Page 46 of Raising Love
I was happy for him, even when my career was looking like a dream deferred these days. The YouTube channel I’d treated like a side hustle for the longest was thriving, all because of that one video of me going in on a referee while rocking an infant to sleep.
After grabbing that drink of water, I headed upstairs with plans to stop at Baby Love’s room, then retire in mine.
Baby Love. We still hadn’t decided what his name would be. It was almost embarrassing at this point. We could have chosen any damn name, but shit, I just didn’t want to.
I really wish Kendra told me what names she and Tyrell were considering. If I had a guiding post, I would feel more comfortable naming this child.
Baby Love’s nursery was between my room and Leo’s room. I stopped at the baby’s door and pushed it open as quietly as I could. I spotted him lying on his back with his tiny fists up, framing his little face that was turned to his right.
Couldn’t help my heart from melting at the sight of him in rest. It’s crazy. When my colleagues at Free-Throw Nation who were also parents, discussed their children or insisted on showing me a random photo of their daughters or sons, I couldn’t understand the fascination and how it was so immense they felt the need to share. I had never been around children before Baby Love. Before Kendra, no one I knew was having babies or even thinking about having them. We were all looking to grow in our careers. As I stared at Baby Love sound asleep in the crib we transitioned him into before he could outgrow his baby bassinet, I totally understood the craze for babies.
I smiled as I closed the door gently, positioning my feet to return to my bedroom.
But then I heard something. Couldn’t be too sure at first if it was what I thought it was.
There was sniffing, then sobbing. Soft sobbing that sounded muffled and muted a little behind a closed door.
I turned in the direction of it, my eyes scanning the short hall. I walked up to Baby Love’s door, pressing my ear to it, and heard nothing.
The sobbing started up again, and my attention went right to where I figured it was coming from.
I took careful steps to Leo’s room door where the sounds were coming from. I did as I usually did with Baby Love’s door, pressing my ear to it.
I heard sniffing, or what sounded like it, behind Leo’s closed door. I couldn’t be too sure.
But when I turned Leo’s doorknob and pushed the door in gently, I confirmed what my ears had already picked up.
As the door opened, I saw him sitting on the floor, his long legs bent at the knees, his forearms balanced on top of them, arms hanging over. His head hung to his chest, his body visually showing what he was feeling inside.
I had never seen Leo break down before. His sobs were quiet at first as I stood at the doorway. It was almost like he was trying to hold them back, a stifled sound that you could mistake for a cough or a clearing of the throat.
I hadn’t seen him cry not once. While I was always breaking down for seemingly anything and anywhere, I had never seen Leo shed a tear over losing his best friend. He just always seemed to hold it all together and remain strong for the both of us. But as I stepped closer, I could see the hurt I had been wondering if he ever felt.
I could see the real struggle on his face, the way his jaw clenched tight, fighting against the wave of emotions that finally spilled over.
I whispered, “Leo?”
He gasped, popping his head up, then quickly taking a swipe at his face to clear it of tears.
His eyes. My heart broke when they locked on mine before he forced himself to look away. His eyes that were normally so bright and commanding were dimmed, red-rimmed, and glossy with unshed tears.
“Ivy, man,” he expressed, his voice hoarse beyond recognition. “What the fuck? You don’t know how to knock?”
His mouth said one thing, but his eyes and his posture said something else. Those eyes were revealing so much behind them.
“This is the second time you just walked up in here without knocking.” He turned his back to me, inhaling a deep breath while swiping his hand down his face again.
How could I have been so naive? Believing that we just were grieving differently, but he was clearly hurting.
His reaction said it all for me. I was hearing his words, and he was doing a good job at trying to deflect, but all I could see was hurt.
“Leo,” I affirmed this time.
“Nah, man.” He shook his head, his back still to me. “Get out.”
He was so guarded, but the moment was everything but that. It was a raw, unguarded moment that shattered his usual demeanor of easy confidence and playful charm… something that always annoyed me about him. He was so unserious, taking everything for a joke. He’d been this way for as long as I knew him. I often wondered how he and Tyrell got along because Tyrell was never as playful as Leo.
Leo was inhaling deep breaths, my guess trying to get himself together, and I just wanted to show him he didn’t have to. That it was okay to just let that shit out.
