Page 67 of Deep Down
“Craig?” Craig paused and glanced over his shoulder, seeing Alex standing next to the table, staring at him. Craig watched as Alex’s shoulders fell. “Take care of yourself.”
Craig nodded as he was taken back to the last time Alex had said those words, so many months ago, when Craig announced the meetings with Alex would end. Alex was concerned about him, but he had a new life now and didn’t need Craig getting in the way of it.
Smiling in acknowledgement, Craig waved and continued on his way.
As soon as he entered the empty lift, he sagged against the wall and covered his face with his empty hand. What was his problem? He hadn’t wanted a relationship with Alex anyway, so why was he annoyed Alex had found someone else? Was he doing the “I don’t want you, but no one else can have you” thing?
Craig twisted to the side, resting against the wall. He exhaled roughly. He needed to start a new chapter in his life. One where Alex was not featured in any way, shape or form.
Knocking on Amanda’s door, he entered. Before he sat, she was already leaning towards him.
“What’s happened?”
Craig huffed, resting his elbows on his knees and spreading the fingers of both hands across his mouth while he gathered his words. “Alex has a boyfriend.”
Amanda’s poker face was epic. “You saw Alex?”
Craig nodded. “Just now. I went to the restaurant to get a te—no, I went to the restaurant, using getting a tea as an excuse to see if Alex was there. I wasn’t expecting him to be. Then when I saw him, I couldn’t help but walk over and talk to him. He seemed forlorn before he saw I was there.” Craig chuckled. “He was shocked to see me. You should’ve seen his face.”
“What happened?”
“We got talking, general stuff. I asked what he’d been doing. He mentioned going out before telling me about his boyfriend.” He shook his head. “Not sure what I was thinking. Of course, he wouldn’t wait for me.” He rested back against the sofa.
“You wanted Alex to wait for you to be ready.” Amanda made the statement as if it was common knowledge.
“Apparently.” Craig sighed and stared up at the ceiling. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for a relationship, so why am I…annoyed? Jealous? Pissed off? I should be happy that Alex is happy.”
“Beneath all these feelings, I think you are happy for Alex. You need to concentrate on yourself for a while longer. You have every right to feel whatever way you feel.”
“It’s all my fault. If I hadn’t said that I needed to step back…”
“It is no one’s fault, Craig. You needed to do what was best for you at the time. Alex will do what he needs to do. You can’t control the universe. No matter how much you want to.” Amanda leaned forward again. “Remember how far you have come, Craig. Think of what you were like when you first arrived at my door. Contemplate who you are now. You’ve achieved plenty in such a short amount of time. Don’t belittle that.”
Craig was quiet while a question formed, one he hadn’t wanted to ask before. “Have I been latching onto Alex?”
“Do you think you have?”
Craig pondered his answer. “It’s difficult. When I didn’t see him, I missed him, missed our meetings.”
“Have you been out? Socially, I mean?”
Craig shook his head.
“It would be good to go out. See if you can figure out an answer to your question.”
Hustling back to his car after his session, he was glad he didn’t bump into anyone. Having made a decision, he directed his vehicle home. He packed a bag of clothes, snatched his laptop and work things and threw them in the car. Starting the engine again, he drove off, the radio drowning out his thoughts.
Pulling up at his parents’ house, he stared. Here was the place which poured serenity into his body. Every time he came here, he was able to decipher his problems and sometimes work through them. After putting up with his mother fussing over him for several hours, he relaxed on his childhood bed, staring at the painted stars on his ceiling. His whole body was relaxed, although his brain was fired up.
Craig considered what Amanda had said. He had come far since his first visit to her. In his work, he was confident and doing well. With his family, he had reconnected and spent more time than ever with them, getting to know them again. He needed to be “fixed” now. His instincts were off, or at least he couldn’t trust them. He wasn’t confident about meeting new people, except when it came to work. He hated that Darren had taken his social skills away from him without Craig’s knowledge.
Craig’s jaw clenched. Why had Darren done this to him? Craig could see now it was nothing to do with love, at least not his own sense of love. Darren’s interpretation of love might be different, but it was not acceptable to Craig any longer.
Craig’s pulse increased, his heart pounding, muscles tense.
“Why?” Craig swung his legs off the bed and sat upright, fists clenched against his thighs. How did Craig not see what was happening? Why did he put up with it? Make excuses? Why was he letting Darren affect his life, even now?
Craig stood, grabbing the lamp off his bedside table and throwing it across the room. He stormed across to his chest of drawers, swiping everything off the top before he twisted and sank to the floor in front of it.
