Page 38 of Demons In My Head: Exposing the Exiled
"When?" I finally managed to ask, my voice barely above a whisper. "How?"
Hunter's good hand trembled as he ran it through his tight curls, a gesture so familiar it made my heart ache. Despite his injuries, despite the blood still drying on his face, his eyes were alive with a mix of joy and pain I'd never seen before.
He swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing. "When I saw him, Palmer, I couldn't believe it was really him. After all this time…" Hunter's face hardened, his jaw clenching. His eyes met mine, and I saw years of friendship, trust, and shared pain reflected in them. "The things Cam told me about Montague, the place we called home, about what Asrael's been doing... Palmer, everything we thought we knew is wrong."
“I know.”
“What? What do you mean youknow?”
“It’s a long story, but I recently learned a lot about Asrael. He killed my parents.” The words hurt to speak aloud, but there wasn’t a doubt in my mind anymore.
Hunter looped his arm through mine as he released a deep sigh of relief, and I shot him a questioning look. “He killed my moms, too. I’m just relieved I didn’t have to be the one to tell you the truth.”
It was my turn to feel relieved that I was spared from being the messenger of such horrible facts. “Same.” I readjusted myself, uncomfortable with the amount of emotion that was trying to assault me. I forced a sad smile. "I always knew we were fucked up."
"Don't do that," he said. "You don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt. Not with me. Never with me."
I shook my head, my eyes stinging. I didn't have time for this shit. "I can't—"
"You can."
Hunter removed his arm from mine and pulled me close against him, and the second my cheek pressed against his chest, I fucking lost it.
I cried for what I'd lost—for the betrayal and the pain. I cried for my best friend and his brother, for every single kid who had a story exactly like ours. The part that hurt the most is the part that made me angry all over again. Not only had Asrael taken my parents, but he had the audacity to step into my life and act like a father. I'd loved him, admired him.
Everything I did during my training there was to gain his approval. I pushed myself to be the best. His words of praise were all I ever sought.
I lifted my head from Hunter's chest, my face wet with tears I couldn't seem to stop. My hands shook as I wiped at my cheeks, frustrated by this display of weakness. I wasn't supposed to break down. I was Palmer-fucking-Vale, and I didn't do emotional breakdowns.
"I hate this," I whispered, my throat raw. "I hate feeling like this."
Hunter's good arm stayed wrapped around me, a steady presence that both comforted and terrified me. "Like what?"
"Like everything is spinning out of control." The words tumbled out before I could stop them. "Like every time I thinkI've got a handle on one betrayal, another smacks me in the face. And the worst part?" I let out a bitter laugh. "The absolute worst part is that I still remember how it felt when he'd tell me he was proud of me."
My chest felt too tight, like someone had wrapped steel bands around my ribs and was slowly squeezing. Usually, I'd push these feelings down, lock them away in that cold, dark place where I kept all my inconvenient emotions. But tonight? Tonight, that vault was broken, spilling everything out at once.
"He used to call me his little warrior," I continued, the memory burning like acid in my throat. "Would pat my head after training sessions and tell me I was special. That I had potential." My fist clenched against Hunter's shirt. "And I ate that shit up like a starving dog being thrown scraps."
"Palmer—"
"No," I cut him off, pushing away from his chest to stand. My legs were unsteady, but I needed to move. "I need to say this. I've never... I can't..." I ran my hands through my hair, pulling at the strands in frustration. "Fuck!"
Through our bond, I felt Jasper's concern spike again. He wanted to come up, to comfort me, but he held back. He understood this was something I needed to work through.
"He killed my parents," I said again, but this time the words carried all the weight of my rage. "He murdered them, and then he had the fucking audacity to raise me like I was his own. To make me love him, trust him, want his approval more than anything." My voice cracked. "Who does that? What kind of monster..."
The lamp on my side table exploded, making us both jump. My magic was leaking out, responding to emotions I couldn't contain anymore.
"And you know what the really fucked up part is?" I laughed, but it sounded more like a sob. "Part of me still loves him. Evenafter everything, there's this tiny piece of me that remembers the good moments and wants them to be real."
Hunter stood, moving toward me carefully like I was a wounded animal. "That's not fucked up, Palmer. That's human."
"I don't want to be human!" I screamed, and another lamp shattered. "I want to be what he trained me to be—cold, calculating, in control. I want to shut these feelings off and focus on the mission. I want—"
My knees gave out, but Hunter caught me before I hit the floor. We sank down together, and this time when the tears came, I didn't fight them.
"I want my parents back," I whispered into his shoulder. "I want all those years back. I want to stop feeling like my heart is being ripped apart every time I think about him."
