked disgusted, it was at whathe’d doneto you, it wasn’t . . . I wasn’t disgusted with you or the way you looked. It was at him and what he did. And I didn’t want to hurt you. Your bruises look so fucking sore and tender. Is that what this has all been about? Is that why you pulled away and shut down because you thought I didn’t want you?”
Brushing my thumbs across her cheeks, I hold her head in place and stare into her eyes. “Total honesty, Ren.”
“Yes. No. It was everything. I tried to keep it together, tonotbe a victim, not let him win. But total honesty, Gabe, you leaving on Monday night, and then the way you looked at my bruises the next morning, you really fucked with all of that, and I just lost myself and all the work I’ve done to get back to being me, it went. Just like that, it was gone.”
“Listen to me, I am so sorry. I promise you, I fucking promise we’ll get you back there. Whatever he’s taken, we’ll get it back, but that’s gotta start with you getting your arse out of this bed, into the shower, then helping me with this furniture and setting up Ava’s room so it’s ready for when she gets here tomorrow.”
“Does she know what’s happened?” Her question throws me with its rapid change in direction.
“Ava?”
“Yeah.”
“She knows you were in an abusive relationship; she doesn’t know what happened Monday night. I’ll tell her that once I pick her up tomorrow. I’d rather she knows the truth, plus she’ll ask questions about the security system. I don’t wanna lie to her.”
“Of course not. That’s not what . . .”
“Unless you’d rather I wait, and you explain it to her?” I interrupt, thinking that was where this was going.
She shakes her head. “No, that’s not it. You won’t . . . Please don’t tell her what he did.” Her eyes fill with tears again, and this time I roll to my back, pulling her with me until she’s on top and I can wrap my arms around her.
