Page 93 of Shame Me
God, he looked like shit, no doubt the evidence of partying way too hard the night before. He had his hair pulled back in a ponytail and he wore his glasses instead of contacts, probably because his eyes were so red, the contacts would have made them feel worse. But that was just the beginning. The sallow skin on his cheeks seemed thin from losing too much weight and his stubble was several days old, on its way to becoming a beard. How had I not seen how he really appeared the last few weeks?
He was literally killing himself one drink at a time.
“Can we talk?”
My empathy quickly evaporated as the anger rose up my throat like bile. “I don’t have anything I want to say to you.”
“Fine. Then can you listen for a few minutes?”
Braden exited the bathroom as if on cue. So I merely said, “Later.” And, with that, I turned to Braden. “Ready?”
And off we walked, my decision solidified.
We stopped in Rock Springs,Wyoming, to eat an early dinner before making the rest of the trip. Mick had called a burger place earlier that day to make reservations, and, for a good part of the drive, I’d sat next to Braden so we could talk. I’d told him what Zack had asked back in Colorado and let him know I’d be talking with our frontman sometime before the day was over.
If I was going to try a relationship with Braden, I wanted us to be completely honest with each other. He already knew how I felt about Zack, so I thought he should know what was happening.
Zack, Cy, and several of the roadies slept most of the way, probably because they’d partied all night.
When we got off the bus at Rock Springs, I told Zack I’d talk with him before we left. That might have meant we’d eat fast and talk before we boarded, but he had a different idea. As soon as we gave our order to the server, he said to me, “Let’s go outside.”
When I looked at Braden, he nodded and I stood, fully aware that many of the people at our table took note of everything.
Jesus. They all had to know what was going on. Zack and I hadn’t hidden our relationship—even though all those assholes had kept his cheating secret from me—and now Braden and I were obviously a couple. Again, I felt the flames of embarrassment flicking my cheeks, no doubt making them as red as the vinyl covering on the booths we sat in.
But it didn’t matter. I only needed to get this over with and then I could move on.
Putting my jacket back on—because, even though spring was on the way, it was still quite cold outdoors—I followed Zack out of the diner. The parking lot was small and the building had windows all across the front, plus it was still light outdoors. But Zack walked to the side where there were no windows—and, for that, I was relieved, because I didn’t want anyone we were with to see what would no doubt become an uncontrolled shouting match. I’d barely spoken to this man since our breakup, and I wasn’t in a good space to have a calm conversation. At any rate, he seemed sober—or at least lucid.
The dormant volcano was awake and ready to blow.
“So…you and Braden?” The features on his face were contorted into a look of half-anger, half-smugness. How could I ever have loved him?
The venom rushed out of my mouth. “Why do you care?”
“I guess I’m a little surprised that you didn’t waste time. I mean, my bed’s not even cold yet—”
“That’s rich coming from you. Your fucking bed was never cold—and neither was your dressing room, backstage, the bus,and wherever else you thought was a good place to smash a groupie where I wouldn’t catch you.”
I prepared myself for more of the same bullshit he’d served that night in my dressing room after I’d discovered the truth—he’d tell me it was his God-given right to screw as many groupies as was humanly possible or he’d say he never promised to be faithful, so why was I acting like a typical woman?
But, just like that, his face softened. We’d been here before too—the first time he’d cheated on me, where he apologized and promised it wouldn’t happen again. So I steeled myself to not fall victim to his lies again.
The way he spoke, though…there was a tone I’d never heard before, a vulnerability. The man who opened his mouth wasn’t rock star Zack.
He was my best friend.
“You’re right. I fucked this up. I was full of myself, believing my press, drunk all the time, high for half of it, and taking any piece that wanted a taste of me.”
I hadn’t expected him to be this honest—at least, not without fighting through it first. But part of me wondered if this was just his way to weasel out of an honest conversation. “Yeah, you did. And it’s not the first time. I actuallyforgaveyou the first time, but I don’t think you ever thought of me at all. You were just thinking about yourself.”
I was still so angry…but he wasn’t fighting me. He was nodding, taking everything I threw at him, looking down at the asphalt—perhaps in shame.
But when he lifted his eyes, they seemed clearer than they had in a long time. “I’ve lost all control, Dani…and I’m barely holding on—not just drinking, but drugs and sex. It’s like I can’t stop myself.” His eyes took on a watery quality, but I had to be strong.We’d had this conversation before. “And I fucking hate myself for it.”
That, though…that was new.
And he took my hands into his—and I didn’t pull them back. “I love you, Dani Mankin. I always have…but I’ve never been good at showing it.”
