Page 3 of Between Desire and Denial
“I am proud you can be so independent, but I, unfortunately, am not as strong.”
“What are you saying?” I shook my head at him.
“We’ve been working hard. I’ve been up all hours of the night. I needed an assistant. And Veronica was there.”
“Veronica?” I choked out the name. He couldn’t be serious. “She just started in the master’s program, Rufford. And she’s…”
What could I say?She’s so young?I’d been twenty-two once as well. Three years ago, I’d fallen for Rufford like he was God’s gift to man. Maybe even before then. He’d been a professor while I was an undergrad and always praised my knowledge. I was quiet, but he made sure to give me attention. And then after Ijumped from major to major, he did a great job of recruiting me into an online master’s program for journalism.
I’d been so gullible. I flew out wherever he was just to see him, to sleep with him, to give him my everything. He’d been my first and my only.
“She’s what, Olive? She’s brilliant, honestly.” He said the words almost condescendingly, like he was throwing me in the garbage and replacing me with her.
“You told me that once.” Now my voice did shake, and my hands did, too, as I balled them into fists and tried my best to contain my emotions.
“Ah, well. She just has more passion and desire for the project right now. You understand?” He smiled softly and walked up to slide a hand onto my cheek. I didn’t pull away. I couldn’t. I missed his touch so much even when it was to wipe away a lone tear. Then he tapped the flower I still wore in my hair most days. I had a fake plumeria in every color for every outfit. They reminded me of my mother. Of how she’d been proud of me in her last moments, and now I didn’t want him tainting any of that.
I took a step back so I was out of his reach.
“You’ve been so busy. Let’s not fight about it.” Rufford’s voice was comforting, cajoling, and smooth as he broke my heart further. “You weren’t that interested in this topic, and Veronica was.”
“I can’t believe this.” I pushed the glasses on my face up and looked at the dark clouds in the sky, trying my best not to break down fully and start bawling in his arms.
He reached over to straighten those glasses in a soothing gesture. My heart squeezed in pain. I wore the glasses not because I couldn’t see but specifically because he told me they made me look more studious. “I love these on you. Can we just focus on that, baby? How good you look and how I missed you?”
I ripped the glasses off instead and put them in my purse. I leaned against the brick wall of the building to look up at him. “I want that. I really do. But I have to know, Rufford. I need you to say it. Tell me you aren’t doing anything with her.”
My mind still desperately grappled with the idea even though I knew the truth. I’d rooted so much in our future and now it felt like I was free falling. He’d told me so many times he loved me. But now I simply felt like another notch on his bedpost.
“Does it matter, sweet girl? You always want me. I’ll take care of you first, okay? You know you need it. Let’s talk about this later. Come on.” He kneaded my hips with his thumbs and kissed my neck. “I adore you and only—” He stopped himself, probably realizing I’d heard him say exactly the same phrase to her. Suddenly, my body revolted at his touch as I heard those words. Rather than love, I felt disgust.
I shoved him back hard, and he stumbled and swore. “How manystudentshave you said that to?”
I emphasized the word, and he curled his lip. “You’re all women, Ms. Monroe. You all have come to me. They all have been consensual relationships.”
“Or we were all just barely adults and you coerced us into loving you,” I threw back without even thinking about it. I gasped as the words left my mouth, and then a sob rattled out of my body.
I’d been duped.
I felt his fear suddenly as he stood there staring at me, and I knew I was onto something. Any other time, I would have concentrated harder, dug deeper, pushed further. I was studying to be a journalist, after all.
Right now, though, my heart was breaking.
I quietly watched as his face contorted with different emotions and then I saw how his brow dipped and his lipspursed. I knew this look. He was going to slather on the guilt now. “You’d accuse me of such a thing?”
“Rufford, you’d never let another person work on your life’s research if it weren’t someone you’re close to. So, she’s either brilliant or you’re fucking her.”
“Yes, well… begs the question of what you are then, hm, love? You think you’re brilliant? Or am I just fucking you?” His tone had changed. There was no love anymore, just the vitriol he was spewing. “I mean, come on. You wanted attention, didn’t have many friends because you were spiraling in so many directions after mommy died and daddy wasn’t around. Why wouldn’t I take my chances on you even if you weren’t the brightest?”
I glanced at the watch he’d let me wear. I knew how much he loved it, so I unclipped it then.
He nodded. “Yes, it’s best we part ways, I guess. You’ll still have to work on a new thesis, or you can drop my class and reapply for another research topic in the fall.”
Reapply? That research had taken us over a year. I felt the panic rising in me; the resentment at him still trying to control me. He must have thought it would work, that I belonged to him in some way. “I’m so sorry, Rufford.”
“It’s okay, Olive. We’ll get through this.” He reached out like the delusional man he was. He truly believed I was going to simply give him back that expensive one-of-a-kind Rolex like he hadn’t just shattered my heart.
Instead, I dropped it on the ground in front of him and stomped my stiletto heel into it.
