Page 52 of Married to Murder
He smiled, squeezing my hand. “Jesus. That’s good to hear, Seth.” He laughed weakly. “I was about to have a stroke waiting to see what you’d say.”
I dropped my head to my chest, feeling terrified. But I also knew that if I didn’t come clean with Tanner, there would always be a little doubt in my heart as to whether he’d love me if he knew the truth. Feeling shaky and weak, I held his gaze, wanting to savor the warmth I saw in his eyes right at this moment. If I told him the truth, that heat could evaporate instantly and be replaced by disgust.
I pulled my gaze from his. “I did a lot of bad shit, Tanner.” I kept my eyes down.
“It’s okay.”
“I was just trying to survive. I didn’t want to… feel things.” I swallowed.
“I understand that.” His thumb brushed over my skin. “I get it.”
I licked my lips. “My parents kicked me out at sixteen.”
“What?” He looked horrified.
“I didn’t know where to go.”
“Shit. Of course not.”
“I slept in the bus station a few nights, but they caught on pretty quick and kicked me out. Then I spent a few nights out on the streets, and that was terrifying.”
“I’ll bet.” He winced. “Did you go back to the bus station?”
“No. I couldn’t. But one night I met a guy who was kind of in the same predicament as me; his parents had kicked him out too. But unlike me, he was able to afford a shitty hotel room.” My heart pounded as I got closer to telling Tanner the truth. “He… he uh… he let guys do stuff to him… for money.”
Tanner squeezed my hand. “Oh, shit, Seth.” He sounded like he was in pain.
“Yeah.” I didn’t dare look at him. “I was desperate. I knew if I stayed out in the open on the streets at night, I was probably going to be murdered.”
He didn’t speak, but his grip tightened.
“I don’t know how to explain why I did what I did, other than I was so scared and I just wanted to survive. I just went with it. I started selling myself, and at least eventually I wasn’t on the streets anymore.”
“Because you were having sex with guys?”
“Yeah.” I swallowed hard. “I was just numb about it all. But it eats at you. I started getting high just so I could go through with what the guys wanted.”
“I’m so sorry.”
My face was hot, but since I’d told him that much, I needed to just say everything. “I started stealing stuff. I don’t know, in my mind no one cared about me, so why the fuck did I have to care about them?” I shook my head. “I’m so embarrassed that I was like that.”
“You’re not like that anymore. It’s the past.”
“Yeah. I wish it would stay the fuck in the past too,” I growled.
He let go of my hand and slid out of the booth. I looked up, thinking maybe he’d heard too much and was leaving, but instead he slid in beside me and wrapped his arms around me. I was so shocked, I held on tight to his waist. I didn’t care that a few patrons were staring at us; it felt too damn good in his arms.
He kissed the side of my head. “You did what you had to do. That’s all. Who the hell knows what we’ll do when we’re faced with our survival? Right?”
I pushed my face into his chest, inhaling his clean scent and feeling my fear ebb slowly away. I’d told him the worst, and he hadn’t rejected me. He hadn’t run from me; he’d come toward me. “I don’t deserve you.”
He pulled back, a dark scowl on his face. “Don’t you ever say that again, do you hear me?” He looked angry. “You deserve way better than me. You’re a great person, Seth. You deserve whatever you want in life.”
My eyes burned as I held his gaze. “I want you.”
He smiled, his eyes filled with affection. “Well, you’re in luck because you already have me, hubby.”
I laughed gruffly, feeling like a bag of cement had been lifted from my chest. The gloomy shadow that had hung over me since meeting Tanner was gone. He knew my horrible secret, but he still looked at me as if he cherished me. I wasn’t sure what I’d done to deserve him, or why he loved me, but I wasn’t going to let go unless he made me.
