Page 70 of Raising Love
After Jayme told me about her and Lennox, I’d looked Rylee up. Jayme was right—their story was unique. It also hit close to home. So, I came to the group. Even if I didn’t quite fit the target audience, I needed help, and as my mother reminded me, I had to keep reaching out.
“What do you think about this blouse?” my mother asked, holding up a lime-green silk shirt. “I have so many things I can pair this with.”
I’d spent the day with her after calling a car service to visit the city. I’d brought Baby Love along and met up with Leo first to drop him off at Leo’s loft for the night.
It was the first time Baby Love would be staying alone with Leo, and I was on edge about it.
Though Leo had improved with all the baby care stuff that had initially intimidated us both, I couldn’t shake my nerves. But my mother had convinced me to stop being a helicopter guardian. “Leo’s his guardian, too,” she said, with her usual directness.
Still, it was hard to focus while shopping with her.
“Ivy?” she called.
“Huh?” I turned to face her.
“The shirt.” She held up the blouse again. “What do you think?”
“It’s bright and loud,” I replied. “It’s too much.”
She smirked. “So, you hate it?”
“Very much,” I said.
“Perfect.” Her smirk turned into a broad smile. “I’m getting it, then.”
I snorted a laugh.
My mother and I were night and day. Her interests couldn’t have been further from mine. I swore her free-spirited nature was the reason I craved order and clung to it, trying to avoid being too much like her.
And yet, since becoming Baby Love’s guardian, I’d been feeling what I imagined she’d felt as a single mother.
Growing up, it was just my mother and me. My father was never really in the picture; he and my mom never married, ending their relationship soon after I was born. Over the years, he faded into a distant memory I hardly recalled. I can’t say I knew him, not really. After all, there’s not much to know about someone who’s more a shadow than a substance in your life. We’ve had no contact for years, and while sometimes I wonder about the ‘what ifs,’ I’ve come to terms with the quiet space he occupies in my past. My mother filled our lives with enough love and strength for two parents, shaping me into who I am without his influence. Plus, my maternal grandfather when he was alive was the perfect substitute.
“Why are you so distracted, anyway?” she asked, moving through racks of clothes.
We were in her favorite discount department store. She loved scouring clearance racks, searching for deals that looked far more expensive than their price tags.
I hated these places. Something about the clutter of stuff jammed together on racks gave me low-level anxiety.
“I’m not distracted, Mommy. I’m scared.”
She stopped sliding hangers on the clothing rod to give me her full attention.
“Is this about you leaving the baby with Leo today?” my mother asked, her tone soft but probing. “Because I’m sure he’s more than capable, Ivy.”
“It’s not just that.” I sighed, leaning against one of the clothing racks for support. “I’m scared for the baby’s future. He doesn’t even have a name. He’s almost four months old. If Leo and I can’t work together to come up with something as simple as a name for this child, how are we supposed to work together to raise him into a well-rounded adult?”
My mother stared at me for a moment before bursting into laughter.
I straightened, crossing my arms tightly over my chest. “Oh, I’m so glad my existential crisis is funny to you.”
She held up a hand, still giggling as she tried to catch her breath. “I’m sorry, baby. I really am.”
“Mm-hmm.” My tone was flat, though the corner of my mouth twitched. “And I really am happy to be your personal comedy hour.”
“It’s just…” She took another deep breath, finally composing herself. “This is so you. You’d let something like this weigh you down when you’re already doing so much right.” She reached out, brushing my cheek with her warm hand. “Ivy, listen to me. You have an excellent support system. You’ve got the baby’s grandparents, Leo’s mother, and me. You are not doing this alone.”
I sighed, the weight of her words making me feel both comforted and uneasy.
