Page 7 of Shame Me
“Nah. I’m good.” With a grin, he added, “I’m a little hot blooded.” It was a black leather jacket kind of like mine, only bigger, and I felt like I was being hugged by warmth as soon as I put it on. I could smell his cologne on it, the scent of sandalwood heavy on the lining, and my body relaxed as the heat it generated insulated me from the frigid air around us. “Let’s just hustle to my car.”
The way he talked, I figured his car would be close by, but we walked an entire block and then another half one before we arrived at a large fenced parking lot. A guy inside a small building guarding the area didn’t even look up from his phone when we walked past. As we made our way down the paved lot past car after car, I was able to identify his vehicle when he pointed his fob and the lights flashed in response.
Because Danny didn’t seem to be any older than twenty-five, if that, I wondered if that brand-new SUV belonged to him or someone else, like a friend or his parents—but I wasn’t about to ask. In Denver, anything was possible. This young man could have been working for a firm of stockbrokers, making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, for all I knew, but there were no signs of who he really was from what little I’d seen. He had no visible tattoos, no piercings, and his hair was short, his facial hair shaved. Was he an undercover rocker or did he just appreciate getting out? After all, music was as good an outlet as a movie as far as I was concerned.
Maybe, though, if we were really going to talk, I’d find out soon enough.
But when he opened the door, it was to the backseat, which should have dispelled any notion I had that we werejustgoing to talk. Sure, it was quiet and private, but we might have been able to chat in the lobby of the music hall. We hadn’t even tried that. Instead, we’d walked well over a block just to get to his car. In retrospect, my naïveté was obvious.
Settled in with me still wearing his jacket, he cozied up to me—but he did keep his hands to himself. “So, Dani, tell me what attracted you to music.”
Maybe wewerejust going to talk.
“Actually, it was my friend Zack who led me down this path. You know—the lead singer of our band? That’s Zack, and this is his brainchild. We’ve been friends since high school, and he taught me how to play drums and encouraged me when I would get frustrated. He’s the one who brought the four of us together and even got us to move to Denver. He books the shows and writes most of the songs.”
It was then that I realized—in spite of the fact that I was really pissed off at my friend at the moment, full of an ugly, deep, burning resentment—part of me was grateful to him for showing me my potential, for getting me out of my dead-end town, for opening my eyes so I could see that I really could do something with my life. Ididhave skills; I was smart enough; I was good enough to excel. More than anyone else, Zack had given that to me, and I would be forever thankful for that. Maybe when I wasn’t so furious with him in the future, I could express those sentiments to him. Right now, though, I couldn’t have had a conversation like that with him. It was hard enough nowadays just to say a civilgood morningto the guy.
“That’s pretty cool, Dani. I never would have known that it wasn’t something you’d been drawn to your whole life.”
“Well, I love hard rock, and that was something Zack and I discovered together, a love of music. He just figured out that he wanted toplaylong before he convinced me that I wanted to do it, too.”
Danny was staring deep into my eyes and, once again, I couldn’t tell what color his were, because there weren’t many lights in the parking lot. Even had there been, they probably couldn’t have illuminated the back seat of his car, but I remembered they were a shade of mahogany, lighter than his hair. As I gazed back, somehow emboldened by the lack of light, I clung to an unusual feeling—I wasn’t overpowered by that usual shyness I’d feel around a guy I felt an inkling of interest in. Somehow, I could sense his intention, not through his eyes, but my gut told me he had romantic intentions toward me, causing little butterflies to swarm in my stomach. Except it wasn’t just my gut—my entire body responded with an overwhelming abundance of chemicals that made me feel excited, enticed, and even desperate. I didn’t know if he actually moved his body closer to me, but it seemed like, all of a sudden, his lips were in front of mine, his nose touching mine, and it was almost as if there were sparks jumping between our bodies, electrifying me, igniting my pilot light—hell, setting me on fire.
I never would have expected that reaction with someone who wasn’t Zack.
