Page 75 of The Magic of Eternity
Kai’s hand flew out to keep me from standing. “They’re fine, Cub. Still sleeping. Let me wash you, hmm?” He reached over and pulled the plug, and the water began rapidly decreasing. I shivered, goosebumps making themselves present over every inch of my skin. Replacing the plug, Kai turned the water on to a nice warm temperature, before grabbing a washcloth and some of my fancy coconut and vanilla body wash.
As I hugged my knees, he began gently washing me, starting at my shoulders and moving around to my back. Once he was satisfied, he motioned for me to lift my leg. He was being so quiet and attentive. I wiped my face quickly, hoping he hadn’t seen me crying. What did I have to cry about? Nothing. I gritted my teeth as I mentally battered myself for being ungrateful.
Kai picked up a cup and began wetting my hair. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes. If they were closed, they couldn’t fucking betray me.
“Cub, I’m worried,” he whispered. The snap of the shampoo bottle was loud in the small bathroom, but I kept my eyes shut.
“Why?”
He sighed. Not in annoyance, more like exasperation. “You’re depressed, Sprout. I’ve never seen you like this. I know that some sadness is normal after giving birth, but I think this is more extreme than the normal “baby blues.”
“Depressed?” I brought my brows together as he worked the shampoo through my filthy hair. “I’m not depressed, Kai. I’m just sleepy. It’s been a lot lately, you know?”
“It has been. Which just adds to everything else. You’ve been through so much over the past several months. We all have, and we’re definitely not feeling like ourselves yet... and we didn’t even go through pregnancy and birth.”
His words made sense. They resonated, and were logical. On some level, I knew that. The problem was, my brain was telling me that by not being able to handle it, I was weak. That I didn’t deserve the babies I’d been blessed with by the stars. Why would they ever show me favor again, if I couldn’t even find it in myself to be happy at such a joyful time?
“I’m... I think I just need to get like three hours of uninterrupted sleep and then I’ll be back to normal.”
“Sprout. We have all been trying to make sure you get more than three hours of sleep. Nobody is normal with three hours of sleep. Now, I know we need to be reasonable since you’re nursing, but you literally have six men who are desperate to help you in any way we can. Please don’t shut us out. Not now. Tilt your head back.”
I did as he asked, and he began rinsing the shampoo from my hair. “Is that what you think I’m doing? Shutting you out?” I whispered, scared to hear the answer.
“Aren’t you?”
“No! I mean... No. I just... if the girls aren’t near me, how will I be able to see their chests rising and falling? Sometimes I need to be able to see that. If they’re not with me, I can’t and if I can’t see that then they might not be safe, Kai. I can’t...”
The door creaked, and I opened my eyes to see Cam walk in, his eyes surveying the scene. He lifted them to mine and looked directly into my damn soul. Oh no. Kai was working conditioner through my tangles, and I felt my bottom lip wobble. I was going to lose it. How did Cam get me to drop my barriers every damn time?
“Baby,” he rumbled, his voice deep and soothing. Too soothing. He lowered his large body to the floor and took my hands in his. Kai stood and turned to the vanity, looking for my comb. “Whatever’s going on, we can get through it. The way you’re feeling? It’s not permanent. But we”—he gestured between the three of us—“we are forever.”
Oh hell. A sob barreled out of me with so much force, it felt like I was having an exorcism. “This... isn’t… me!” I gasped between huge, choking breaths. My entire body was shaking. Every emotion, every fear, it was coming out now.Oh my gods.I couldn’t breathe.
Hands were on me, lifting me out of the water, and a soft towel was wrapped around my body as Cam pulled me onto his lap. Kai scooted up on my other side, tossing his legs over Cam’s thighs so the two of them were completely surrounding me. I cried, and cried.
“Oh, baby… This is killing me,” Cam murmured. “I want to make it better. Tell me how to make it better.”
“I don’t know!” I shouted against his chest. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”
Kai whimpered as he ran his hands down my back. “Breathe, Cub. Just breathe.”
“I’m just so tired and scared,” I whispered, feeling my body deflating.
Cam stiffened. “What are you scared of?”
I laughed without humor. “What aren’t I afraid of? I have two gorgeous newborns who are perfect. I love them so much it hurts to look at them sometimes. I’ve nearly lost each of you to death or kidnapping, or something, over the course of our relationship. That broke me every time. I try to sleep and every time I close my eyes, I think I hear a noise—someone coming to steal my babies. Or if I don’t hear noise, I think they’re not breathing. I. Can’t. Sleep. If I sleep, something could happen.”
I glanced between my two mates, their expressions a mixture of pain and shock. It was all coming out now and I couldn’t stop.
“I didn’t get to adjust to any of this. I always wanted children, but I thought it would be in the future. I don’t regret anything, but it all happened so fast! Every time I had a moment to wrap my head around things, something new would happen. I was in a coma for a month! Most women get nine months to be pregnant; I feel like I had three damn days. None of which I got to spend focused on the girls because I was so worried and stressed, wondering if I did survive, was I going to be a single mother? You all could’ve died!”
There wasn’t enough air. I couldn’t breathe. My eyes widened as my chest tightened up tighter than a fist.
“Baby, breathe. Breathe for me. We’re here, we’re safe. You’re safe.”
“In and out, in and out, Sprout. Feel your chest expanding, you’re breathing. You’re okay. We’ve got you.”
They held me while I cried, my pain finally breaking free. Everything I’d bottled up since I met them, all of the stress and huge life-changing events, things I’d never had time to process because we were trying to make it out of everything alive… I was finally cracking. When I eventually spoke, my voice cracked, too.
