Page 45 of Shame Me
But it was easy enough to do. It was just a matter of thinking about how difficult our journey here had been—living in cockroach central where the shower turned cold after five minutes, laboring at shitty minimum wage jobs that made us feel unappreciated, then gathering our strength several nights a week to play for an audience that might not have been much unlike us.
My thoughts could get even more dark…thinking about how Zack didn’t want me, despite giving me signals sometimes to the contrary. Like today, when he’d seemed appreciative of the stupid getup I was wearing.
Jonathan employed Ian to move us certain ways or show us how to stand and all went well for several minutes. Using thetripod, he took several shots that would likely go on the CD jacket, but the other photos would be used for publicity.
Picking up his handheld again, he said to me, “Dani, I need you to pull your jacket apart more.”
“Why?”
“Show us your curves, baby. You’re gonna be so many teenaged boys’ wet dreams. Let’s give ‘em something to dream about.”
Yuck.Without looking at the guys, I could sense their tension, because they had to know how I would react. But this was a fight I couldn’t back down from. If I acquiesced here and now, what would be next? Undervaluing me also undervalued my band. We didn’t want to sell albums because my boobs were pushed out of a bra. We wanted people buying our music because they loved it. “I think I’m good.”
“Actually, why don’t you lose the jacket? You’ll look great.”
“What?” Now I could feel the fury driving the blood through my veins, and it was all I could do to stop myself from yelling at this pig. “Really? You wantmeto take off my jacket, but the guys can leave theirs on. Am I understanding that right? That’s pretty fucking sexist.”
Jonathan dropped his arms so that his camera was at his side, allowing him to look at me without the lens. “That may be, but that’s not why I’m asking. This is the industry you’re getting into, babe. Sex sells. If you want to be prude, you should be playing Christian rock. Otherwise, you need to realize right now that your sex appeal is just as important—if not more so—than your ability to play an instrument in a band.”
God…every word out of his mouth had been denigrating not just to me but to Once Upon a Riot as a whole—and to women everywhere. Did he get that way because of his time doing this sort of work or had he always been a chauvinistic asshole?
Well, I couldn’t take it anymore and my childish anger exploded out of my mouth. “What the hell wouldyouknow about the industry? You’re working in Denver, not L.A. or—”
His laugh was hollow but his eyes were on fire. “This isn’t the first time I’ve worked with Crushed Velvet Records or other studios, for that matter. I also photograph models frequently and I fly to red carpet events when I freelance for various publications. Why? Because I know what I’m doing. I know what people want to see. In your case, they want to see as much of your body as possible—and they don’t want to see the men’s bodies. Why? Because your audience is mostly male.”
Was that true?
But he continued. “They have a very specific idea in mind for what your band should look like. And it’s odd enough that you’re even in the mix, Dani—so why not give the people what they want? Especially if it’ll sell your album.”
I let his words settle in—and, because of my temporary silence, Jonathan thought he’d won the battle. Zack started to talk when I found my voice again. “I don’t believe that. Not for a second. They’ll hear us first—on the radio, on Spotify, on—”
“YouTube and TikTok where they’ll seeandhear you. And didn’t you get to wear whatever you wanted for the video?”
How did he even know that?
“So I need you to cooperate here.”
Zack said, “Dani—”
But I cut him off, because if he was going to ask me to back down, I’d be angry with him too—and I didn’t want that. “Nope. If cooperating means degrading myself so you can get cheesecake pictures of me, then I’m out. I’m a drummer, not a centerfold model.”
And, with that, I walked toward the exit. Not the dressing room, not across the space where we stood, but out the fucking door to the outside world.
CHAPTER 14
The van, of course, was locked—and it was hot outside, especially in that stupid leather jacket. Still, I wasn’t going to give in, so I leaned against the shady side of the van and took in several deep breaths through my nostrils, assuring myself that I’d done the right thing.
But had I?
A minute later, Zack came out and stood next to me, leaning against the van as well, as if we were just hanging out. Had he been sent to coax me back in?
Just the thought made my jaw clench.
After a bit, he said, “We support you, Dani. We get it.”
“But?”
“I’m gonna sound like a fucking asshole here…but I don’t want this causing problems with the label.”
