Page 74 of Tide and Seek
“You didn’t end them at all,” he rasped.“You just left.”
I winced.“James, I didn’t come in here to talk about us.I… I wanted to talk about the promotion you’re up for, and maybe touch on the fact that you’re drinking too much.”
He shook his head.“I see.Still the same old Maxwell.Still can’t talk about feelings without having to run away.”
“I… I simply don’t see the point of discussing our past relationship.It wasn’t supposed to be anything serious.I never promised you anything, James.”
“No.”His bottom lip quivered.“You didn’t.You were very careful not to make actual promises.But you knew I hoped you’d change your mind.”
“I didn’t know that, not back then.I was tuned out, you know I was.”I exhaled, feeling the weight of it.“Now I get it, James, and I’m sorry I hurt you.But back then, I just didn’t know how to connect with anyone.”
His face darkened.“But that hick taught you how to connect?Is that what I’m hearing?”
“James—”
“Do you know what it’s like, Maxwell?Watching the person you love move on like you never even mattered?”
Heat crawled up my neck and my chest ached at the raw pain in his voice.I resented him calling Royce a “hick,” but I also knew he wasn’t in his right mind.This wasn’t the James I’d known.James had always been calm, deliberate, a man who chose logic over sentiment.The man in front of me now was nothing but roiling emotion.
“I’m really sorry,” I said quietly.The talk was veering off the rails, and I had no idea how to stop it.James thought I didn’t care that I’d hurt him, but he was wrong.I did care.I’d never intended to hurt him.But I hadn’t loved him, and that was just a fact.I’d cared about him, but that hadn’t been what he wanted.That hadn’t been enough, and now he was hurt because I’d fallen in love with someone else.
James stood up abruptly, moving closer to where I sat.“That’s your response to me telling you I love you?You’re sorry?”
I stood too, belatedly realizing that just made me feel trapped in the space between him and the chair.“I don’t know what you want me to say.I can’t help that I fell in love with Royce.I don’t even regret it.”
He winced and said flatly, “And I’m just supposed to suck it up.”
“What else can you do, James?The past is the past.What you need to be focused on is the future.Your career.You can’t let alcohol or...other disappointments derail everything you’ve worked for.”
“Other disappointments?”he slurred.“Is that what you call the fact that I love you but can’t have you?”
“James—” I grimaced.“I do care about you.You were a good friend to me.You stood by my side when other people turned on me.I don’t want you to think that you don’t matter to me.You do matter, but as a friend.”
“A friend.”James laughed harshly.
“That’s all we can be now.You know that.”
“Do I?”James stepped closer, and I could smell the alcohol on his breath.“Why is it you feel guilty, Maxwell?”
“You mean about you?”
“Yeah.If you didn’t lead me on and you did nothing wrong, why are you guilty?”His eyes glittered with resentment.“I think you know you led me on.You gave me just enough to keep me hooked.”
I shook my head.“No.You’re wrong.I didn’t try to… hook you.That wasn’t what I wanted at all.I didn’t know how to be with anyone.”I hesitated.“Maybe I could have been clearer about how I saw things, but it’s too late now.”
Something shifted in his expression, and he moved even closer.“But how could I love you and you not love me back?”He sounded so sincerely confused, it hurt.“Every time we were together, when I looked in your eyes, it seemed like you felt the same things.”
“I didn’t though.Or I wouldn’t have left.”I took a step back, the back of my legs bumping into the chair behind me.“James, I’m with Royce now.I love him.”
He didn’t seem to be listening.He reached for my face, leaning his body against mine.“But it was so good between us—”
“James, don’t—”
But he was already leaning in, trying to kiss me.If he’d been a stranger, I’d have kneed his groin or tried to hurt him to get him to back off.But James wasn’t a stranger, and I didn’t really want to hurt him.I just wanted him to stop making a fool of himself.I jerked my head back and grabbed his wrists, trying to push him away.
“No,” I hissed, attempting to shove him back.“I’m serious, James.This is fucking bullshit.Get off me.”
“I know you care more than you’ll admit,” he growled, putting one big hand loosely around my throat.
