Page 76 of Shame Me
But as I walked into the hallway and headed toward his room, I had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. It wasn’t until I got close that I realized why.
We’d all taken our bags to the bus already and were just waiting for the signal to board.
I kept telling myself it would be okay. Maybe a fan had offered him a line of coke or something—not great, but it wasn’t like it was any worse than his drinking.
As I got close enough to touch the doorknob, though, the feeling grew—because all the other doors on the hallway were wide open. Name of My Killer was onstage performing and we had no need for the rooms anymore, so there was no need to close the door.
He’s just drinking, Dani—and although that wasn’t a good thing, it was at least normal.
So I rapped on the door and then turned the doorknob, swallowing hard. Opening it slowly, I kept waiting for him to say something about waiting because he was changing clothes or something—but he didn’t say a word. Besides, the door had been unlocked.
My stomach felt as if I’d been on a roller coaster and it had just sped from the peak down to the ground, leaving my guts at the top as I threw the door open all the way…and saw what I’d been dreading.
Zack was leaning against the counter—if I could have called it that—his legs pressed into it, his eyes closed, unaware that I was even there. But it was the blonde on her knees in front of him who got most of my attention. His jeans were pulled down mid-thigh, and she had his dick in her mouth, her hands squeezing his ass.
And he came in her mouth as I watched, before I could say a word.
But those words refused to exit my mouth. It wasn’t until Braden said “Dude” that I realized I wasn’t alone. Shaking my head, I turned, unwilling to look at the sight anymore. And, as I headed toward the bus, my vision blurring, I suddenly didn’t care if we left his ass here. It was a ridiculous thought, of course, because they wouldn’t leave the star behind.
We couldn’t really even perform without him.
Before I could get onboard, Mick, standing by the door, asked, “Where’s everyone else?”
I just shook my head, my chin trembling as it forced my lips to stay together. If I opened them now, I had no idea what would pour out of them.
Mick started to leave to fetch them until he registered my distress. I had started to get on the bus but he touched my arm. “What’s wrong?”
I just shook my head and pointed at the door I’d just exited from the venue. If he wanted to know, he’d have to discover it himself.
Most of the roadies were already in their seats and I was glad the lighting in the bus was poor. Keeping my head down, I made my way straight for my seat and settled in, burying my head in the pillow. I still had no intention of sobbing loudly as I might have as a child, but those tears had to come out—otherwise, I’d explode.
A few minutes later, above the sound of the road crew talking, I heard Mick and everyone else getting on board. Even over the hum of the engine, there was no mistaking the sound of their boots. I also felt someone sit next to me, but I tried to be as still as possible, hoping whoever it was might think I’d fallen asleep. My fear was that it was Zack, and I just couldn’t talk to him right now.
And it was. “Dani?”
Finally, I said, “Go away.”
What broke my heart even worse was that he did, no questions asked.
The next morningon the way to Washington, D.C., we stopped for breakfast at yet another McDonald’s. I had grown sick of what the road crew affectionately calledMickey D’s, missing my mother’s cooking. As a kid, I’d complained a lot but now I’d give almost anything to have one of her breakfasts of chicken and waffles or oatmeal with apples, raisins, and cinnamon. More than that, though, I would have loved to have a cup of coffee with her at the small table in the kitchen and ask her advice about men. Although I knew my dad had been heavy with his fists, I wondered if he’d ever offered another blow by sleeping around on her.
She’d never talked about it.
But, more than that, I’d lost my appetite. It wasn’t just McDonald’s and their food that all tasted the same. It was my heart. Fortunately, I hadn’t cried long enough to wake up with puffy eyes or red rims, but my heart was aching. Was this what I’d signed up for when I’d fallen in love with this man? I didn’t see any way past it.
When we started to get off the bus, Zack said my name, but I walked down the aisle as if I hadn’t heard him. And I decided maybe a cup of coffee would do me some good, but I wasn’t going to sit with everyone. Instead, I’d just sit outside, and I didn’t give a shit how cold it was. I didn’t want to be around people.
Fortunately, with my coat, it wasn’t so cold that my teeth would have started to chatter, but I knew it was foolish not being inside. But I didn’t care. I was surrounded by men when what Ireally wanted was a woman to talk to. None of these guys would ever understand what I was feeling right now. That moment of stark aloneness made me realize how much I missed having a female friend. I’d rather be friendless than have one like Ava again, but I knew there had to be good women out there who would be solid allies.
But how the hell would I find one now that I was in this business?
I could see how it might be possible with someone like Kyle Summers, but it wasn’t like I could call her and said, “Hey, could you use another friend?”
A stupid fucking tear fell out of my right eye, but I wasn’t going to swipe it away. I didn’t know if any of my traveling companions were looking outside at me, my breath coming out in small white huffs. I didn’t need them wondering what had made me so upset. It was bad enough that I couldn’t figure out how to plaster on a happy face and pretend everything was okay.
But not much time had passed before Zack appeared, sitting next to me on the concrete step near the sidewalk. “Can we talk?”
I didn’t look at him. I didn’t dare. Because that lone tear would quickly become a flood. All I did was shake my head.