So when his tongue brushed up against my lip, it was all I could do to hold myself back. Part of me wanted to grab hold of his t-shirt and not let go, but instead I just opened my mouth in response to him, relishing the taste of his tongue as he kissed me with unbridled passion.
The first thing that hit me was that this was not Zack. Danny didn’t taste like Zack; he didn’t kiss like Zack; he didn’t smell or feel like Zack. But as I wound my hands around his neck and slid my fingers into his hair, I knew I needed this—human contact.Romanticcontact. Something I desired to the depths of my soul, something I’d yearned for longer than I would have guessed. My toes curled as he deepened his kiss, and my body relished every bit of it, but my brain was thinking about something else.
Loving Zack and losing my virginity to him had only done one thing: it had opened my eyes to the fact that I was desperate in my need to be loved and to give that love back to someone. It wasn’t something I would admit out loud, but at least I could be honest with myself. And now, in this stranger’s arms, I recognized that desire and gave into it, believing it couldn’t hurt. If nothing else, giving in to these passions might act like a pressure valve, relieving all the angst and torment that had built up inside me.
Soon, Danny and I were kissing with a fiery intensity that I wouldn’t have thought possible. I could feel my heart thudding in my chest, and all my nerves felt like they were engulfed in flames as he continued to lavish me with kiss after kiss. Soon, his lips brushed against my neck, causing my nipples to tighten inside my bra, making my fingers curl against his scalp. I heard him make a low rumbly sound, and I became acutely aware of his hands on my lower back, touching the flesh underneath not just his jacket but my t-shirt as well.
Was I going to let him do this?
It didn’t take long for me to decide that, yes, I would. I needed this more than I needed my next meal, almost more than I needed my next breath of air. His hands began to make their way up under the back of my shirt. I considered, with what little brain capacity I had left, removing my hands from their anchor in his hair to indulge in touching him, too, but I wondered, in my inexperience, if I was expected to do anything and, if I did, how he would react. Could I just let him take the lead for a while until my instincts kicked in?
Fortunately, he wasn’t moving quickly, so I simply let myself get used to being touched. It was a bit of a foreign feeling, one I hadn’t experienced a whole lot, and while I loved it, my ticklish flesh had to adjust to the sensation. I had to focus on not squirming when his fingers got too close to the skin just above my hip, but conquering that reaction to his stimulus helped me enjoy the way his hands moved over all my back flesh, preparing me for more.
We continued kissing, so much that it felt like the most natural thing on earth to do, and his hands in their roaming eventually reached the bottom of my bra strap. It was then that I first felt a vibration in my back pocket which, seconds later, turned into a ring tone. I debated if I should ignore it and decided I would. Not many people had my number and those who did could wait. As if in response, Danny pulled me closer and kissed at my neck again. This time, I could hear his breath and I knew his heart had to be thudding like mine, as if we were running toward a goalpost off in the distance. His jacket fell off my shoulders but I couldn’t feel the cold anymore, not with his hot body pressed into me.
My phone finally shut up and something inside my brain relaxed.
But then my phone rang again, feeling somehow more insistent than the first time. Of course, I wondered if it was maybe my mom or grandparents. What if something had happened to one of my beloved family members? Danny’s teeth nibbling on my ear and his fingers fiddling with the back of my bra pulled my attention for just a moment as my phone stopped ringing again.
Until it started once more.
I sighed. Any excitement I felt was dampened by worry and wonder, and my shoulders dropped as I removed my hand from his neck to pull my phone out of my back pocket.
“Don’t.”
“I can’t ignore it, Danny.”
His hands stiffened against my back but he stopped kissing me as I held my phone up so I could see the screen. “It’s cool. I understand.”
He didn’t, but I appreciated the sentiment, nonetheless.
Before I focused on the bright screen in the dark car, deep down I hoped it was Zack. Maybe he figured out what was going on or saw me leave with Danny. I would have been thrilled to deal with a jealous Zack, or concerned Zack, or even an angry Zack. In my heart of hearts, I prayed it was him.
