Page 62 of Shame Me
That might have been true—but it was killing him too. “The thing is…you’ll never know for sure what he might have thought about you. Even if he’d thought he didn’t want a son, he would have changed his mind when he met you.”
Zack lifted his head and gazed into my eyes, making the breath rush from my lungs. Reflected in them, I could see everything I had locked away in my heart for years—but that had to have been my imagination. He’d already pushed me away more than once, so it had to be my own wishful thinking.
But when his lips touched mine—when his tongue made its way into my mouth—I wanted to believe it. Even though all I could taste of him was vodka—meaning I knew it was alcohol-fueled—something inside me wanted to hang onto hope.
After he removed his lips, he leaned his forehead against mine so that our eyes were so close, it was almost hard to focus. “What if this is it, Dani?”
Was he talking about us—or something else? “What ifwhatis it?”
“What if we only get this tiny taste of fame—and then that’s it? There are so goddamned many bands that never get past the grind.” And here I was worrying about every nickel and dime—while Zack was putting on a cocky front, inside he was afraid of being a one-hit wonder.
And, right now, he didn’t need me dishing out more doses of reality. So I tapped into my heart, into the dream I’d believed in when Zack had pulled me along—and I gave it right back to him. “No way. All those fans we’ve been playing for…do you think they’ll be happy with just one album from us? They have no idea the shit you’re coming up with.”
I touched his jawline, the soft whiskers tickling the pads of my fingers, long past the point of being rough. When was the last time Zack had shaved? And how the hell had I not seen the earlier signs of his suffering?
When he looked at me, his green eyes seemed clear for the first time in weeks. And I dug deep. “I can’t predict the future or read the minds of any of the people in our audiences.” Thanks to the opacity of our label, we had no idea if the tour was translating into album sales. All we knew was that we weren’t on the Top 100 anything—and we were in the dark otherwise. Once we got back home, we would probably press for more info but, for now, we were detached from any numbers that might reveal our standing.
Zack blinked. “If you could, I’d buy you a crystal ball.”
A soft chuckle tumbled from my mouth but I grew serious again. “I can’t tell you what any of those people think or what your words mean to them…but I can tell you what your friendship has meant to me all these years. Did I ever tell you about Ava…from my perspective?”
At that, he laughed. “Duh. Of course, you did.”
“But…remember when we first met?”
“Anotherduh, Dani. My memory still works fine.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think you know how important it was to me.” I let my hand slide off his cheek, resting it in his lap, and allowed my eyes to look at different parts of his face. “Ava was pretty controlling as a friend. I wasn’t allowed to be my own person. There were literally clothes in my closet she told me I couldn’t wear. She decided what we did all the time and never took my wants into consideration.”
“So why’d you stay friends with her for so long?”
“It was tough growing up in Nopal. I know Dalton’s not exactly a metropolis, but—”
“Yeah, I get it. There’s nothing there.”
Thatwas an exaggeration, but close. “Every single class had all the same kids, so we all knew each other—and I was…on the bottom of the social ladder. I wouldn’t have been able to describe it to you that way back then, but it’s clear to see now. And I think Avachoseme to be her friend because I was easily manipulated.”
“Seriously?”
Shifting my eyes back to him to acknowledge his question, I nodded. “Yeah. I was pretty meek and mild back then…probably because my mom was also looked down upon by the town. I don’t know why. Maybe because of my dad.”
“You never talk about him.”
“I don’t remember a lot about him—just that he yelled at my mom all the time and he left when I was really young. But, anyway, we were like pariahs, and Ava’s parents were super religious, so she was maybe a bit of an outcast in her own way back in Nopal. But she used my insecurity against me. Like when I’d try to push back…there was this time in the seventh grade when she told me not to wear a light green shirt I loved, and she told me it made my arms look fat. I’m pretty sure that was just her way of getting me more under her thumb.”
“Yeah, I guess I could see that about her.”
“So when we went to high school—with lots of kids, not just from Dalton but from all the other small schools around, I saw an opportunity to break free. That’s why I went to Chess Club. It wasn’t just because I liked playing the game but I knew she had no interest and wouldn’t come with me. And I got a double bonus—I met the guy who was going to be a better best friend than I’d ever expected. You accepted me at face value, Zack. You didn’t try to mold me into someone I wasn’t.”
“To be fair, I coerced you into playing drums.”
I smiled. “That was different. You still gave me a choice. If it had been Ava, she would have found a way to manipulate me into it—like telling me not playing drums was part of why I wasn’t popular or some shit.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“No wonder you were so pissed when I dated her.”
