Page 40 of The Reaper
I shrugged and tried to gather my thoughts.
“Adam texted me,” she added, her eyes finding mine. “So, I know what happened back at the warehouse.”
I nodded, still not sure if she knew exactly what’d gone on. It was always a grey area for us, guessing what Liv knew and what Adam protected her from.
“Do you want to talk about her?” she pressed, lifting her eyebrow in question, and I knew that grey area wasn’t so grey in this instance.
“I’m confused.” My honesty slowly seeped out of me, despite it being totally against my nature to show myself to the world. The real me, anyway. “I don’t think this is something I can talk to the others about. I don’t want them to think I’ve gone soft. I don’t ever want anyone to think I’m losing my touch.”
“I’m going to stop you right there, Devon Brady. One, you helped Adam a lot when he was going through what we went through. He told me. And not once did you make him feel any less of a man for how he opened up to you. If you want to talk to Adam about anything, he’ll listen and he’d help. He probably wouldn’t be as awesome at advice as I am, but he’d never think less of you.
“Two, addressing the way you feel and your emotions is never a sign of weakness. Avoidance is weak. Not taking a chance is weak. But facing things? That takes courage and strength.
“You know, you can be different things to different people. Look at Adam. He’s the sweetest, kindest, goofiest goofball with me. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, and he shows me too. But with you guys, he’s a moody, mean motherfucker who gives no shits. I know exactly what he’s up to today, and I know why. You all think he shields me, but he doesn’t. He tells me everything, because that’s what being in his world and accepting him for who he is is all about. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I’m not some pampered princess that needs to be protected from life… and neither is she. She’s stronger than you think.”
I knew what Liv was saying was right, but the thought of sharing everything the way she described was something I would take a long time to get my head around. That’s if I ever could get my head around being that open.
“Her life is so different from mine.”
“Is it? Is it really? Have you walked a day in her shoes? I don’t know her, but from what I’ve seen, the girl has got some serious balls on her. She came to the club to see you. Came on her own too and stayed. You know how that worked out when I tried to do that. She watched you kick off, but it didn’t put her off. She saw you today and she’s still standing there begging you to notice her. And she’s sweet and caring, she could be the best thing to ever happen to you, Devon.”
I could hear what Liv was saying, but deep down, I felt like I wasn’t enough, and I doubted I could change or mould myself to become the kind of man worthy of a girl like Leah May.
“I can’t change who I am.” I spoke candidly, knowing that the morals rooted within me were there for good. She might’ve seen what I was, what I’d done, but to live with that… that was something else entirely.
Liv sighed and shook her head, the exasperation in her tone told me she thought my arguments were unfounded, flimsy excuses.
“She doesn’t want you to change. If she did, she wouldn’t be the girl for you. Relationships, love, all of that, it isn’t about change, it’s about growing together. And you won’t know if that’s something you can do until you try.” Liv’s candour was like a mirror reflecting all of my fears, reminding me that I needed to see the bigger picture, and not become overwhelmed by it.
“From the moment I first laid eyes on her, she’s been open and honest, sometimes too much. She’s like a fountain pouring out all these words and emotions whenever I see her. Sometimes, it’s not even the words, just a look, a sigh, and it breaks me apart. I don’t know how to handle it. It feels like it’s too much.”
After surviving a childhood where I had to learn to control and even fight my emotions, I was aware that facing them might prove somewhat of a problem for me. It was a tap that’d grown rusty and stiff from lack of use. To try and turn it on again wouldn’t be the easiest thing in the world. It might not even work anymore. Or worse still, I might not want it to work.
“You’re feeling like that because its new. You haven’t felt this way before, and it can get overwhelming when you find that one person in life who means more to you than anything. You rip yourself open, tear yourself apart, but at the end of the day, you love them because it’s impossible not to. Eventually, you’ll realise that you can’t fight this. Sooner or later, you will have to own up to how you feel, because if you don’t, it’ll eat you alive.”
It was already eating me alive. I was second guessing every word, every action, every thought I was having because I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t want to let her down. Could a killer like me ever be a good man for a girl like her?
“I’ve told her I want to try. But what if I fail, Liv? What if I can’t give her what she wants, or I can’t open up enough to keep her? I don’t want to let her down. What if I’m not enough?”
As a soldier, as the self-proclaimed reaper, it was hard to admit to anyone that I didn’t feel like I was enough. I’d even berated Leah May for using the word. But for me, it was a shadow that loomed in the dark corners of my life. An echo of a voice I’d banished to my nightmares, telling me I wasn’t worth shit. That I was a burden to my mother. That I’d never be good enough for this world. The voice that I’d buried at the bottom of Brinton canal all those years ago, but it never seemed to stay silent for long.
“You can’t worry about what ifs. You’ll drive yourself insane. All you can do is try, and the fact that you’ve told her that you will is a massive step, Devon. I could be wrong, but I think you’re being too hard on yourself, and you worry too much about what other people think.”
“I don’t give a fuck what people think of me.” And I didn’t, at least I thought I didn’t.
“I don’t mean just anyone,” Liv chastised, the roll of her eyes telling me she knew me better than that. “I mean these guys; Colton, Tyler, Will, even Adam. You want to preserve that persona you’ve worked so hard to cultivate here; the strong, silent reaper. I know you take pride in that being who you are, but it doesn’t have to be all you are. I understand it’s where you feel at home and what gives you that control you crave, but your relationship, and whatever you build with Leah, its fresh and new, a clean slate, and quite frankly, none of anyone else’s business. It’s between you and her. You can still be a soldier and be her everything.”
Could I?
Did I have the capacity to add another facet to my life; soldier, brother, son, friend.
Could I also be more?
More to her?
“Maybe I should talk to Adam? He managed it with you.” I felt that talking to Liv today had helped, and I knew there were things that I could work on within myself. If Adam could do it, why couldn’t I?
“I really think you should,” Liv replied. “He thinks the world of you, Devon. We all do.”
