Page 10 of Shame Me
In fact, I was counting on it. Next time, though, I’d go farther.
So even though I was tired when I got out of bed the next morning, I felt happy—satisfied, even—for the first time in a long time. Maybe I couldn’t have Zack, but I could have the next best thing.
After showering, I meandered to the kitchen. I needed a cup or two of coffee before pounding the pavements to look for work again. With the Christmas season in full swing, no one seemed willing to hire someone like me, especially with such a shitty (and spotty) work history. Still, I had to try. I definitely wouldn’t get a job by not looking.
Zack sat at the table with his laptop, typing away. I wasn’t sure what he was doing, but I knew that meant I’d be taking my coffee to my room and nursing it while I blow dried my hair because I still wasn’t speaking to him. I didn’t get far, though, because Zack called me before I walked into the hallway. “Hey, Dani. Got a minute?”
I felt my lips curl downward but I tried to relax them before I turned around. I didn’t want him to know how much I despised him right now. “Sure. What?”
“Braden told me you snuck off last night with a guy you didn’t know.”
Although I started to bristle, I kept my voice calm. “So?”
“So what the hell were you thinking? You didn’t tell anyone before you left. What if the guy was a rapist or kidnapper or some shit? Not knowing where you were or who you were with, anything could have happened to you and we wouldn’t have been able to save you.”
“I don’t need saving, Zack. And I’m not an idiot. He was fine.”
“That’s what women said about Ted Bundy.”
“Who the hell’s Ted Bundy?”
“Are you kidding? You need to do some research. That’s fucking dangerous. I’m not…I’m not saying you can’t have some fun. Just be smart about it.”
The air in my lungs leaked out through my mouth, leaving me with no will to argue. Ultimately, I knew Zack was right, but I was pissed that he was. It wasn’t his business what I did—unless he wanted to claim me for his own, which I could tell by this conversation that he did not. And, knowing that, I didn’t want to take his advice. So, even though I planned to look up this guy Bundy and I would try to be safer, I didn’t want to give Zack the satisfaction of being right. “Whatever.”
“Seriously, Dani.”
“I’m not fucking stupid, Zack.” With that, I made my way to my room. I didn’t stomp or storm but I also didn’t waste time leaving the kitchen. I wanted to send a message to Zack that his advice wasn’t welcome.
I needed to focus on looking for work—but it was hard to concentrate when I’d let Zack’s words get to me. I needed to work onthatas well. But my heart was too wrapped around him to be able to not give a fuck.
A few days later,Braden must have been feeling sorry for me, because he offered to let me use his new laptop to apply for jobs online instead of pounding the pavement or filling out applications on my phone. All the guys had managed to save enough money to get a laptop, and I needed to hold a job long enough to do that too.
In the meantime, Braden said, “It’s faster that way, Dani. And I don’t care if you use it.”
I wasn’t arguing that it would be far easier. Besides, it was too damn cold to walk anywhere and my car was almost out of gas. So I’d made it my goal to look for work constantly and apply for anything I seemed qualified for until I had a job. Using Braden’s computer made it so much faster. It was a great reminder that Braden was a sweet guy.
That Saturday, we had another show, the fourth in a row, and I was tired, but I’d still made sure I got out of bed by ten that morning. By the afternoon, I’d applied for five jobs and found three more I was considering. Zack and Braden left for a while, coming back with a thirty-two inch TV. As evening approached, my neck hurt and my fingers were stiff, but I had to finish one more job application to meet my day’s goal. The guys had the TV hooked up and realized rather quickly that we didn’t have much to watch on it. Zack was not to be deterred, however. “I’m gonna get a Netflix or Hulu subscription but, before then, we can watch some of the free sites on this menu.”
Cy got home from work just as Zack was pulling up a music video. “What time are we leaving for the show?”
“Seven. Our show doesn’t start till ten.”
“Why that late?”
“I didn’t ask. They know their customers better than we do, so we’ll just have to trust ‘em.” I heard a clicking sound coming from the television as Zack perused the menu. “In the meantime, I want to watch some metal chicks to get me warmed up.”
What the hell did that even mean?
I clickedsubmitto send my last application of the evening and then closed the browser window. “Want me to shut down your computer, Braden?”
“Yeah, sure.” But his eyes were glued to the television screen, and he hadn’t even looked toward me. What the hell were they watching? When I got up from the table, I stretched my neck and then made my way into the living room to see what the fuss wasall about. I could hear a commercial but Zack clicked away from it by the time I moved so I could see the TV screen.
But he had clicked to another music video.
It started with a heavy guitar riff and the camera focused on a guy with long brown hair banging his head. Soon the lens’ gaze shifted to a vocalist, a man with equally long hair but a full beard, and he was whipping his head in a circle to the music. So far, it seemed like a typical rock video. Then the scene changed to two women outside, walking down the street, both with a typical rocker chick look: long hair, a tortured look disguised by raccoon eye makeup, black leather and silver jewelry, some tattoos and piercings. As the camera pulled back, though, it was quite pointed in focusing on flesh—the bare midriff as the woman circled her hips, followed by her cleavage and then a finger in her mouth as she gave the camera a fuck me glance.
Cy said, “They don’t make ‘em like they used to.”
