Page 20 of Shame Me
Cy and Zack appeared on both sides of Braden. Zack said, “C’mon.”
“I want to stay.”
“And how will you get home?”
Cy said, “I think she’s fucked up.”
“I amnotfucked up.”
“Yes, you are,” Zack said. “What did you take?”
“Nothing.”
He rolled his eyes. “I’m not leaving you here. Come on.” He placed a hand on my arm to lead me and part of me wanted to pull against him…but something deep inside appreciated that he cared, that he wanted to protect me.
It wasn’t long before we were in the van. I sat in the back next to Cy with Braden and Zack in the front. “I love you guys.” I didn’t even ask myself where that had come from, because the peace and harmony I felt reminded me that these guys were my family.
I was still aroused, though, and wished I could have found Grey. As I rested my head against the back of the seat and closed my eyes, I listened to the guys talking. Cy said, “Probably Ecstasy. It’s club candy.”
“Will she be okay?”
Oh, Zack. So sweet.
“Yeah, she should. She’ll sleep it off.”
Braden said, “I can look it up.”
While their voices seemed to drift away and my brain focused on the beat of the music coming from Zack’s speakers, my pussy reminded me how desperate it was—and I imagined giving myself to all three men in the band. While it was a pleasantthought at the time, my face reddened the next morning as I thought about it, relieved I’d never said it out loud.
But the beast inside was awakened and I wouldn’t be able to hold her back much longer.
CHAPTER 6
Like many dumb teenagers given some freedom, I repeated that situation, more times than I’d care to admit. I started experimenting with different drugs offered at shows, drinking when I could, and having lots of sex.
In fact, I couldn’t remember the guys after a while—not their faces or their names—and I could barely even recall the show. We were garnering lots more attention as winter thawed into spring and spring into summer, enough that Zack proclaimed we had actual fans.
But we never did have someone contact us about a record deal.
That didn’t matter, Zack insisted. We’d make our way regardless.
After one particularly intense show, I hooked up with another guy who got too rough, leaving marks on my neck—not from his mouth but from his hands. But I was too blitzed to care. It wasn’t until the next morning that I began to question my ways.
I overslept, not unusual, but this time my boss told me not to bother coming in. I was fired.
I thought,Fuck it. I didn’t like that job anywaybut realized that job prospects were few and far between. Angry with myself, I got in the shower to wash off last night’s show and, as I patted myself dry, I stared at myself in the mirror. It had only been a few months, but I almost didn’t recognize myself anymore. My face was pale, my eyes red-rimmed, making the dark circles obvious.
I’d make a great corpse.
I’d lost weight too—and had been avoiding my mom and grandparents’ calls. Feeling guilty and ashamed, I went to my room and dressed. Before looking for another job, I’d journal out all my negative feelings and then call my family members. If I couldn’t find work right away, I’d probably have to ask my grandparents for a loan—something I didnotwant to do, because then they’d all just tell me to come home.
Before journaling, I needed coffee. Barefoot and in a light robe, I made my way to the kitchen, surprised to see Braden there. “I thought you’d be at work already,” I said.
“It’s Saturday.”
Jesus. I’d really lost track of time. My former boss didn’t realize it had been a miracle that I’d even remembered I’d been scheduled to work. But Braden didn’t need to know any of the thoughts in my head. “What are you doing up so early?”
At that, he let out a dry chuckle—but there was no humor in it. “Ten o’clock is early?”
