Page 49 of Shame Me
“I just need to rinse my mouth out, I think.” After wiping off my chin again with the tissue, I turned on the sink next to the dressing table.
“Do you need extra time or—”
“No. I think I’ll be all right.”
“Listen, kid,” he said as I turned around, dabbing at my chin with a cloth, “you don’t have to be a hero. If you need a few minutes, it’s okay.”
I had a hard time believing I was talking to gruff no-nonsense Mick. For a change, his tone was almost…fatherly. “Thanks, but I really am okay.”
“All right. Then let’s get you on stage for your first show.” Picking up a bottle of water off the table next to the door, he handed it to me, and I said another quickthanksas we walked into the hallway. “We’re gonna head just offstage. The guys are there already.”
As we made our way there, I marveled at how much my opinion of this man had changed in the span of just a few minutes. “You said this show was sold out?” I asked, wanting to break the awkward silence.
“Not just this one. Every single show. But that’s not surprising. Last Five Seconds has always drawn a crowd.” And we were lucky enough to be able to share that crowd for a few weeks. “But don’t let that scare you. You’re gonna be great, kid. Just imagine yourself back in the studio recording.”
“I’ll be fine as soon as I’m behind the drums.”
“Knock ‘em dead.” Rounding a dark corner, Mick opened a plain wooden door and the sound of an excited audience rushed through. That was all it took. Their energy and enthusiasm smoothed out my sour gut and hit me with an electric rush—and I felt almost like someone could plug their phone into me to charge it.
Zack noticed me first, his green eyes on fire, eager to show these people what we were all about. Our merch table—run by an outside company and people we didn’t even know—stocked not just t-shirts and other swag but also CDs. We were hoping people who’d never heard of us before tonight or who had only heard our single would decide to pick it up while they were here. Zack’s eyes told me he already imagined we’d sell out of everything night after night.
Braden looked more like I felt—a little nervous but toughing it out—and Cy had his usual look of brooding reluctance.
Back to his old self, Mick said, “Play like your life depends on it. Don’t embarrass me out there.”
Braden frowned but Zack laughed. “Get outta here, old man. You can’t handle our level of rock.”
“You’ll go on in five. I’ll give the word when it’s time.” Mick disappeared for a couple minutes and I realized the guys and I could talk and no one in the audience would ever hear it, but we were all too wound to do it. As we waited, I realized that maybe part of why I was off my game was because this was the first time we’d ever gotten ready without setting up our instruments ourselves. We’d done sound checks that afternoon, but we hadn’t had to move any of our equipment. That was our road crew’s job.
So this moment was a little surreal.
Holy fucking shit. We were about to become real rock stars. This was the moment we’d been working toward. Evennot onstage, I could feel the energy and excitement from the audience, building, like a car where, as soon as you’re on the highway, you press the pedal to the floor so you can finally be free.
And, when I was behind those drums, Iwasfully free. All the shit we’d gone through—the small audiences at a few of the bars we’d played early on where the crowd was as lively as if we’d been playing in a nursing home; the bullshit misogyny I’d had to deal with at every turn; the label controlling our every move, keeping the purse strings tight—all of that was worth it for this moment.
The minutes ticked by like hours but, finally, Mick came around the corner. “You’re on, guys. Give ‘em a show they’ll never forget.”
Zack gave one short nod, the look in his eyes telling it all.
He was about to meet his long-awaited destiny.
As we walked under the lights to our positions, the guys already had their instruments over their backs, and I realized I’d left my drumsticks back in the dressing room. For just a moment, I panicked, preparing to run offstage to get them, but then I remembered there would be an extra pair at the kit. I just needed to make sure not to damage them or send one flying offstage. I hadn’t had many issues in the past, but I was feeling the pressure.
When I sat at my drum kit, I allowed myself to look in front of me. In a way, this was no different from past shows, with one exception: we’d only been on a stage this big once or twice before. There was more than enough room for the guys to wander without running into each other.
And, no matter where they moved, I’d always be able to see the audience. Unlike the shows we’d played before this night, my drums and I were on a platform. It wasn’t mountainous but it made it a little easier for the audience to see me behind the guys.It was hard making out the audience, though. Under the harsh lights beaming down on us, all I could see was a dark abyss. I couldfeelthem out there, but I could only occasionally see a movement in the blob.
It was probably better that way.
Immediately, I was grateful for Mick again, the guy I’d thought was going to be our nemesis throughout the entire tour. He’d insisted that I have a fan blowing on me throughout the show. “The guys can move all around the stage and cool off that way, but you’re stuck.” Because the lights felt overly warm on the skin on my arms, the fan was a necessity I hadn’t known I needed.
And he’d also told us to buy more amps.Lotsmore. We’d need them.
The crowd was cheering as we took our positions, and I wondered if it was because they knew us from our single or if they were just excited that the show was starting. I was all but giddy.
When Zack looked back at me, I felt like a complete idiot.Iwas the one who had the task of starting us out on the first song, but I’d been absorbing all the newness. Giving him a quick nod, I loosened my death grip on the drumsticks and clicked them together in front of my head—one, two, three, four. Zack’s grin nearly melted my insides, as all the tension, nerves, and anxiety washed away. In that moment, I was witnessing my best friend and my forever unrequited love doing what he’d always known was his fate.
He was becoming a rock god.
