Page 18 of Need Him
He finished his cold coffee, staring out of the window while he tried to collate the questions he would have for Gareth when they finally met to talk about the elephant in the room. When he’d woken early that morning, he’d set himself up in bed with his laptop and researched Daddies. He hadn’t been sure what he’d find, but there had been a few websites and blogs that had been full of information. The little side of things sounded like heaven—not being in charge for a while—but he knew he wouldn’t be able to do that. It would be too difficult for him to let go of his independent, perfectionist tendencies. Any of the others, though, were fair game, and Gareth had spoken the truth when he’d said everyone was different. There would be no right or wrong way of doing things. He liked the freedom of that.
He rinsed his mug and put it in the dishwasher, yearning for his strawberry milkshake. Making short work of the stairs, he closed himself in his office, made a shake and leaned back in his chair as he drank it.
He had stifled his laughter at what some boys had got up to on the blog he’d read. They were purposefully naughty so their Daddy would give them attention—one of them admitted it. He chuckled at the idea. What kind of punishments were they getting? Did they enjoy them? Ben frowned. Wouldn’t that defeat the object of them being punishments if the boys liked them? A question for Gareth. Undoubtedly, he would have a lot of questions for him.
The following twenty-four hours flew by, and Ben wished he could’ve delayed the dinner indefinitely, but his parents had insisted, and as always, Ben caved.
As he knotted his bow tie, he stared at himself in the mirror. His outward appearance hadn’t changed, but he was different. He’d spent far too many hours researching and making a list of his questions for when he next saw Gareth, and there was little that interested him besides that topic. He would struggle to socialise with whoever was joining them for dinner that evening. His mother had told him, but he couldn’t remember.
Ben closed his eyes and imagined a box. He opened the lid, shoved everything Gareth and Daddy related inside it and locked it. The hassle he’d get from not being “present” at the party would be worse than ignoring his newly found knowledge for a few hours.
“Benjamin, our guests will arrive soon. Come on downstairs now,” his father said, knocking briskly on his door as if Ben wasn’t aware of his voice.
“Yes, Father.”
He stared at his reflection for one more minute and sighed, brushing a hand down his front. “Here goes nothing,” he murmured.
He was right in many ways, and despite locking away those new memories, the one showing him exactly what he was doing for his parents wouldn’t quit. Every time his mother introduced him to another person at a company that would benefit his parents’ goals, it sank the knife deeper. Every time his father clapped him on the back and voiced his pride at what Ben had accomplished, it fell flatter. Every time Ben spoke or smiled or shook hands or nodded, his carefully locked box cracked further.
Finally, he made his excuse for needing the bathroom and climbed the stairs to his bedroom and en-suite. He refused to use the facilities downstairs—he’d made that mistake once, and his mother had ambushed him when he’d exited. This way, it would give him some quiet before he rejoined the chaos.
He locked the door to his bathroom and sank onto the closed toilet seat. His fingers linked in his lap, and he stared at the floor.
What did it matter what job he had? What did it matter as long as he had money coming in to pay the bills? How could he get himself out of this hole his parents had dug for him?
You could afford to rent somewhere.
Gareth’s words came back to him in a rush, and his heart sped up. He could do it. Even if he couldn’t bring himself to stop attending these dinner parties, he could move out. It would give him somewhere just for him. Somewhere to sit and figure out whathewanted. A renewed sense of urgency filled him, and he pulled out his phone, searching for properties to rent. He didn’t need anything big—there was only one of him, after all.
Despite the time of night, he was able to book through the online system to view some properties in two days. They were one- or two-bedroom apartments, which would suit him perfectly. He would visit them and see which suited him best.
He cursed when he saw the time. He’d been in the bathroom for half an hour. Shrugging, he left the room and went back to the guests—he could always pretend he’d eaten something that didn’t agree with him if anyone asked. Or maybe saying he’d received a phone call might be better. Withholding a grin, he thought Gareth might appreciate the first version more.
“Sweetheart! I’d been wondering where you’d snuck off to. Have I introduced you to Nate?” She leaned closer and lowered her voice, but not as much as Ben wished she had. “He’s gay.”
Ben sighed but smiled. Another set-up. How quaint. He held out his hand to the older man, who had streaks of white at his temples, making him look older than his face alone advertised. “Nice to meet you, Nate.”
“And you, too, Ben. Your mother has told me a lot about you.” Nate’s voice was calm with an edge of humour, which Ben appreciated, but the idea that this was someone his parents approved of sank like a stone in his stomach.
He smiled. “I’m sure she has. Whereas I’ve not had the pleasure.” He bit back his sigh. Nothing new here.
The night continued in the same vein, and although he was “allowed” to carry a glass of whiskey around with him, his parents had always forbidden him to drink it because they didn’t want him getting drunk around the guests. As if he would. As one guest, the owner of a five-star restaurant, drivelled on about something related to the best accounting software, he reconsidered his stance on listening to his parents’ rules. He was bloody forty-one years old.
At that thought, he swallowed the entire glass in one gulp, wincing when it burnt his throat. He drank alcohol, just not very often, and he wouldn’t have any more to drink that night because hewouldget drunk, but he needed something to take the edge off this never-ending night.
Five hours after the party started, they permitted Ben to leave, and he did without a backwards glance. The first thing he did was lock his bedroom door and jump into the shower. The parties always made him feel unclean like he was masquerading as someone he wasn’t, but that night, he felt it more keenly than ever. He scrubbed until his skin bloomed a dark shade of red, towelled off and slid on some pyjamas. Even though the air was warm, he couldn’t bring himself to be naked in bed when his parents were in the house. He could never tell when they would expect him to get up, and it made things easier for him if he was at least partially dressed.
Grabbing his laptop, he settled into bed and powered it on. He needed to research more before he spoke with Gareth the following day, and Ben had a tingling in his stomach that made him giddy. He was excited about something for the first time in a long time.
****
The next day at work was a nightmare of epic proportions. A delivery had not arrived because the lorry had broken down, meaning the store was short of stock on some popular items. Two staff members had to be sent home because of illness. Ben had attended three meetings, and a customer had knocked over a tower of cuddly toys, sending them sprawling across several aisles and checkout desks.
Ben was short-tempered and ready to kill if something else went wrong. Even Lindsay was keeping her distance. She barely said goodbye when she left at five-thirty that afternoon. He focused on the paperwork, trying to ignore everything else, but he couldn’t. He debated leaving and speaking with Gareth another day, but something kept him in his seat until there was a knock on his door.
“Come in,” he said, leaning back in his chair.
His heart gave a hard beat when Gareth opened the door, but the man’s smile sent a wave of electricity through his body. Not the good kind. He twisted the pen in his hand, rolling it around and around, faster and faster.
